I've missed you guys. I've been meaning to write, but things have just been happening.
I took that road trip I mentioned in my last entry, and it was fantastic. Portland was crazy and wacky and amazing. We walked around downtown all day and ate delicious things from Voodoo Doughnuts and Cupcake Jones and food trucks. It also made me realize that Seattle has a really crappy public transportation system. Portland kind of spoiled us in that regard. (We were able to take a train from our hotel--which was nowhere near downtown--all the way into the city and our tickets were for the entire day and it was only five dollars and...c'mon, Seattle. You guys can do way better than that. I think I would actually take public transportation and stuff if the routes were...more organized.) Then we went down to Cannon Beach and it was beautiful and peaceful and wonderful. We spent an entire day at the beach one day and my friends tried to bury me in the sand and we got attacked by seagulls and we made the world's wimpiest sand castle with five-dollar sand castle-building equipment. And we got an awesome kite and flew it on the beach. It had spaceships on it.
That's not to say we experienced our fair share of shenanigans. At our hotel in Cannon Beach, there were only two people registered for our room, even though there were three of us. Not to mention our room was probably the smallest hotel room I've ever stayed in. Ever. There wasn't a single spot on the floor or the desks or bedside tables that wasn't taken up by suitcases, our cooler, doughnut boxes, books (I think there were about twenty books between the three of us...didn't help that we went to Powell's City of Books when we were in Portland), clothes, plates, water bottles...it was small. We also got lost a few times. Only when getting out of town, thought. Took us about a half hour to get onto the highway to go to Cannon Beach...
This trip wasn't life-altering in the way the movies make road trips out to be...but it was nice to take a trip without any parental supervision (not that we did anything stupid or illegal; we were in our room at eight ever night and we'd hang out, eat popcorn and bagels and watch the Olympics until midnight), with two friends who I've known since I was six years old. And we didn't spent it running all over the place; we're pretty low-key people. We hung out like we would've if we were in one of our own backyards. It wasn't life-altering, but it sure was special.
Since then, one of those friends, and a few others, has gone off to college, and I've been patiently waiting my turn, since I am, quite literally, the LAST person to leave for college. My roommate even moves in before I do.
I didn't come on here just to give you an update, though. I came here to tell you about something I'm doing this month. You know, to solidify that fact that I'm actually going to do it instead of telling myself I'm going to do it and then just...not do it.
For you Internet and YouTube-savvy people, there's a guy out there named Shay Carl. He's been highly successful in with his daily video blogs and other video-related projects over the last five years. He's also been successful in the realm of weight loss. He's lost over one hundred pounds over the course of about a year and a half. He's run two marathons. He's changed his life--and his family's life--for the better. And now he's trying to help other people change their lives in similar ways.
This month, he launched a 30-day challenge: make a goal for yourself, whether it be health-related, school-related, financially-oriented, whatever...make a goal that you can achieve in 30 days, and see how you come out at the end of the month. Healthier, better grades, more money, the ability to do 100 push-ups...Anything. And don't just make one goal. Make several, work on a different goal every day.
I'm choosing to participate in Shaytember (as it's been christened). I have two goals, and they're multi-layered. Shay recommended to set sub-goals to make your large goal much more manageable. For example, one of my goals this month is to lose 15 pounds. But they won't just fall off my body (I wish). I've made goals to incorporate more activity into my days (I've gone running three times this week, and I've done a few movie workouts), eat less processed foods (to the best of my ability) and more fruits, veggies, whole grains, and drink lots of water. I always brought water with me to school, but I've just gotten out of the habit since summer. I said in my last post that I want to be healthier, and I figured that this was the perfect time to start.
My second goal is to read at least three books this month. I decided to have this as one of my goals because, I made a resolution in January to read at least 50 books this year. I looked at my list that I use to keep track of all the books I read, and I'm barely to the halfway mark. So I want to read more, and the only way I can truly achieve that goal is just to read more. I've actually done well this summer; I think I've read six or seven books since I graduated, so I'm pretty confident that I'll actually meet this goal. I'm already about 60 pages from finishing my first book, even though it's an easy read. It's still progress.
Throughout this month, I'm hoping to make at least weekly updates on my progress. It's not to late to start for you, either, if you want to join in the fun. Again, it's not necessarily about loosing weight or getting healthy; this month is about setting a goal for yourself, working toward it, and seeing how you come out at the end of thirty. Shay is doing daily videos on his weight loss channel to offer encouragement and progress on his own goals. I'll put a link to his channel below :) Are you guys going to do it??
On another note, I've come to realize that I kind of miss the daily blogging. It's weird to think that I started that whole little project one year ago today. That's crazy. So much has changed. My friends and I have been through so much--the good, the bad, and the ugly. You guys know that. This next year, I'll try to keep you guys updated to the best of my ability. I don't know if I'll get on some sort of schedule like I did last year, but we'll see. Maybe I'll do some old school Blog Every Day in April. Maybe...
SayLoss: http://www.youtube.com/user/ShayLoss?feature=watch
Friday, September 7, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Healthy Again
I've thought twice, three times, even four times about posting this--or even saying it aloud--for fear of jinxing it, but it's been about a week, and I think I'm safe.
For the past few months (like seven), as I'm sure you guys could probably gather from the nature of a huge chunk of my posts...I haven't been well. I've been very, very sick, physically and mentally.
I started about mid-January-ish when I started to get really depressed. Hopeless. Like there wasn't going to be anything good that came out of me or the world, so I just let it beat me down. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep very well. And then about February I started to feel really sick. There were a few days when I had moments I thought I was going to pass out or succumb to convulsions like I was having a seizure or start speaking incoherently. And the dizziness.
Oh, the dizziness.
That's what plagued me for the longest time. When I walked, stood still, or even sat down, I had the constant feeling that I was on a boat. Constantly rocking. Playing with my vision. It was extremely hard to walk because the ground always felt like it was moving. It was rather unpleasant and I pretty much wanted to avoid it at all costs. In the middle of this, I thought it was because I needed glasses that I was seeing things. Looking back, this didn't solve the problem. (Although, I honestly did need the glasses...things in the distance were starting to get a little fuzzy anyway...) And so it continued, well until the end of the school year and into the summer.
All the while, the constant worrying about what the hell me body was doing in addition to that bout of depression all rolled into one and I began my intense battle with anxiety. I looked up the symptoms of anxiety (so many times it almost became compulsive, and that would just be another ingredient to throw into my bag of crazy), and it turned out that there are many, many symptoms that would make anyone freak out. Symptoms that would make you think that you were having a heart attack or a stroke or had a tumor or an aneurysm. And dizziness/unsteadiness was right smack in the middle of the list This was about March, when I was getting ready for my last trimester in high school, and I had my Senior presentation coming up and stuff for band and...STRESS. Who wouldn't be anxious about that kind of stuff? In truth, I probably was exhausted and burnt-out on school, as is common among seniors.
Anyway...things came and went, things that would make anyone anxious...and yet the dizziness was still there. For a few weeks, I was on supplements (never actually had to resort to anything like Xanax or the like, thankfully) that were supposed to help me be calm, but those didn't really help all that much. I was on melatonin tablets for a while to help me sleep (yep, I even had insomnia for a few weeks). I was a mess.
School was the worst. I felt like I was floating in and out of reality. I would spend my lunch periods in the office of my band director. This sounds really sad but, luckily, this was actually kind of a safe-haven for me. This was where we ate at lunch, because it meant that all us band kids could talk to each other. But once I stepped out of that room...it was over. I didn't like having to go out to the cafeteria to go get a spoon or a fork or a cookie. And the other six and a half hours...I don't know. I would take as little time as possible to get from one class to another. Then having to sit there...struggling to absorb what my teachers were throwing at me while clutching to my sanity...it didn't help that I had kind of a hefty class load. Or that I started my day at seven-thirty and it ended at four. And I wouldn't get home some nights until almost six. Anxiety makes it hard to concentrate on things, which hindered my inability to really make progress on a lot of my schoolwork, hence my days where I felt worthless and such. And then, of course, there were the days when I couldn't even go to school. When it was physically impossible for me to get out of the car.You guys know exactly which days I'm talking about.
When I wasn't at school, I spent a lot of time alone in the downstairs living room of my house (i.e. our basement), where my bedroom is also, on my computer, surfacing only for meals and, occasionally, outings that my mom would pretty much drag me to in order to get me "socialized". Because of the aforementioned difficulty of walking, I mostly just went with the lesser of the evils that came with the dizziness, which was sitting. On my couch. For hours on end. In my pj's. Often until four or five in the evening on the weekends. Wasting away in front of the T.V. or my computer, not really taking in what was going on around me, just letting everything float past me.But it was really hard for me to enjoy myself, with the constant worrying, keeping inside my head. I didn't like going out in public for a really long time. And, yes, that even included walking around my neighborhood. My first-ever public panic attack in May kind of set me over the edge, so I really didn't like leaving the house after that. Or the car when my mom would force me out of the house. I only left when I really had to.
So I've really missed out on a lot. Things that were fun for me at one point and time now had absolutely no appeal to me. Some even terrified me. This meant going shopping or going to the movies or going to Seattle or going out to eat. I was afraid that something would happen to me while I was out doing these things and I wouldn't be able to escape or get help or whatever...And I know that sounds crazy, but that's what anxiety does to you.
That first panic attack that elicited a doctor's visit unearthed--after a thorough physical examination--that I had fluid in my ears. So they prescribed me some medicine that would surely help me with the dizziness and whatnot. It kind of did. But not really. There probably was some crap in there from allergies. But that really wasn't it. I stopped taking them a few weeks after school got out. And it didn't change a darn thing.
However, this while thing did change almost exactly a week ago when I underwent a relatively minor surgery that most adults undergo once in their life.
It was my f#*%ing wisdom teeth. Messing with my ears because there wasn't any room for them to grow properly because my jaw is so small. Messing with the part of your body that AFFECTS YOUR BALANCE. LIKE MORE THAN YOU THINK IT WOULD. This winter, before...everything...I was complaining to my mom about some ear pain, so I got my wisdom teeth checked out and it turned out that all four had to come out (the bottom two were dangerously close to a nerve in my jaw). That was in April.
Who knew something so relatively insignificant could effect your health that much. I mean, I knew my mom got ear infections (she thought) before she got hers out. But this...whoever decided that we should have wisdom teeth....*shakes fist*. Most people end up having them out at one point or another, and they just cause problems...Heck, if you go to the dentist and they find you have a cavity in one of them, they just pull 'em anyway.
To be honest, I was really worried that this surgery wouldn't fix it, that this would be something that I would have to suffer with for the rest of my life. Especially for the first few days after, when I was still on heavy pain medication that can make you kind of loopy. Not to mention that I didn't really have anything of substance to eat until about five days after. The dizziness persisted a little and I figured--hoped, really--that it was purely due to the fact that that part of my head was still heavily swollen, so my ears would still be a little wonky.
But when I woke up yesterday, I got up and started to get dressed (it was my first day back at work since my surgery) and I noticed that the ground didn't move like it had been for the past seven months. I didn't feel like I had to hold onto anything when I moved, for fear of falling over.
I made a resolution at the beginning of this year to make an honest effort to take care of my body, especially since I'm heading off to college in the fall. Better to get into the habits now than receive a culture-shock in September and be even more susceptible to the "Freshman 15". I did really well for the first few weeks of January. And then it all came crashing down when my wisdom teeth decided it was time to show up and start shaking things up. While all this was happening, I was keeping that in mind. Yet it became increasingly to even get off the couch in my basement and go take my dog for a walk. I fell into a sort of despair, like my dreams of being uber healthy would never be realized because I would be stuck in this unhealthy, dizzy, weird state forever. I haven't been able to walk/run/get active like I wanted to because of all...this. I even lost the 'high' I would get after I marched with my band (yes, like the runner's high). Marching made me anxious, and it's something for which you really need to be physically fit. In past years, leading up to our first parade, I would do laps around my neighborhood in order to train myself. That wasn't the case this year.
Like I sad, though, it all changed when I woke up yesterday, feeling better than I had in months.
This afternoon, I went for a walk that turned into a run, and it felt liberating. Since then I've been busily buzzing around my house, doing chores, organizing piles of clothes for when I go to school, doing laundry...things that have been hard for me to do for the past seven months.
I told myself that, when this whole ordeal is over--if it would ever be over--that I would seriously and vigilantly continue my regiment of making myself healthier. I never thought the day would finally come, the day when I finally felt normal again. And I don't plan on stopping any time soon.
When it becomes so hard to do things, and it's that way for so long...you lose hope. I began to research my symptoms online, and the only results I would find would be of people that had suffered for years and had no sort of relief. Let's say that didn't exactly help me. I continued to do research over the months and I never found anything hopeful or new...and I would pretty much just curl up and cry because I honestly believed that this was me and I was condemned for life. Before I was even 18. And I still had things to do...what was I going to do when I went away to college, where I would be all by myself? Life would be a living hell. And then I thought of the things that I wanted to do after school, even...Backpacking through Europe, becoming a teacher...that just didn't seem feasible anymore. The worst part about this whole thing besides all of the physical and mental weirdness was he fact that I felt like I couldn't talk about it with anyone. I felt alone. I mean, you can talk to people about your anxiety, but unless it's a therapist, it's probably not going to do you much good. Anyway, I thought that, if I told anybody anything that they would think I'm crazy (which I probably was) or dying. Wasn't exactly the most hopeful option.
Again, I'm sorry that I'm not sorry for how long this was. But it needed to be said. And it feels good to finally get all of this off my chest because there's been a lot that's been spinning around my head, stuff that's kept me up at night for weeks on end. And now that it's all done, I have the ability to really sit down and figure it all out. They're all things that need to be said, things that I've probably mentioned in the past, but now I know the source for all this discomfort. Yeah, I'll probably still be anxious about things; I've always been an anxious person. But not in the way that had so negatively impacted my life since January.
This whole ordeal was awful, and I would never wish it upon anyone, even my worst adversary. Nobody deserves to feel that way. At one point, though, I found out that John Green, my favorite author and one of my all-time favorite human beings, also suffered from anxiety and anxiety-related issues. He has social anxiety and he copes with it in a healthy way. But it made me respect him so much more when he publicized this issue. He made a lengthy statement on one of his many social media outlets explaining what was going through his mind around a particular bout of anxiety (it was around the time of him writing his most recent novel, The Fault in Our Stars). And it comforted me, not that he had anxiety, but because he was able to talk about it and talk about how he deals with it. What astounded me the most was that, after almost four years of following him and his work, I had no idea. He never let on. Now he's very public about it and talks about it when people ask--within reason--and I'm finding more of a role model in him than I did when I first read his books. At the end of his statement, he thanked the people who supported him, who tolerated his faults and his anxieties about his work and his life.
So I'd like to do the same.
My friends, those of you who are reading this (you know who you are)...thank you for being yourselves. You brought much joy to my days when everything looked bleak and hopeless. Thank you for the days spent running around Seattle and the parties--you got me out of the house. Thank you for being tolerant, even when you probably thought you weren't needing to be. Thank you for letting my work out my weirdnesses by myself...yet never, for a moment, letting me think that I was ever alone.
And so, my friends, I'll leave you now, feeling fifty pounds lighter (though my feet are planted oh-so-firmly on the ground)...I'm walking around with a smile on my face now : ) I promise to treat my body right, eat well (except there is some red velvet ice cream in my freezer calling my name at this very moment), exercise (there's an amazing rec center at my college that I can't wait to try out when I get there). If you treat your body right, it should treat you right. And don't any of you ever take that for granted.
I'm going on a road trip with two of my oldest friends this coming Sunday, and this would be one of those occasions where it would be really hard to enjoy myself (I would enjoy myself, in some facet...no matter how much I was terrified about any sort of social occasion, I would, eventually, enjoy myself, but I shouldn't have to dread it), yet I wouldn't enjoy it nearly as much if I were constantly worrying. But I think that dark phase of my life is officially over. Let's just say that now I plan on having the time of my life. : )
Which reminds me...I should probably go pack.
On another note, if any of you are feeling anxious (more than would be considered normal or healthy), talk to someone, preferably an adult or a professional OR check out this link. It helped me a lot: http://www.anxietycentre.com/
Also, if you are having dizziness/balance problems, get your ears checked out. Or, you know, go see your dentist. They could seriously help you out. They aren't all bad people. : )
For the past few months (like seven), as I'm sure you guys could probably gather from the nature of a huge chunk of my posts...I haven't been well. I've been very, very sick, physically and mentally.
I started about mid-January-ish when I started to get really depressed. Hopeless. Like there wasn't going to be anything good that came out of me or the world, so I just let it beat me down. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep very well. And then about February I started to feel really sick. There were a few days when I had moments I thought I was going to pass out or succumb to convulsions like I was having a seizure or start speaking incoherently. And the dizziness.
Oh, the dizziness.
That's what plagued me for the longest time. When I walked, stood still, or even sat down, I had the constant feeling that I was on a boat. Constantly rocking. Playing with my vision. It was extremely hard to walk because the ground always felt like it was moving. It was rather unpleasant and I pretty much wanted to avoid it at all costs. In the middle of this, I thought it was because I needed glasses that I was seeing things. Looking back, this didn't solve the problem. (Although, I honestly did need the glasses...things in the distance were starting to get a little fuzzy anyway...) And so it continued, well until the end of the school year and into the summer.
All the while, the constant worrying about what the hell me body was doing in addition to that bout of depression all rolled into one and I began my intense battle with anxiety. I looked up the symptoms of anxiety (so many times it almost became compulsive, and that would just be another ingredient to throw into my bag of crazy), and it turned out that there are many, many symptoms that would make anyone freak out. Symptoms that would make you think that you were having a heart attack or a stroke or had a tumor or an aneurysm. And dizziness/unsteadiness was right smack in the middle of the list This was about March, when I was getting ready for my last trimester in high school, and I had my Senior presentation coming up and stuff for band and...STRESS. Who wouldn't be anxious about that kind of stuff? In truth, I probably was exhausted and burnt-out on school, as is common among seniors.
Anyway...things came and went, things that would make anyone anxious...and yet the dizziness was still there. For a few weeks, I was on supplements (never actually had to resort to anything like Xanax or the like, thankfully) that were supposed to help me be calm, but those didn't really help all that much. I was on melatonin tablets for a while to help me sleep (yep, I even had insomnia for a few weeks). I was a mess.
School was the worst. I felt like I was floating in and out of reality. I would spend my lunch periods in the office of my band director. This sounds really sad but, luckily, this was actually kind of a safe-haven for me. This was where we ate at lunch, because it meant that all us band kids could talk to each other. But once I stepped out of that room...it was over. I didn't like having to go out to the cafeteria to go get a spoon or a fork or a cookie. And the other six and a half hours...I don't know. I would take as little time as possible to get from one class to another. Then having to sit there...struggling to absorb what my teachers were throwing at me while clutching to my sanity...it didn't help that I had kind of a hefty class load. Or that I started my day at seven-thirty and it ended at four. And I wouldn't get home some nights until almost six. Anxiety makes it hard to concentrate on things, which hindered my inability to really make progress on a lot of my schoolwork, hence my days where I felt worthless and such. And then, of course, there were the days when I couldn't even go to school. When it was physically impossible for me to get out of the car.You guys know exactly which days I'm talking about.
When I wasn't at school, I spent a lot of time alone in the downstairs living room of my house (i.e. our basement), where my bedroom is also, on my computer, surfacing only for meals and, occasionally, outings that my mom would pretty much drag me to in order to get me "socialized". Because of the aforementioned difficulty of walking, I mostly just went with the lesser of the evils that came with the dizziness, which was sitting. On my couch. For hours on end. In my pj's. Often until four or five in the evening on the weekends. Wasting away in front of the T.V. or my computer, not really taking in what was going on around me, just letting everything float past me.But it was really hard for me to enjoy myself, with the constant worrying, keeping inside my head. I didn't like going out in public for a really long time. And, yes, that even included walking around my neighborhood. My first-ever public panic attack in May kind of set me over the edge, so I really didn't like leaving the house after that. Or the car when my mom would force me out of the house. I only left when I really had to.
So I've really missed out on a lot. Things that were fun for me at one point and time now had absolutely no appeal to me. Some even terrified me. This meant going shopping or going to the movies or going to Seattle or going out to eat. I was afraid that something would happen to me while I was out doing these things and I wouldn't be able to escape or get help or whatever...And I know that sounds crazy, but that's what anxiety does to you.
That first panic attack that elicited a doctor's visit unearthed--after a thorough physical examination--that I had fluid in my ears. So they prescribed me some medicine that would surely help me with the dizziness and whatnot. It kind of did. But not really. There probably was some crap in there from allergies. But that really wasn't it. I stopped taking them a few weeks after school got out. And it didn't change a darn thing.
However, this while thing did change almost exactly a week ago when I underwent a relatively minor surgery that most adults undergo once in their life.
It was my f#*%ing wisdom teeth. Messing with my ears because there wasn't any room for them to grow properly because my jaw is so small. Messing with the part of your body that AFFECTS YOUR BALANCE. LIKE MORE THAN YOU THINK IT WOULD. This winter, before...everything...I was complaining to my mom about some ear pain, so I got my wisdom teeth checked out and it turned out that all four had to come out (the bottom two were dangerously close to a nerve in my jaw). That was in April.
Who knew something so relatively insignificant could effect your health that much. I mean, I knew my mom got ear infections (she thought) before she got hers out. But this...whoever decided that we should have wisdom teeth....*shakes fist*. Most people end up having them out at one point or another, and they just cause problems...Heck, if you go to the dentist and they find you have a cavity in one of them, they just pull 'em anyway.
To be honest, I was really worried that this surgery wouldn't fix it, that this would be something that I would have to suffer with for the rest of my life. Especially for the first few days after, when I was still on heavy pain medication that can make you kind of loopy. Not to mention that I didn't really have anything of substance to eat until about five days after. The dizziness persisted a little and I figured--hoped, really--that it was purely due to the fact that that part of my head was still heavily swollen, so my ears would still be a little wonky.
But when I woke up yesterday, I got up and started to get dressed (it was my first day back at work since my surgery) and I noticed that the ground didn't move like it had been for the past seven months. I didn't feel like I had to hold onto anything when I moved, for fear of falling over.
I made a resolution at the beginning of this year to make an honest effort to take care of my body, especially since I'm heading off to college in the fall. Better to get into the habits now than receive a culture-shock in September and be even more susceptible to the "Freshman 15". I did really well for the first few weeks of January. And then it all came crashing down when my wisdom teeth decided it was time to show up and start shaking things up. While all this was happening, I was keeping that in mind. Yet it became increasingly to even get off the couch in my basement and go take my dog for a walk. I fell into a sort of despair, like my dreams of being uber healthy would never be realized because I would be stuck in this unhealthy, dizzy, weird state forever. I haven't been able to walk/run/get active like I wanted to because of all...this. I even lost the 'high' I would get after I marched with my band (yes, like the runner's high). Marching made me anxious, and it's something for which you really need to be physically fit. In past years, leading up to our first parade, I would do laps around my neighborhood in order to train myself. That wasn't the case this year.
Like I sad, though, it all changed when I woke up yesterday, feeling better than I had in months.
This afternoon, I went for a walk that turned into a run, and it felt liberating. Since then I've been busily buzzing around my house, doing chores, organizing piles of clothes for when I go to school, doing laundry...things that have been hard for me to do for the past seven months.
I told myself that, when this whole ordeal is over--if it would ever be over--that I would seriously and vigilantly continue my regiment of making myself healthier. I never thought the day would finally come, the day when I finally felt normal again. And I don't plan on stopping any time soon.
When it becomes so hard to do things, and it's that way for so long...you lose hope. I began to research my symptoms online, and the only results I would find would be of people that had suffered for years and had no sort of relief. Let's say that didn't exactly help me. I continued to do research over the months and I never found anything hopeful or new...and I would pretty much just curl up and cry because I honestly believed that this was me and I was condemned for life. Before I was even 18. And I still had things to do...what was I going to do when I went away to college, where I would be all by myself? Life would be a living hell. And then I thought of the things that I wanted to do after school, even...Backpacking through Europe, becoming a teacher...that just didn't seem feasible anymore. The worst part about this whole thing besides all of the physical and mental weirdness was he fact that I felt like I couldn't talk about it with anyone. I felt alone. I mean, you can talk to people about your anxiety, but unless it's a therapist, it's probably not going to do you much good. Anyway, I thought that, if I told anybody anything that they would think I'm crazy (which I probably was) or dying. Wasn't exactly the most hopeful option.
Again, I'm sorry that I'm not sorry for how long this was. But it needed to be said. And it feels good to finally get all of this off my chest because there's been a lot that's been spinning around my head, stuff that's kept me up at night for weeks on end. And now that it's all done, I have the ability to really sit down and figure it all out. They're all things that need to be said, things that I've probably mentioned in the past, but now I know the source for all this discomfort. Yeah, I'll probably still be anxious about things; I've always been an anxious person. But not in the way that had so negatively impacted my life since January.
This whole ordeal was awful, and I would never wish it upon anyone, even my worst adversary. Nobody deserves to feel that way. At one point, though, I found out that John Green, my favorite author and one of my all-time favorite human beings, also suffered from anxiety and anxiety-related issues. He has social anxiety and he copes with it in a healthy way. But it made me respect him so much more when he publicized this issue. He made a lengthy statement on one of his many social media outlets explaining what was going through his mind around a particular bout of anxiety (it was around the time of him writing his most recent novel, The Fault in Our Stars). And it comforted me, not that he had anxiety, but because he was able to talk about it and talk about how he deals with it. What astounded me the most was that, after almost four years of following him and his work, I had no idea. He never let on. Now he's very public about it and talks about it when people ask--within reason--and I'm finding more of a role model in him than I did when I first read his books. At the end of his statement, he thanked the people who supported him, who tolerated his faults and his anxieties about his work and his life.
So I'd like to do the same.
My friends, those of you who are reading this (you know who you are)...thank you for being yourselves. You brought much joy to my days when everything looked bleak and hopeless. Thank you for the days spent running around Seattle and the parties--you got me out of the house. Thank you for being tolerant, even when you probably thought you weren't needing to be. Thank you for letting my work out my weirdnesses by myself...yet never, for a moment, letting me think that I was ever alone.
And so, my friends, I'll leave you now, feeling fifty pounds lighter (though my feet are planted oh-so-firmly on the ground)...I'm walking around with a smile on my face now : ) I promise to treat my body right, eat well (except there is some red velvet ice cream in my freezer calling my name at this very moment), exercise (there's an amazing rec center at my college that I can't wait to try out when I get there). If you treat your body right, it should treat you right. And don't any of you ever take that for granted.
I'm going on a road trip with two of my oldest friends this coming Sunday, and this would be one of those occasions where it would be really hard to enjoy myself (I would enjoy myself, in some facet...no matter how much I was terrified about any sort of social occasion, I would, eventually, enjoy myself, but I shouldn't have to dread it), yet I wouldn't enjoy it nearly as much if I were constantly worrying. But I think that dark phase of my life is officially over. Let's just say that now I plan on having the time of my life. : )
Which reminds me...I should probably go pack.
On another note, if any of you are feeling anxious (more than would be considered normal or healthy), talk to someone, preferably an adult or a professional OR check out this link. It helped me a lot: http://www.anxietycentre.com/
Also, if you are having dizziness/balance problems, get your ears checked out. Or, you know, go see your dentist. They could seriously help you out. They aren't all bad people. : )
Friday, July 20, 2012
Bright-Eyed and Bushy-Tailed Like the Chipmunk I am about to Resemble
(Just as a clarification on the title, I got my wisdom teeth out this morning and my face is just beginning to swell up. Just like the aforementioned chipmunk.)
Anyway, I've been up since about 5:45, my appointment was at 7:30, I was awake by 8:15 and home by 9:15. And resting somewhat comfortably ever since. I mean, my mouth hurts like none other, but otherwise...I'm okay.
And, it's probably from the anesthesia, but I feel really...hyper. If not physically, then mentally. I've been bouncing around the Internet all afternoon, commenting on YouTube videos, sending messages to people. I guess that since I'm being forced to be pretty much immobile (my post-op instructions say to not engage in any sort of physical activity that'll get my heart rate up...just in case my 'wounds' start bleeding again), I'm trying to find a way to communicate with other people (it also took about three hours for me to get full use of my mouth again, so talking to people wasn't exactly an option). Hence the longer-than-usual length of this particular entry. I just need stuff to do.
Side-but-totally-related-note: Say what you want about the health care in the U.S. and the health care workers in the U.S., but I had an AMAZING team take care of me this morning. I mean, getting your wisdom teeth--or any teeth--taken out isn't the worst surgery you can have, but it's still surgery, especially when they put you under like they did for me. I felt totally comfortable, hardly nervous at all. I've actually had two teeth removed before, when I was nine, because there are a lot of things wrong with my mouth, though it may not look like it on the outside...anyway, the same doctor that took my teeth out then did my procedure today. Really cool guy, very laid back, and he knows what he's doing. He treats you like you're a part of his family, like one of his own kids (which is kind of ironic, since his name and my mom's maiden name are the same...even has my grandfather's first name as well...but absolutely no relation, at least not any direct relation). His team was awesome, too. The nurse that brought me in made sue I was totally comfortable on the operating chair/bed. She wanted me to take my hair down out of my ponytail to avoid discomfort...but then she put it back up for me before I woke up :)
And, to top it all off, my oral surgeon called me a few hours afterward to ask me how I was doing. He didn't ask one of his secretaries to do it...he did it himself . On my cellphone.He asked me how I was feeling, if I'd been able to drink anything (because of the whole mouth numbness thing), and he told me to take it easy this weekend.
As I sit here with my face sandwiched between two ice bags, chewing on a few pieces of gauze, it really is nice to know that there are people--successful people--in the medical world that truly care about their patients.
P.S. On a totally unrelated note...apparently there are a lot of you viewing this from Russia. What?! That's crazy. In that case...Zdravstvuj! And spasibo! (I apologize if that is, in any way, incorrect...I just wanted to express my thanks :) )
Anyway, I've been up since about 5:45, my appointment was at 7:30, I was awake by 8:15 and home by 9:15. And resting somewhat comfortably ever since. I mean, my mouth hurts like none other, but otherwise...I'm okay.
And, it's probably from the anesthesia, but I feel really...hyper. If not physically, then mentally. I've been bouncing around the Internet all afternoon, commenting on YouTube videos, sending messages to people. I guess that since I'm being forced to be pretty much immobile (my post-op instructions say to not engage in any sort of physical activity that'll get my heart rate up...just in case my 'wounds' start bleeding again), I'm trying to find a way to communicate with other people (it also took about three hours for me to get full use of my mouth again, so talking to people wasn't exactly an option). Hence the longer-than-usual length of this particular entry. I just need stuff to do.
Side-but-totally-related-note: Say what you want about the health care in the U.S. and the health care workers in the U.S., but I had an AMAZING team take care of me this morning. I mean, getting your wisdom teeth--or any teeth--taken out isn't the worst surgery you can have, but it's still surgery, especially when they put you under like they did for me. I felt totally comfortable, hardly nervous at all. I've actually had two teeth removed before, when I was nine, because there are a lot of things wrong with my mouth, though it may not look like it on the outside...anyway, the same doctor that took my teeth out then did my procedure today. Really cool guy, very laid back, and he knows what he's doing. He treats you like you're a part of his family, like one of his own kids (which is kind of ironic, since his name and my mom's maiden name are the same...even has my grandfather's first name as well...but absolutely no relation, at least not any direct relation). His team was awesome, too. The nurse that brought me in made sue I was totally comfortable on the operating chair/bed. She wanted me to take my hair down out of my ponytail to avoid discomfort...but then she put it back up for me before I woke up :)
And, to top it all off, my oral surgeon called me a few hours afterward to ask me how I was doing. He didn't ask one of his secretaries to do it...he did it himself . On my cellphone.He asked me how I was feeling, if I'd been able to drink anything (because of the whole mouth numbness thing), and he told me to take it easy this weekend.
As I sit here with my face sandwiched between two ice bags, chewing on a few pieces of gauze, it really is nice to know that there are people--successful people--in the medical world that truly care about their patients.
P.S. On a totally unrelated note...apparently there are a lot of you viewing this from Russia. What?! That's crazy. In that case...Zdravstvuj! And spasibo! (I apologize if that is, in any way, incorrect...I just wanted to express my thanks :) )
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Is This How It's Going to Be?
Is this how it's going to be when I come home from school? And things have happened that I'm not aware of and people are angry at each other, and I feel as if can't do anything because, well...I'm not a part of that anymore?
I'm still house-sitting, and I had to go home to pick up the car so I could go to work in the morning. Just as I was about to leave, my grandma called and my mom had was on the phone with her for fifteen minutes, consisting of my mom telling her things that she had obviously told her many times before. Financial stuff. My mom was exasperated as she got off the line. I might mention that my grandma is borderline Alzheimer's. And stubborn as hell. My mom's been trying to deal with her--as harsh as that may sound--since October of 2009 when my grandpa passed away. I don't think my mom's slept soundly since. Not to mention she's pretty much alone in this whole endeavor, even though she has three other siblings. She probably got roped in because she's the oldest.
But when she gets done with these phone conversations or five-hour long "trips to the grocery store" that also involve my mom balancing her checkbook and checking her septic system and taking the dog--who's just as decrepit--to the vet...and she's exhausted and frustrated and angry. And I can't do anything but sit there and listen.
And today, right before I left to go back to the house, she told me that, should she keel over in the near future, two people are two blame. "My mother and your dad," she told me.
That's another thing.
I don't know the whole story. Never want to know the whole story. They've been divorced for as long as I can remember. And it's hell. As of late, my dad is/was being a tad bit lazy with his most recent child support payment. And my mom is severely pissed at him. This happened while I was away from home. It makes me wonder what'll happen when I'm at school. My mom won't be able to ask me, I visit my dad, if he gave me a check for that month's dues. If I'll come home and she'll be angry at everyone. There'll be stories that I won't be around to hear as they happen.
That's growing up, though. Home, your house, is no longer the place where your stories originate. The stories that intervene with your life come from your workplace, your college campus. Going anywhere else and hearing stories...they aren't yours anymore. They're someone else's.
I'm still house-sitting, and I had to go home to pick up the car so I could go to work in the morning. Just as I was about to leave, my grandma called and my mom had was on the phone with her for fifteen minutes, consisting of my mom telling her things that she had obviously told her many times before. Financial stuff. My mom was exasperated as she got off the line. I might mention that my grandma is borderline Alzheimer's. And stubborn as hell. My mom's been trying to deal with her--as harsh as that may sound--since October of 2009 when my grandpa passed away. I don't think my mom's slept soundly since. Not to mention she's pretty much alone in this whole endeavor, even though she has three other siblings. She probably got roped in because she's the oldest.
But when she gets done with these phone conversations or five-hour long "trips to the grocery store" that also involve my mom balancing her checkbook and checking her septic system and taking the dog--who's just as decrepit--to the vet...and she's exhausted and frustrated and angry. And I can't do anything but sit there and listen.
And today, right before I left to go back to the house, she told me that, should she keel over in the near future, two people are two blame. "My mother and your dad," she told me.
That's another thing.
I don't know the whole story. Never want to know the whole story. They've been divorced for as long as I can remember. And it's hell. As of late, my dad is/was being a tad bit lazy with his most recent child support payment. And my mom is severely pissed at him. This happened while I was away from home. It makes me wonder what'll happen when I'm at school. My mom won't be able to ask me, I visit my dad, if he gave me a check for that month's dues. If I'll come home and she'll be angry at everyone. There'll be stories that I won't be around to hear as they happen.
That's growing up, though. Home, your house, is no longer the place where your stories originate. The stories that intervene with your life come from your workplace, your college campus. Going anywhere else and hearing stories...they aren't yours anymore. They're someone else's.
Friday, July 13, 2012
"Those who can, do...
...and those who can't, teach." I'm calling BS.
I'm watching a documentary called 'American Teacher', and it's making me do a lot of thinking.
Teachers have been an integral part of my life. And not just because they've been in and out of my life for the past thirteen years while I've completed my basic education. No. Let's just say that it's kind of a family business. I have two uncles and two aunts who are teachers. Another aunt has a degree in teaching. Not to mention that both of my parents are also teachers. My step-mom is even a teacher.
I heard a friend say once that she wanted to be a teacher because, in her mind, it was the only profession she had been around and had any sort of idea of how the career worked. At the time, it seemed assuming of her to say something like that...that, truthfully, she had no exposure to any sort of career during her schooling other than teaching.
Now I kind of see her point. I have not gone a single day in my life and not have had school--whether or not it was the school I attended--a part of my life. I went to my mom's school after school almost every day, even into high school. Living in a single-parent household, long hours were spent waiting for my mom to finish up with work. And she actually was never a teacher in my lifetime. In my mind, she's always been an administrator. And, still, she put in hours way beyond those asked of her. She had meetings that wouldn't end until five, six p.m., and most times I would be there waiting for her, never able to go to dance or soccer practice or anything else that the average kid would get to do after school (way too many piano and/or guitar lessons were missed because of a meeting going over time or my mom having to deal with a student disciplinary issue...I probably would have done lessons longer if this weren't the case).
You probably won't be surprised to hear that my chosen pathway, as I am embarking on my collegiate career, is education. Because of the aforementioned reasons. However...there's been a lot of thinking on my part about this whole things...Depending on the person, when people ask me what I want to go into while I'm at school, I've caught myself saying "I don't know" because I feel...ashamed that I want to go into education. Because of what society has made of the teaching profession. When I tell people, I get this vibe from them that they know I can do better. Why would I want to be a teacher? There are so many other options out there...A few months ago, I over-heard my grandma talking to my mom, and my mom mentioned my wanting to go into education. My grandma was disgusted by this notion. 'Why the hell would she want to do that? She's got better things to do in life than stand in front of a classroom.
I know two people, at least, who go door-to-door and do demonstrations for highly over-priced knives. They get paid by the demonstration, not by the amount of knives they actually convince people to buy. Even thirty-five years ago, my mom knew these two brothers in college. One was working as a teacher, and the other worked Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays at a steakhouse while he finished school. The man who worked at the steakhouse made more money than his teacher brother. Something's wrong with that.
The teaching profession in the United States makes me angry. Really angry. Because teachers, the good ones, put in more hours than are truly expected of them. And they are leaving the classroom at an alarming rate because of the lack of respect for the profession and the lack of financial support for the countless hours they put into ensuring their children--your children are obtaining the best education possible.
These people are heroes, mentors, counselors...friends...and they make lasting impressions on their students. I can't tell you how many of my teachers have taught me lessons beyond their designated subject areas. And this is not an uncommon occurrence. They deserve to have the time and the resources to be able to do their job to the best of their abilities. They should be able to attend trainings and conferences to learn from other teachers and learn how to do their job more effectively...or even teach others how to do their job more effectively. And they shouldn't have to pay heavily out of pocket in order to do so. Either give them a larger classroom budget, or give them a larger salary.
I don't know where I was going with this...maybe just a 'reaction' post to 'American Teacher'. Take what you want from this. I'm going to bed.
I'm watching a documentary called 'American Teacher', and it's making me do a lot of thinking.
Teachers have been an integral part of my life. And not just because they've been in and out of my life for the past thirteen years while I've completed my basic education. No. Let's just say that it's kind of a family business. I have two uncles and two aunts who are teachers. Another aunt has a degree in teaching. Not to mention that both of my parents are also teachers. My step-mom is even a teacher.
I heard a friend say once that she wanted to be a teacher because, in her mind, it was the only profession she had been around and had any sort of idea of how the career worked. At the time, it seemed assuming of her to say something like that...that, truthfully, she had no exposure to any sort of career during her schooling other than teaching.
Now I kind of see her point. I have not gone a single day in my life and not have had school--whether or not it was the school I attended--a part of my life. I went to my mom's school after school almost every day, even into high school. Living in a single-parent household, long hours were spent waiting for my mom to finish up with work. And she actually was never a teacher in my lifetime. In my mind, she's always been an administrator. And, still, she put in hours way beyond those asked of her. She had meetings that wouldn't end until five, six p.m., and most times I would be there waiting for her, never able to go to dance or soccer practice or anything else that the average kid would get to do after school (way too many piano and/or guitar lessons were missed because of a meeting going over time or my mom having to deal with a student disciplinary issue...I probably would have done lessons longer if this weren't the case).
You probably won't be surprised to hear that my chosen pathway, as I am embarking on my collegiate career, is education. Because of the aforementioned reasons. However...there's been a lot of thinking on my part about this whole things...Depending on the person, when people ask me what I want to go into while I'm at school, I've caught myself saying "I don't know" because I feel...ashamed that I want to go into education. Because of what society has made of the teaching profession. When I tell people, I get this vibe from them that they know I can do better. Why would I want to be a teacher? There are so many other options out there...A few months ago, I over-heard my grandma talking to my mom, and my mom mentioned my wanting to go into education. My grandma was disgusted by this notion. 'Why the hell would she want to do that? She's got better things to do in life than stand in front of a classroom.
I know two people, at least, who go door-to-door and do demonstrations for highly over-priced knives. They get paid by the demonstration, not by the amount of knives they actually convince people to buy. Even thirty-five years ago, my mom knew these two brothers in college. One was working as a teacher, and the other worked Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays at a steakhouse while he finished school. The man who worked at the steakhouse made more money than his teacher brother. Something's wrong with that.
The teaching profession in the United States makes me angry. Really angry. Because teachers, the good ones, put in more hours than are truly expected of them. And they are leaving the classroom at an alarming rate because of the lack of respect for the profession and the lack of financial support for the countless hours they put into ensuring their children--your children are obtaining the best education possible.
These people are heroes, mentors, counselors...friends...and they make lasting impressions on their students. I can't tell you how many of my teachers have taught me lessons beyond their designated subject areas. And this is not an uncommon occurrence. They deserve to have the time and the resources to be able to do their job to the best of their abilities. They should be able to attend trainings and conferences to learn from other teachers and learn how to do their job more effectively...or even teach others how to do their job more effectively. And they shouldn't have to pay heavily out of pocket in order to do so. Either give them a larger classroom budget, or give them a larger salary.
I don't know where I was going with this...maybe just a 'reaction' post to 'American Teacher'. Take what you want from this. I'm going to bed.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Much-Needed Rest
Hello, lovelies. It's bee a while, hasn't it?
What have you all been up to in the month since we last spoke?
...
(Honestly, feel free to leave a comment and tell me what you've been doing so far this summer...)
It's taken a while for summer to finally kick in for me. Maybe because school got out two weeks after the seniors left. Maybe it's because, until about Tuesday, the weather's been rather...un-summery. Seriously, it's been like 70+ degrees for the past four days. First time all year.
Maybe it also feels like summer finally because I'm at a job now. And the only reason I'm really calling it a job is because I'm getting paid. It's hardly work at all. Basically, I'm house-sitting and dog-sitting for the ext two weeks. The only things I have to do are let the dogs out a few times a day, feed them, and stay overnight with them. And occasionally feed the turtles, water the plants, and take the trash out. That leaves a lot of extra time to just...hang out. They have Netflix (I'm currently on my sixth or seventh episode of Doctor Who and it's barely been one day). And a Wii. So I'm pretty much getting paid to sit around all day and play with the dogs and read and watch movies. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me.
While I'm cooped up in this house all the time, though, I'm trying to find other things to keep myself busy and...productive. I'm starting a little work-out regime for myself so I don't completely waste away in front of the T.V. all day and waste this amazing weather we're having (did I mention that these people also bought me food to last me the entire two weeks?). I'm going to do my darndest to keep it up every day I'm here and add new things to my little routine every day as well. These people have a super long drive-way that's a good length for walking back and forth on, so I can do "laps" every day.
On the other hand, I really am enjoying this relaxing pseudo-vacation. I get to stay up late and sleep in every day (after I feed the dogs at 6 a.m.). And not get out of my pj's until the afternoon. That's nice as well.
I'll probably post more things during my time here, just to keep myself busy and to exercise my creative juices. I mean, I've been kind of lonely, in a way, since BEDSY ended.
I'll figure something else out eventually. Maybe I'll do NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month for those not in the know). Or something more normal. Like BEDA.
Hope you're all having a fabulous summer! : )
What have you all been up to in the month since we last spoke?
...
(Honestly, feel free to leave a comment and tell me what you've been doing so far this summer...)
It's taken a while for summer to finally kick in for me. Maybe because school got out two weeks after the seniors left. Maybe it's because, until about Tuesday, the weather's been rather...un-summery. Seriously, it's been like 70+ degrees for the past four days. First time all year.
Maybe it also feels like summer finally because I'm at a job now. And the only reason I'm really calling it a job is because I'm getting paid. It's hardly work at all. Basically, I'm house-sitting and dog-sitting for the ext two weeks. The only things I have to do are let the dogs out a few times a day, feed them, and stay overnight with them. And occasionally feed the turtles, water the plants, and take the trash out. That leaves a lot of extra time to just...hang out. They have Netflix (I'm currently on my sixth or seventh episode of Doctor Who and it's barely been one day). And a Wii. So I'm pretty much getting paid to sit around all day and play with the dogs and read and watch movies. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me.
While I'm cooped up in this house all the time, though, I'm trying to find other things to keep myself busy and...productive. I'm starting a little work-out regime for myself so I don't completely waste away in front of the T.V. all day and waste this amazing weather we're having (did I mention that these people also bought me food to last me the entire two weeks?). I'm going to do my darndest to keep it up every day I'm here and add new things to my little routine every day as well. These people have a super long drive-way that's a good length for walking back and forth on, so I can do "laps" every day.
On the other hand, I really am enjoying this relaxing pseudo-vacation. I get to stay up late and sleep in every day (after I feed the dogs at 6 a.m.). And not get out of my pj's until the afternoon. That's nice as well.
I'll probably post more things during my time here, just to keep myself busy and to exercise my creative juices. I mean, I've been kind of lonely, in a way, since BEDSY ended.
I'll figure something else out eventually. Maybe I'll do NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month for those not in the know). Or something more normal. Like BEDA.
Hope you're all having a fabulous summer! : )
Monday, June 11, 2012
Graduation: BEDSY Day 174 Plus the Weekend (Mon. Jun 11th, 2012)
I'm graduated now. I make my own rules.
Kind of.
I knew I wasn't going to post Friday night after graduation (mostly because I was at a friend's house until 1 p.m. the next day and then had to go to another friend's house that night, and went to two more friend's houses yesterday...the joys of having all your friends graduate with you...on the other hand, I haven't gone hungry at all this weekend...especially when one of your friends has Filipino relatives from out of town (SO MUCH FOOD)) so I thought I'd just save my last BEDSY entry until I had a day off from partying.
I'm enjoying being home and not having any real obligations. I start working part-time at my family's storage place next week, but like I said, it's only a part-time (three days a week). I don't have any homework that's due at the end of the summer (for AP). In fact, I don't even start school until the 26th of September. That's a long effing summer. And I'd like to think I deserve it.
And maybe this is finally the time for my anxiety to finally be in check, since I literally have nothing to worry about. At least, not of the magnitude that I was worrying before.
A few people have asked me if I feel any different now that I have graduated (by the way, I don't actually have my diploma, either...I have to go back and get that in July)...and I don't really feel that different. I guess that's normal. I find it funny that I'm sitting at home on my computer and watching T.V. while the rest of my non-senior friends are still in school (well, not now since it's four in the afternoon). That's a little different. But I don't feel older or wiser.
The ceremony itself was long and boring, for the most part. A solid hour was dedicated to reading the names of the graduating seniors. A solid hour. There were a few speeches, which were pretty good. There were a few hiccups as usual, including the misreading of almost an entire line. But that's my high school for you. Plus there were almost 600 of us graduating. Something's bound to happen.
Now I guess I'm at a loss of what to do with myself now. I want to start running again, but I'm kind of waiting for my anxiety to subside a little but more for that to start (that's a terrible excuse, I know). Get off this stupid allergy medicine, which I think is contributing to my anxiety. I have to go up to Bellingham for a few days this summer to sign up for classes. I have a two-week dog-sitting gig in the beginning of July. I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled (could solve the ear problems I've been having for the past few months). Write some more (stuff that's not on here). Read (I have two books lined up thus far, and I actually want to finish one of those tonight...I think I can...). I have to go back to school some time this week (I think I'm going tomorrow) to finish up some stuff (nothing school-related, just getting some last signatures in my yearbook). Watch movies I've been meaning to watch and re-watch (it's been a really long time since I've gone to see a movie in the theater...my friends know this). Hang out with my friends when they're not working and when I'm not working. Not spend the summer hiding out in my basement.
I'll be posting other things in the next few days.
To my fellow graduates: Happy First Day of Summer!!
Kind of.
I knew I wasn't going to post Friday night after graduation (mostly because I was at a friend's house until 1 p.m. the next day and then had to go to another friend's house that night, and went to two more friend's houses yesterday...the joys of having all your friends graduate with you...on the other hand, I haven't gone hungry at all this weekend...especially when one of your friends has Filipino relatives from out of town (SO MUCH FOOD)) so I thought I'd just save my last BEDSY entry until I had a day off from partying.
I'm enjoying being home and not having any real obligations. I start working part-time at my family's storage place next week, but like I said, it's only a part-time (three days a week). I don't have any homework that's due at the end of the summer (for AP). In fact, I don't even start school until the 26th of September. That's a long effing summer. And I'd like to think I deserve it.
And maybe this is finally the time for my anxiety to finally be in check, since I literally have nothing to worry about. At least, not of the magnitude that I was worrying before.
A few people have asked me if I feel any different now that I have graduated (by the way, I don't actually have my diploma, either...I have to go back and get that in July)...and I don't really feel that different. I guess that's normal. I find it funny that I'm sitting at home on my computer and watching T.V. while the rest of my non-senior friends are still in school (well, not now since it's four in the afternoon). That's a little different. But I don't feel older or wiser.
The ceremony itself was long and boring, for the most part. A solid hour was dedicated to reading the names of the graduating seniors. A solid hour. There were a few speeches, which were pretty good. There were a few hiccups as usual, including the misreading of almost an entire line. But that's my high school for you. Plus there were almost 600 of us graduating. Something's bound to happen.
Now I guess I'm at a loss of what to do with myself now. I want to start running again, but I'm kind of waiting for my anxiety to subside a little but more for that to start (that's a terrible excuse, I know). Get off this stupid allergy medicine, which I think is contributing to my anxiety. I have to go up to Bellingham for a few days this summer to sign up for classes. I have a two-week dog-sitting gig in the beginning of July. I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled (could solve the ear problems I've been having for the past few months). Write some more (stuff that's not on here). Read (I have two books lined up thus far, and I actually want to finish one of those tonight...I think I can...). I have to go back to school some time this week (I think I'm going tomorrow) to finish up some stuff (nothing school-related, just getting some last signatures in my yearbook). Watch movies I've been meaning to watch and re-watch (it's been a really long time since I've gone to see a movie in the theater...my friends know this). Hang out with my friends when they're not working and when I'm not working. Not spend the summer hiding out in my basement.
I'll be posting other things in the next few days.
To my fellow graduates: Happy First Day of Summer!!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Last Day: BEDSY Day 173 (Thur. Jun. 7th, 2012)
I'm done with high school.
I'm done with high school.
I'm done with high school.
24 hours from now, I'll have graduated from high school. Today was my last day of actual classes. And it's my easy day. First I had English. We actually lost power at school for about an hour this morning during first period due to a fallen tree. What a way to end the year...at least we weren't doing anything. A bunch of us (including my teacher) sat on the floor in front of the flood lights in the room (because the room has no windows) and the back-lights from our cellphones and played Apples to Apples until the power came back on. Then I had Calculus, where we watched all the music videos we made (our Titanic spoof was hands down the best...) and laughed really hard, as I do in every calc class. And I ended my day, and my high school career, in the band room. Just like it started. We just sat around and signed yearbooks and wrote thank you cards for people who sponsored our trip to Hawaii. And then Grams put a movie into his DVD player.
It was the video all of us seniors got at the end of our sophomore year, documenting our trip down to the Rose Parade.
We all pretty much just lost it then and there. To end our high school life with the thing that made us a part of the high school band before we even officially left junior high. That really was a special time, and there won't be another time like it...at least for a long, long time. Grams will always remember it, as will we. It's an end of an era, and nothing will ever be the same....
At the beginning of this whole project, I had no real hopes that I would make it to the very end. I thought that I would go on a break from school (Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.) and then would never come back. but I always did, even during the times when I would be stricken with anxiety attacks. But I made it. The countdown decreased as the days went on, and now I have no more days left until graduation. Now it's time to figure out what the next big project is for me...
I have plans this summer. And yet I don't have plans. I have to "give up" two weeks in July to dog sit. But I'm getting paid $700 for it, so I'm not complaining...
I'm looking forward to getting to spend time with people in a way that won't be tarnished by things that we have to do for school...'cause we'll be done. We have a few weeks together before things get crazy. But I intend on making the most of those weeks. I want to go camping. I want to take a trip with some of these people. I want memories of these people. They've given me so many good ones already.
One last time, I'm off to bed. I have to get up early and go to graduation practice at 8 tomorrow morning. But then I'm done at 10. And that's it until 7, when graduation starts.
If you're also graduating this week (or month, or have graduated int he past few weeks), congratulations! Class of 2012!!
In honor of completing my last days of public education, I leave you all with this:
Friends applaud, the comedy is over. (Beethoven, last words)
Days 'til graduation: 0
I'm done with high school.
I'm done with high school.
24 hours from now, I'll have graduated from high school. Today was my last day of actual classes. And it's my easy day. First I had English. We actually lost power at school for about an hour this morning during first period due to a fallen tree. What a way to end the year...at least we weren't doing anything. A bunch of us (including my teacher) sat on the floor in front of the flood lights in the room (because the room has no windows) and the back-lights from our cellphones and played Apples to Apples until the power came back on. Then I had Calculus, where we watched all the music videos we made (our Titanic spoof was hands down the best...) and laughed really hard, as I do in every calc class. And I ended my day, and my high school career, in the band room. Just like it started. We just sat around and signed yearbooks and wrote thank you cards for people who sponsored our trip to Hawaii. And then Grams put a movie into his DVD player.
It was the video all of us seniors got at the end of our sophomore year, documenting our trip down to the Rose Parade.
We all pretty much just lost it then and there. To end our high school life with the thing that made us a part of the high school band before we even officially left junior high. That really was a special time, and there won't be another time like it...at least for a long, long time. Grams will always remember it, as will we. It's an end of an era, and nothing will ever be the same....
At the beginning of this whole project, I had no real hopes that I would make it to the very end. I thought that I would go on a break from school (Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.) and then would never come back. but I always did, even during the times when I would be stricken with anxiety attacks. But I made it. The countdown decreased as the days went on, and now I have no more days left until graduation. Now it's time to figure out what the next big project is for me...
I have plans this summer. And yet I don't have plans. I have to "give up" two weeks in July to dog sit. But I'm getting paid $700 for it, so I'm not complaining...
I'm looking forward to getting to spend time with people in a way that won't be tarnished by things that we have to do for school...'cause we'll be done. We have a few weeks together before things get crazy. But I intend on making the most of those weeks. I want to go camping. I want to take a trip with some of these people. I want memories of these people. They've given me so many good ones already.
One last time, I'm off to bed. I have to get up early and go to graduation practice at 8 tomorrow morning. But then I'm done at 10. And that's it until 7, when graduation starts.
If you're also graduating this week (or month, or have graduated int he past few weeks), congratulations! Class of 2012!!
In honor of completing my last days of public education, I leave you all with this:
Friends applaud, the comedy is over. (Beethoven, last words)
Days 'til graduation: 0
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
It is Finished: BEDSY Day 172 (Wed. Jun 6th, 2012)
I literally have no more homework. No more tests. No more projects.
No more pencils. No more books. No more teacher's dirty looks.
I had the last day of one set of classes today, and I'll have the last day of my other set of classes tomorrow. And I end the day with band. As it should be.
On nights where I don't have "any" homework, it's usually because nothing's due the next day for a couple days. But I don't have anything left. I'm done with high school academia. Tomorrow will be last day attending classes, and I only have to return Friday morning for graduation practice.
I can't say it enough. I'm done. No more high school. This is my last school night (in the traditional sense...in the sense that I'll feel guilty for staying up late...this year I haven't minded much at all, though...
To all my friends who are reading this (you know who you are): We made it. Congrats on 13 years of hard work. More on that later...
For now, I'm off to bed. I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Days 'til graduation: 1...a number I only dreamed of seeing.
No more pencils. No more books. No more teacher's dirty looks.
I had the last day of one set of classes today, and I'll have the last day of my other set of classes tomorrow. And I end the day with band. As it should be.
On nights where I don't have "any" homework, it's usually because nothing's due the next day for a couple days. But I don't have anything left. I'm done with high school academia. Tomorrow will be last day attending classes, and I only have to return Friday morning for graduation practice.
I can't say it enough. I'm done. No more high school. This is my last school night (in the traditional sense...in the sense that I'll feel guilty for staying up late...this year I haven't minded much at all, though...
To all my friends who are reading this (you know who you are): We made it. Congrats on 13 years of hard work. More on that later...
For now, I'm off to bed. I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Days 'til graduation: 1...a number I only dreamed of seeing.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
The FINAL Countdown: BEDSY Day 171 (Tue. Jun 5th, 2012)
(If I could insert audio directly onto this blog, I totally would insert the beginning of The Final Countdown.)
ONE FINAL LEFT AND THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT. I'M DONE.
ZIP. ZILCH. DONE.
THAT'S ALL, FOLKS.
I'm at the point where I'm not doing anything in my classes anymore. It's kind of weird. All we pretty much have left is to sign yearbooks.
But, guys. I'm done with high school. The only thing that stands between me and freedom is one Chemistry test tomorrow afternoon. And then I'm officially done with my high school education. Then I just get to hang out at school all day Thursday.
I guess I should talk about the fact that BEDSY is pretty much over after Friday. To think that this once started out as a small project that I hoped would be in place of a sort of senior year bucket list...and has now pretty much turned into a semi-daily routine (minus that chunk of time where I was having mental breakdowns every other night...plus the days when the power and/or internet was out) that I hope to continue into next year. Perhaps on not as formal of a schedule (maybe I'll take a stab at Blog Every Day in April or one of those other monthly things). Again, I like writing, and I'm kind of sad that I don't take more time to do it.
Did I ever tell you guys what the origin behind my blog name is? No? 170+ entries and I never told you? My bad...
In all honesty it's not as significant as some other people's blog names. I had these Ray Ban knock-off sunglasses (the ones that they sell for like $10) for about three years. And, as the title suggests, they were bright lime green. I got them right before band camp of my sophomore year. I was known as the girl with the bright green glasses for a little while. And then I just kept them. I had them the next year at camp, and I swore to myself that I would have them my senior year as well. And I did. Needless to say they were my favorite sunglasses. Unfortunately, in the middle of September, they snapped, and i was unable to fully repair them. So now they sit on my desk as a fun decoration.
That's the story.
In the mean time, I shall give in to my senioritis and go attempt to study for my chem final...but will probably end up just watching Chopped (as I do every Tuesday) and studying throughout my classes tomorrow.
Who cares. I'm graduating on Friday, scukas.
Days 'til graduation: 2
ONE FINAL LEFT AND THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT. I'M DONE.
ZIP. ZILCH. DONE.
THAT'S ALL, FOLKS.
I'm at the point where I'm not doing anything in my classes anymore. It's kind of weird. All we pretty much have left is to sign yearbooks.
But, guys. I'm done with high school. The only thing that stands between me and freedom is one Chemistry test tomorrow afternoon. And then I'm officially done with my high school education. Then I just get to hang out at school all day Thursday.
I guess I should talk about the fact that BEDSY is pretty much over after Friday. To think that this once started out as a small project that I hoped would be in place of a sort of senior year bucket list...and has now pretty much turned into a semi-daily routine (minus that chunk of time where I was having mental breakdowns every other night...plus the days when the power and/or internet was out) that I hope to continue into next year. Perhaps on not as formal of a schedule (maybe I'll take a stab at Blog Every Day in April or one of those other monthly things). Again, I like writing, and I'm kind of sad that I don't take more time to do it.
Did I ever tell you guys what the origin behind my blog name is? No? 170+ entries and I never told you? My bad...
In all honesty it's not as significant as some other people's blog names. I had these Ray Ban knock-off sunglasses (the ones that they sell for like $10) for about three years. And, as the title suggests, they were bright lime green. I got them right before band camp of my sophomore year. I was known as the girl with the bright green glasses for a little while. And then I just kept them. I had them the next year at camp, and I swore to myself that I would have them my senior year as well. And I did. Needless to say they were my favorite sunglasses. Unfortunately, in the middle of September, they snapped, and i was unable to fully repair them. So now they sit on my desk as a fun decoration.
That's the story.
In the mean time, I shall give in to my senioritis and go attempt to study for my chem final...but will probably end up just watching Chopped (as I do every Tuesday) and studying throughout my classes tomorrow.
Who cares. I'm graduating on Friday, scukas.
Days 'til graduation: 2
BEDSY day 170 (Mon. Jun 4th, 2012)
Two more finals, two more finals, two more finals...One is first thing tomorrow, the other is last thing on Wednesday.
I can do this.
And now I must go study for the one tomorrow. My last high school English final. Toodles!
Days 'til graduation: 3
I can do this.
And now I must go study for the one tomorrow. My last high school English final. Toodles!
Days 'til graduation: 3
Sunday, June 3, 2012
And We Danced, and We Cried...: BEDSY Days 168-169, Plus the Weekend (Sun. Jun. 3rd, 2012)
'And we laughed...and had a really really really good time...'
A lot has happened in the last four days, guys. A lot of things. And a lot of things are going to be happening in the next four days as well.
Let's start with Thursday.
Thursday night was our Pops concert a.k.a. our last concert where we play some of our favorite pieces from the past year. In total, Wind Ensemble played six songs: John William's 'Summon the Heroes' (for the Summer Olympics...such an epic opener), Stephen Reineke's 'The Witch and the Saint' (by far our favorite piece...so cool and so intricate), John Barnes Chance's 'Incantation and Dance' (this song is just nuts...it took everything we had to pull it off for the concert...and we did. Probably one of the hardest pieces we've done this year, but we needed the challenge), James Curnow's 'Where Never Lark or Even Eagle Flew' (there's so much emotion in this song...we played it for contest in March), Michael W. Smith's 'Freedom' (another emotional song...very patriotic...reminded us of Hawaii and Pearl Harbor), and John Phillip Sousa's 'The Stars and Stripes Forever' (because Grams has made it a tradition for the Wind Ensemble to finish with this song...there's this epic piccolo solo in the middle--as you'll hear in the recording--and this year was the best it's ever been. Heck yes..)
There's one more tradition that we did at the end of the concert that started my sophomore year...we surround the audience (well, concert band and percussion does; wind ensemble just stays on stage) and we play a song or two from our parade rotation. Two years ago, we played our entire Rose Parade rotation; last year, we did our entire parade rotation, ending with Billy Joel's 'Piano Man'. This year, we ended with the song that, after five hard years of trying, won us $10,000...Elvis's "Burning Love".
This concert meant a lot of things for a lot of people. Part of the concert was dedicated to recognizing the seniors (of which there are, like, forty). We got these really intricate plaques with our names on them and an inscription thanking us for our hard work and dedication throughout our years with the band. But there were also two logos on the plaque. One was a hibiscus with an SK in the middle of it to represent our trip to Hawaii. The other was the logo from the 2010 Tournament of Roses. We were the last class to have that logo, just as the two classes before us also got the logo on their plaques.
The theme for this concert was 'Passing on the Legacy'. Like I said, my class is the last of the Rose Parade group. In a weird way, it's like the end of an era. Bands from this point one won't be the same. No two bands are the same, in any way. Things will be different now. But future bands will experience new things and different things than we got to experience in our time with them. Either way, every year is still going to be special, because this is a very special band.
On another note...it would be an understatement to say that most of my friends are in band. They're more than just my friends; they're my family. And they have been for a really long time. One of my best friends I actually became friends with because we were in band together. We've sat next to each other in band for six years, performed together, marched together...and Thursday was our last night to perform together. We're going to different colleges, be in different performing groups...all in all, we just won't be together anymore. And I'm not saying that our friendship is over...it's just that an integral part of our friendship, what led to us being friends (initially we both hated each other) is going to be over. I've cried a lot over that...and I'm sure I will some more.
I'll talk more about band on Thursday, after we do senior circle. That's where the tears are gonna roll...
So...Saturday...something really big happened on Saturday...but I can't remember what...
Oh yeah. Prom was on Saturday.
And it was so much fun.
I'd been really super torn about going to Prom for a long time Literally, I pretty much decided that I was going about three weeks beforehand. (Don't get me started on my rant about why I didn't want to go to Prom, though...it's just best we leave it...).
Anyway...I went with two really good friends, but ended up hanging out with a big group of friends once I got there. We went out to dinner beforehand and then crashed at my house for a little while and ate junk food and watched a movie...just to let all the crazy people get off the roads so driving home would be a little bit safer.
And, yes, I had a date. :) And the two of us had a really nice time. We got set up by a mutual friend, so we hadn't really had a lot of time to spend together beforehand (we'd met once before), but we've been talking pretty much every day for an extended period of time.
At this point, we're just friends. And my mom approves of him.
All in all, a fantastic night spent with some of my favorite people, and a great way to kick off the celebration that will last all this week and probably into next week.
Days 'til graduation: 4 : )
I put links down below so you guys can go listen to the songs I mentioned above (note: the only recording of us is the last one. All the other recordings are of other bands). (I highly recommend it.)
Summon the Heroes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlTw2C_FEzE&list=PLF01A7A2F0F5509E5&index=1&feature=plpp_video
The Witch and the Saint: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0Oejbjk_z4&feature=bf_next&list=PLF01A7A2F0F5509E5
Incantation and Dance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyKNWJnLaYs&feature=bf_next&list=PLF01A7A2F0F5509E5
Where never Lark or Eagle Flew: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aaAys23Lc7Q&feature=bf_next&list=PLF01A7A2F0F5509E5
Freedom: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0Msqg1pBsc&feature=bf_next&list=PLF01A7A2F0F5509E5
The Stars and Stripes Forever: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mRn9chmRAY&list=PLF01A7A2F0F5509E5&index=6&feature=plpp_video
Burning Love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d67sE5EZ2EM&feature=related
A lot has happened in the last four days, guys. A lot of things. And a lot of things are going to be happening in the next four days as well.
Let's start with Thursday.
Thursday night was our Pops concert a.k.a. our last concert where we play some of our favorite pieces from the past year. In total, Wind Ensemble played six songs: John William's 'Summon the Heroes' (for the Summer Olympics...such an epic opener), Stephen Reineke's 'The Witch and the Saint' (by far our favorite piece...so cool and so intricate), John Barnes Chance's 'Incantation and Dance' (this song is just nuts...it took everything we had to pull it off for the concert...and we did. Probably one of the hardest pieces we've done this year, but we needed the challenge), James Curnow's 'Where Never Lark or Even Eagle Flew' (there's so much emotion in this song...we played it for contest in March), Michael W. Smith's 'Freedom' (another emotional song...very patriotic...reminded us of Hawaii and Pearl Harbor), and John Phillip Sousa's 'The Stars and Stripes Forever' (because Grams has made it a tradition for the Wind Ensemble to finish with this song...there's this epic piccolo solo in the middle--as you'll hear in the recording--and this year was the best it's ever been. Heck yes..)
There's one more tradition that we did at the end of the concert that started my sophomore year...we surround the audience (well, concert band and percussion does; wind ensemble just stays on stage) and we play a song or two from our parade rotation. Two years ago, we played our entire Rose Parade rotation; last year, we did our entire parade rotation, ending with Billy Joel's 'Piano Man'. This year, we ended with the song that, after five hard years of trying, won us $10,000...Elvis's "Burning Love".
This concert meant a lot of things for a lot of people. Part of the concert was dedicated to recognizing the seniors (of which there are, like, forty). We got these really intricate plaques with our names on them and an inscription thanking us for our hard work and dedication throughout our years with the band. But there were also two logos on the plaque. One was a hibiscus with an SK in the middle of it to represent our trip to Hawaii. The other was the logo from the 2010 Tournament of Roses. We were the last class to have that logo, just as the two classes before us also got the logo on their plaques.
The theme for this concert was 'Passing on the Legacy'. Like I said, my class is the last of the Rose Parade group. In a weird way, it's like the end of an era. Bands from this point one won't be the same. No two bands are the same, in any way. Things will be different now. But future bands will experience new things and different things than we got to experience in our time with them. Either way, every year is still going to be special, because this is a very special band.
On another note...it would be an understatement to say that most of my friends are in band. They're more than just my friends; they're my family. And they have been for a really long time. One of my best friends I actually became friends with because we were in band together. We've sat next to each other in band for six years, performed together, marched together...and Thursday was our last night to perform together. We're going to different colleges, be in different performing groups...all in all, we just won't be together anymore. And I'm not saying that our friendship is over...it's just that an integral part of our friendship, what led to us being friends (initially we both hated each other) is going to be over. I've cried a lot over that...and I'm sure I will some more.
I'll talk more about band on Thursday, after we do senior circle. That's where the tears are gonna roll...
So...Saturday...something really big happened on Saturday...but I can't remember what...
Oh yeah. Prom was on Saturday.
And it was so much fun.
I'd been really super torn about going to Prom for a long time Literally, I pretty much decided that I was going about three weeks beforehand. (Don't get me started on my rant about why I didn't want to go to Prom, though...it's just best we leave it...).
Anyway...I went with two really good friends, but ended up hanging out with a big group of friends once I got there. We went out to dinner beforehand and then crashed at my house for a little while and ate junk food and watched a movie...just to let all the crazy people get off the roads so driving home would be a little bit safer.
And, yes, I had a date. :) And the two of us had a really nice time. We got set up by a mutual friend, so we hadn't really had a lot of time to spend together beforehand (we'd met once before), but we've been talking pretty much every day for an extended period of time.
At this point, we're just friends. And my mom approves of him.
All in all, a fantastic night spent with some of my favorite people, and a great way to kick off the celebration that will last all this week and probably into next week.
Days 'til graduation: 4 : )
I put links down below so you guys can go listen to the songs I mentioned above (note: the only recording of us is the last one. All the other recordings are of other bands). (I highly recommend it.)
Summon the Heroes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlTw2C_FEzE&list=PLF01A7A2F0F5509E5&index=1&feature=plpp_video
The Witch and the Saint: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0Oejbjk_z4&feature=bf_next&list=PLF01A7A2F0F5509E5
Incantation and Dance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyKNWJnLaYs&feature=bf_next&list=PLF01A7A2F0F5509E5
Where never Lark or Eagle Flew: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aaAys23Lc7Q&feature=bf_next&list=PLF01A7A2F0F5509E5
Freedom: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0Msqg1pBsc&feature=bf_next&list=PLF01A7A2F0F5509E5
The Stars and Stripes Forever: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mRn9chmRAY&list=PLF01A7A2F0F5509E5&index=6&feature=plpp_video
Burning Love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d67sE5EZ2EM&feature=related
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Without Internet...And Pops: BEDSY Days 165-167 (Wed. May 30th, 2012)
Didn't mean to leave you guys hanging there last Thursday. I really didn't mean it.
Totally was intending to post Monday night for the weekend (since it was a three-day weekend here for Memorial Day). I woke up Monday morning was unable to get Internet on my computer, even though we could get Internet on every other device in my house...except my computer. Of course.
So that's why I haven't been posting. I didn't have a meltdown this time. Well, my Internet had a meltdown...
Anyway...This week's been uber busy. It's Pops week. Pops week equals panic week.
Pops is kind of our biggest concert of the year. It's like three hours long. We play all of our songs that we did for our big music conference as well as a few new ones (actually, most of Wind Ensemble's songs are new). Wind Ensemble alone has like 40 minutes of music. And that doesn't include Concert Band's music. Or the awards. Or recognition of seniors. Or announcing the new drum major and field marshall for next year. Or funny awards. Or dessert afterwards. It's gonna be a long day...
And it's weird...to think that all of my work in band and music over the past three years is about to come to an end tomorrow night, when we finish the night with the song that won us $10,000 this January. There will be people there tomorrow, in the band, that I've been playing with for the past six years...and I'll probably never play with ever again. One of which is my best friend, and we've sat next to each other for the past six years, and tomorrow is our last concert together. I'm just going to be a puddle tomorrow night...
Not to mention...I'm trying to comprehend to journey I've been on these past three years, not just this past year. It's crazy, unfathomable. Any music experience that I have in college will never be like this, I won't have the experiences that I've had in high school. I won't get to experience it with these people ever again.
And I think that's going to be the hardest part...because, as a man whom I consider a great mentor and friend once said...it's not always about the music; it's the about friendships, the heart, the memories that are made with these people...the good, the bad, the ugly...It's the people that make this band what it is. And I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Days 'til graduation: 6
Totally was intending to post Monday night for the weekend (since it was a three-day weekend here for Memorial Day). I woke up Monday morning was unable to get Internet on my computer, even though we could get Internet on every other device in my house...except my computer. Of course.
So that's why I haven't been posting. I didn't have a meltdown this time. Well, my Internet had a meltdown...
Anyway...This week's been uber busy. It's Pops week. Pops week equals panic week.
Pops is kind of our biggest concert of the year. It's like three hours long. We play all of our songs that we did for our big music conference as well as a few new ones (actually, most of Wind Ensemble's songs are new). Wind Ensemble alone has like 40 minutes of music. And that doesn't include Concert Band's music. Or the awards. Or recognition of seniors. Or announcing the new drum major and field marshall for next year. Or funny awards. Or dessert afterwards. It's gonna be a long day...
And it's weird...to think that all of my work in band and music over the past three years is about to come to an end tomorrow night, when we finish the night with the song that won us $10,000 this January. There will be people there tomorrow, in the band, that I've been playing with for the past six years...and I'll probably never play with ever again. One of which is my best friend, and we've sat next to each other for the past six years, and tomorrow is our last concert together. I'm just going to be a puddle tomorrow night...
Not to mention...I'm trying to comprehend to journey I've been on these past three years, not just this past year. It's crazy, unfathomable. Any music experience that I have in college will never be like this, I won't have the experiences that I've had in high school. I won't get to experience it with these people ever again.
And I think that's going to be the hardest part...because, as a man whom I consider a great mentor and friend once said...it's not always about the music; it's the about friendships, the heart, the memories that are made with these people...the good, the bad, the ugly...It's the people that make this band what it is. And I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Days 'til graduation: 6
Thursday, May 24, 2012
BEDSY Day 164 ( Thur. May 24th, 2012)
Short blog.
Last jazz concert tonight. Everyone did well. Got an award for Outstanding Rhythm section. Went to Sharie's for pie afterwards. I had S'mores pie. It was delicious.
I'm going to bed now. Good night.
Days 'til graduation: 9 (single digits now...)
Last jazz concert tonight. Everyone did well. Got an award for Outstanding Rhythm section. Went to Sharie's for pie afterwards. I had S'mores pie. It was delicious.
I'm going to bed now. Good night.
Days 'til graduation: 9 (single digits now...)
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
BEDSY Day 163 (Wed. May 23rd, 2012)
Today's a bit better than yesterday. I don't feel so...PMS-y. Yeah, that rant yesterday was probably mostly PMS. The many trials of being a woman...
Anyway...I'm at the point in the year where my teachers are running out of things to do. Literally, I spent almost two full class periods sitting around and listening to music on my iPod. I took a test in English this morning that took me about 45 minutes (of a 100-minute class). I made up two quizzes that I had missed, but I still had tons of time left over. Then, in math, we're supposed to be working on our music video (ours is pretty much done, except we have to shoot it, which we'll do outside of class) or our financial project (which is mostly completed outside of class as well). So...there you go. I don't have any more books to read, so that option is no longer valid...I had all of my Chemistry homework done (for once)...I didn't have anything due for psychology...we don't have any more homework left in government (because I'm awesome and don't have any missing assignments).
I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I'll actually start having a life again...
Speaking of having a life again...my last jazz concert ever is tomorrow night. Not as sad about this one as I was for marching or will be for concert band...but I did have fun in jazz these past two years. It's made me a better musician, and I've come to appreciate this type of music that often gets overlooked in our modern, techno world.
Days 'til graduation: 10 (What...the...heck...)
Anyway...I'm at the point in the year where my teachers are running out of things to do. Literally, I spent almost two full class periods sitting around and listening to music on my iPod. I took a test in English this morning that took me about 45 minutes (of a 100-minute class). I made up two quizzes that I had missed, but I still had tons of time left over. Then, in math, we're supposed to be working on our music video (ours is pretty much done, except we have to shoot it, which we'll do outside of class) or our financial project (which is mostly completed outside of class as well). So...there you go. I don't have any more books to read, so that option is no longer valid...I had all of my Chemistry homework done (for once)...I didn't have anything due for psychology...we don't have any more homework left in government (because I'm awesome and don't have any missing assignments).
I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I'll actually start having a life again...
Speaking of having a life again...my last jazz concert ever is tomorrow night. Not as sad about this one as I was for marching or will be for concert band...but I did have fun in jazz these past two years. It's made me a better musician, and I've come to appreciate this type of music that often gets overlooked in our modern, techno world.
Days 'til graduation: 10 (What...the...heck...)
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
All the Feelings: BEDSY Day 162 (Tue. May 22nd, 2012)
I was thinking about writing something for tonight...and then it all spewed out on my Tumblr blog. So why don't you head over there, and you can read it. Warning: it's a but emo.
http://emeraldcitynerdfighter.tumblr.com/post/23594267475/so-tonight-was-laurels-night-at-my-school
Days 'til graduation: 11
http://emeraldcitynerdfighter.tumblr.com/post/23594267475/so-tonight-was-laurels-night-at-my-school
Days 'til graduation: 11
Sunday, May 20, 2012
BEDSY Day 160, Plus the Weekend (Sun. May 20th, 2012)
Lots of things happened this weekend. Mostly yesterday. I'm letting it simmer in my mind...I think I'll talk about it more tomorrow. It's kind of like the Hawaii blog. (Except this one won't take four months to write.)
Other than having been gone for the entirety of yesterday, nothing much happened this weekend. Stayed in my pajamas until 4 this afternoon. I have no regrets. On the other hand, I now have my Saturdays back.
Days 'til graduation: 13
Other than having been gone for the entirety of yesterday, nothing much happened this weekend. Stayed in my pajamas until 4 this afternoon. I have no regrets. On the other hand, I now have my Saturdays back.
Days 'til graduation: 13
Thursday, May 17, 2012
BEDSY Day 159 (Thurs. May 17th, 2012)
Most of today was going alright.
After school, I experienced a major mood killer. And now I'm really sad. I don't want to talk about it (I know I'm supposed to on here, and I have the freedom to do so, but it's hard to talk about and hard to explain, so Id' just rather not). I've been trying to cheer myself up ever since.
On the upside, this week was my last full week of school. Every week between now and June 8th is shortened in one way or another. Also, my last two parades are this weekend. No more marching for me after Saturday (yay?).
As usual, glad tomorrow's Friday. Sorry for the emo post.
Days 'til graduation: 14...the rate at which this number is decreasing is beginning to scare me...and excite me.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Psyched Out: BEDSY Day 158 (Wed. May 16th, 2012)
I think I figured out one of the sources of my anxiety.
It's my psychology class.
It's not the people in the class, and it's not the subject matter...it's just how the class is conducted. I don't like it. It makes me anxious. Probably doesn't help that there aren't any windows in the room, either.
See, it's my teacher's first year teaching the AP level psychology class, but she usually teaches the regular psychology, so it shouldn't really be that different....Yet I find myself struggling in that class all the time. I'm pretty sure that I'll make it it out of that class with barely a C. Fantastic. But, seriously...my teacher never assigns homework, and so when she randomly springs it on us, it's highly unlikely that it'll get done by anyone (not just me). Like today, for example, we had to write a paragraph about cultural influences in social psychology. Eight people of the 27 of us turned it in. Eight. On top of that, though, we also had a psychological disorder project due today, which everybody else was focused on. Which everybody turned in. Look at the logic in that.
I don't like my teacher's style of teaching. She does nothing to help us reinforce what we've learned (if so, it's on a rare occasion). She tells us to read (and, in her defense, we are an AP class, so we honestly should be reading, but it's just never been at the top of my priority list) and expects us to know ALL THE THINGS in the chapter by next class. And then she gets mad at us. And then we just discuss the chapter (well, mostly it's her talking) for the next two hours, and I try my hardest not to go stir crazy. And then there are the people who always do amazing work and the people who took regular psychology last year or earlier this year so they already have a leg up on those of us as far as some of the concepts go. I'm sorry...it's just not working for me.
Maybe it's because I've never felt compelled to care about the class. Don't get my wrong, it's not the subject; I actually find psychology quite interesting, and our text book is really informative (the author is actually really funny and adds his own personal opinions and wisecracks every once in a while just to keep you on your toes). I'm not a bad student. I do well in all of my other AP classes, and have all year. But that's because I care about doing well in them. I don't really care about this class. I don't feel like I have a reason to.
Now, that doesn't mean that I'm totally going to slack off for the rest of the year. We have one more project to do, and I intend to put full effort into and do well on it and, hopefully, bring my grade up to a B before graduation.
Sad thing is, she's a really nice person. Her teaching style's a bit wonky, though.
Whew. That rant felt nice. I haven't ranted in a while. I think I needed to.
Still sick, but the crap is slowly but surely moving out of my head. Currently, it's residing behind my nose, so I sound like I'm sick (that annoying nasally sound).
Days 'til graduation: 15
It's my psychology class.
It's not the people in the class, and it's not the subject matter...it's just how the class is conducted. I don't like it. It makes me anxious. Probably doesn't help that there aren't any windows in the room, either.
See, it's my teacher's first year teaching the AP level psychology class, but she usually teaches the regular psychology, so it shouldn't really be that different....Yet I find myself struggling in that class all the time. I'm pretty sure that I'll make it it out of that class with barely a C. Fantastic. But, seriously...my teacher never assigns homework, and so when she randomly springs it on us, it's highly unlikely that it'll get done by anyone (not just me). Like today, for example, we had to write a paragraph about cultural influences in social psychology. Eight people of the 27 of us turned it in. Eight. On top of that, though, we also had a psychological disorder project due today, which everybody else was focused on. Which everybody turned in. Look at the logic in that.
I don't like my teacher's style of teaching. She does nothing to help us reinforce what we've learned (if so, it's on a rare occasion). She tells us to read (and, in her defense, we are an AP class, so we honestly should be reading, but it's just never been at the top of my priority list) and expects us to know ALL THE THINGS in the chapter by next class. And then she gets mad at us. And then we just discuss the chapter (well, mostly it's her talking) for the next two hours, and I try my hardest not to go stir crazy. And then there are the people who always do amazing work and the people who took regular psychology last year or earlier this year so they already have a leg up on those of us as far as some of the concepts go. I'm sorry...it's just not working for me.
Maybe it's because I've never felt compelled to care about the class. Don't get my wrong, it's not the subject; I actually find psychology quite interesting, and our text book is really informative (the author is actually really funny and adds his own personal opinions and wisecracks every once in a while just to keep you on your toes). I'm not a bad student. I do well in all of my other AP classes, and have all year. But that's because I care about doing well in them. I don't really care about this class. I don't feel like I have a reason to.
Now, that doesn't mean that I'm totally going to slack off for the rest of the year. We have one more project to do, and I intend to put full effort into and do well on it and, hopefully, bring my grade up to a B before graduation.
Sad thing is, she's a really nice person. Her teaching style's a bit wonky, though.
Whew. That rant felt nice. I haven't ranted in a while. I think I needed to.
Still sick, but the crap is slowly but surely moving out of my head. Currently, it's residing behind my nose, so I sound like I'm sick (that annoying nasally sound).
Days 'til graduation: 15
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Done: BEDSY Day 157 (Tue. May 15th, 2012)
I'M DONE WITH AP TESTS FOREVER!!!!!!!!
FINALLY!!!!! Now, it's on to the debates...teehee...
Got one more project in AP psych, two more projects in AP Calc, a handful of tests in Chemistry (this is the one class where I'm going to have my final, literally, on my last day of school), and a few chapters of my last English novel left. Guys, I'm almost done.
And my last shot at marching band is this weekend. *sniff*
For now, though...Imma go sleep.
Days 'til graduation: 16
FINALLY!!!!! Now, it's on to the debates...teehee...
Got one more project in AP psych, two more projects in AP Calc, a handful of tests in Chemistry (this is the one class where I'm going to have my final, literally, on my last day of school), and a few chapters of my last English novel left. Guys, I'm almost done.
And my last shot at marching band is this weekend. *sniff*
For now, though...Imma go sleep.
Days 'til graduation: 16
Monday, May 14, 2012
One to Go...:BEDSY Day 156 (Mon. May 14th, 2012)
I'm posting early tonight. I'm also supposed to go to bed early.
'CAUSE MY LAST AP TEST EVER IS TOMORROW MORNING!!!!! YEAHH!!!!
...
Sorry, got a bit excited for a moment...
But, seriously...my last AP test...ever. And it's the one I'm most prepared for. Heck yes! And it's bound to be the easiest. *fist pumps the air*.
I'm really excited about this, if you can't tell. Mostly because, after tomorrow, all of my classes are about to get super easy. In my government class, all we're doing between Wednesday and the end of the year (June 7th) is debating. Every single class. And I have two easy projects in math. My psychology teacher is the only one actually making us work after the AP test. Curses...Other than that, I pretty much have English (which I'll be done with in about two weeks) and Chemistry (this is the only one I actually have to be concerned about...if I do well on the rest of my tests, I might actually pull off an A in the class).
Anyway, I've been studying for the past few hours, and I'm about to head off to bed (I'm aiming for 10:15). I have to get up SUPER early tomorrow in order to get to school on time. My gov teacher is also being awesome and bringing all the kids taking the test (and there are 100 of us...I'm not joking) breakfast. She's fantastic.
Days 'til graduation: 17
'CAUSE MY LAST AP TEST EVER IS TOMORROW MORNING!!!!! YEAHH!!!!
...
Sorry, got a bit excited for a moment...
But, seriously...my last AP test...ever. And it's the one I'm most prepared for. Heck yes! And it's bound to be the easiest. *fist pumps the air*.
I'm really excited about this, if you can't tell. Mostly because, after tomorrow, all of my classes are about to get super easy. In my government class, all we're doing between Wednesday and the end of the year (June 7th) is debating. Every single class. And I have two easy projects in math. My psychology teacher is the only one actually making us work after the AP test. Curses...Other than that, I pretty much have English (which I'll be done with in about two weeks) and Chemistry (this is the only one I actually have to be concerned about...if I do well on the rest of my tests, I might actually pull off an A in the class).
Anyway, I've been studying for the past few hours, and I'm about to head off to bed (I'm aiming for 10:15). I have to get up SUPER early tomorrow in order to get to school on time. My gov teacher is also being awesome and bringing all the kids taking the test (and there are 100 of us...I'm not joking) breakfast. She's fantastic.
Days 'til graduation: 17
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Check-Ups and Catch Ups (a lot of BEDSY days...Sun. May 13th, 2012)
It's me again. The flake.
So...here's the deal...I've been to two doctors in the past two weeks, one for my physical status, one for my mental status, and here's what they found out:
1). I have a type of benign vertigo that's caused by seasonal allergies (to test this, the doctor did all these tests to check my dizziness--which I didn't feel--only to tell me at the end that I did not, in fact, have a brain tumor. Well that's good). Basically, my sinuses get so irritated by whatever's in the air that fluid gets trapped behind my eardrums and makes my balance all wonky. So I have to take antihistamines and decongestants in order to unclog my ears. Apparently it's kind of a common thing. And it runs in my family. Thanks, mom...
2). I am a worrier. But there's no reason why I shouldn't be worrying, with all the stuff that's going on in my life right now. And I need more fun in my life. When my doctor asked me what I do for fun, I couldn't really answer her. It was kind of sad. But it's hard, you know, when your mom works all the time and you don't get out of school until 3:30 every day. And that doesn't even guarantee that you get to go home, though.
So, that's where I've been, stressing to the point of going crazy (or thinking I'm going crazy), being sick (in the body and in the mind...though slightly still in the body...). I don't know where I am as far as what day of BEDSY it is tomorrow (I'll figure it out before I post tomorrow).
Also, I had two AP tests last week that I had to study for. Those are kind of time suckers as well. I have one last AP test on Tuesday, then I'm pretty much done in those classes for the rest of the year. YAY!!
In the mean time, I'm going to try and keep my anxieties in check while finishing up my last month of high school. I promise I'll be better.
Days 'til graduation: 18
P.S. Happy Mother's Day to my wonderful mama and all the other moms of the world : )
So...here's the deal...I've been to two doctors in the past two weeks, one for my physical status, one for my mental status, and here's what they found out:
1). I have a type of benign vertigo that's caused by seasonal allergies (to test this, the doctor did all these tests to check my dizziness--which I didn't feel--only to tell me at the end that I did not, in fact, have a brain tumor. Well that's good). Basically, my sinuses get so irritated by whatever's in the air that fluid gets trapped behind my eardrums and makes my balance all wonky. So I have to take antihistamines and decongestants in order to unclog my ears. Apparently it's kind of a common thing. And it runs in my family. Thanks, mom...
2). I am a worrier. But there's no reason why I shouldn't be worrying, with all the stuff that's going on in my life right now. And I need more fun in my life. When my doctor asked me what I do for fun, I couldn't really answer her. It was kind of sad. But it's hard, you know, when your mom works all the time and you don't get out of school until 3:30 every day. And that doesn't even guarantee that you get to go home, though.
So, that's where I've been, stressing to the point of going crazy (or thinking I'm going crazy), being sick (in the body and in the mind...though slightly still in the body...). I don't know where I am as far as what day of BEDSY it is tomorrow (I'll figure it out before I post tomorrow).
Also, I had two AP tests last week that I had to study for. Those are kind of time suckers as well. I have one last AP test on Tuesday, then I'm pretty much done in those classes for the rest of the year. YAY!!
In the mean time, I'm going to try and keep my anxieties in check while finishing up my last month of high school. I promise I'll be better.
Days 'til graduation: 18
P.S. Happy Mother's Day to my wonderful mama and all the other moms of the world : )
Sunday, April 29, 2012
BEDSY Day 146 Plus the Weekend (Sun. Apr. 29th, 2012)
It's been a busy weekend. Had an AP calculus practice test yesterday morning at eight. Then I had a birthday party to go to at seven. Then I went to Seattle this morning with a friend to have some much-needed girl time. (Thanks, Allison.)
I've been thinking...Lately, I feel like I've given you rather...sterilized entries, like I'm trying to edit out things that happened in my day just so you guys don't have to listen to me bitch or whine or whatever. And I feel that this blog, this project, has suffered a little because of it. I know I've given you guys the scoop on some things...But it sure as hell hasn't been everything. Maybe the reason you don't see a lot form me sometimes is that I'm afraid of what people who read this will think of me. But I shouldn't care, truthfully. That's what writing is about, isn't it? You shouldn't care about what people think of what you write. Just as long as you're happy about it. And, right now, I'm not exactly happy (about a lot of things, actually, but this blog shouldn't be one of them). In addition to keeping track of my day-to-day antics of my last year of high school, this blog was meant to be a place where I can vent without any sort of retort from anybody. And I still feel like I've been keeping things from it, like the blog itself will judge me. I need to stop thinking about people judging me and just write whatever the hell I want to.
I've been thinking...Lately, I feel like I've given you rather...sterilized entries, like I'm trying to edit out things that happened in my day just so you guys don't have to listen to me bitch or whine or whatever. And I feel that this blog, this project, has suffered a little because of it. I know I've given you guys the scoop on some things...But it sure as hell hasn't been everything. Maybe the reason you don't see a lot form me sometimes is that I'm afraid of what people who read this will think of me. But I shouldn't care, truthfully. That's what writing is about, isn't it? You shouldn't care about what people think of what you write. Just as long as you're happy about it. And, right now, I'm not exactly happy (about a lot of things, actually, but this blog shouldn't be one of them). In addition to keeping track of my day-to-day antics of my last year of high school, this blog was meant to be a place where I can vent without any sort of retort from anybody. And I still feel like I've been keeping things from it, like the blog itself will judge me. I need to stop thinking about people judging me and just write whatever the hell I want to.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
BEDSY Day 145 (Thurs. Apr. 26th, 2012)
Been a busy night. Had a concert earlier with some of the 5th grade band students of the district. It's kind of cool for their parents to see the progression from ten years old, just staring out on an instrument...up to the top performing group at the high school level. I remember being in their seats, seven years ago, watching the wind ensemble perform, simply amazed by their musicianship, aspiring to, someday, sit where they sat. And now I am. I hope that they, some day in the future, get that same feeling as us.
It's finally Thursday. And tomorrow is Friday. I only have six more Fridays, and I believe just as many Mondays as well. Time flies, kids...
Gotta go finish up a take-home calculus test that's due tomorrow morning.
Days 'til graduation: 29
It's finally Thursday. And tomorrow is Friday. I only have six more Fridays, and I believe just as many Mondays as well. Time flies, kids...
Gotta go finish up a take-home calculus test that's due tomorrow morning.
Days 'til graduation: 29
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
I Can See Clearly Now...:BEDSY Days 143/144
...the rain is gone. (Not really. Actually, it rained really hard today.)
But I did get my new glasses today! I can see so much better with them! Yay!! I'm only supposed to wear them "as needed", but I think i might just wear these all the time, out of convenience. It can't hurt me, right? Blasted astigmatism.
Umm...Got a few things of homework left to do tonight. SO I should probably go and do those. 'Night.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Sun-kissed and Hungry: BEDSY Day 142 (Mon. Apr. 23rd, 2012)
I have FIVE MORE MONDAYS LEFT!!! YESSS!!! And only two weeks left of AP classes. Yesssss!!
Today was awesome because: I got a free copy of The Hunger Games because it is World Book Day. heck yes!! (Now I actually have the entire trilogy.) People were giving away free copies of it outside Starbucks today. I initially didn't think I was going to go to Starbucks after school today, because I didn't think I had any money for coffee (and I didn't). But I'm still glad I went. I would not have gotten that free book if I hadn't.
Plus, it was the first truly nice day in a long time today. Like, it was 70 degrees and sunny. I think I even got a sun burn...
Days 'til graduation: 32
Today was awesome because: I got a free copy of The Hunger Games because it is World Book Day. heck yes!! (Now I actually have the entire trilogy.) People were giving away free copies of it outside Starbucks today. I initially didn't think I was going to go to Starbucks after school today, because I didn't think I had any money for coffee (and I didn't). But I'm still glad I went. I would not have gotten that free book if I hadn't.
Plus, it was the first truly nice day in a long time today. Like, it was 70 degrees and sunny. I think I even got a sun burn...
Days 'til graduation: 32
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Thoughts from Places: Honlulu/Waikiki, Hawai'i (Sunday Dec. 4th, 2011-Friday Dec. 9th, 2011)
...in which a spontaneous venture onto the YouTubes to search for a particular song left this blogger in tears from remembering the awesomeness that was this entire trip. Yeah.
I had to do this in chunks. I couldn't handle doing all of this in one night.
I know these are usually done in video form, but just go with it. (And, yes, I know this is almost four months late, but just bear with me...)
Without further ado, here it is: the missing week.
By the end of the trip, I had seen both sides of 2 a.m., each leaving me utterly exhausted and with an overwhelming want to crawl right back into bed.
We had to meet at school at 3 in the morning on Sunday. It was dark, obviously, when I made the all-too familiar trek from one of the back parking lots to the door of the band room. Unlike the outside, inside was lively, bright, and buzzing, packed to the brim with kids, parents, and luggage. So much luggage...
More or less, we arrived in Hawai'i several hours later. I have to say that we all tweaked out a little bit when we walked off the plane and it was freakishly warm outside. I mean, if you came from a place that was less than 40 degrees Fahrenheit and walked into a place that was almost twice that, you wouldn't believe it was December, either. It could have been the middle of August for us. We received the traditional welcome lei and met our amazingly spectacular tour guide, Jermaine (aside from the chaperones, the trip would not have gone nearly as smoothly if it weren't for him...also probably one of the nicest people I've ever met).
That afternoon, we had practice in a park a few blocks away from the hotel, playing through everything that we would be playing at the Arizona memorial the next day.
There was one particular song, though, that was giving us a bit of trouble. We played through it a couple of times, and it sounded pretty good. But we were missing something.
"Emotion," our director said. He explained the significance of this song, this event. At random, he asked the band if anybody had some sort of connection to the military. Ninety percent of the kids in my band had a parent/relative/sibling/friend serving in the armed forces.
"Play for them," he said. "This song is for them, and for those who are no longer around to hear it. We're here to recognize them."
We rose early the next morning, had breakfast (the restaurant where we had breakfast every morning was amazing...they quite literally served everything for breakfast...we weren't there enough days to be able to try everything) and headed off to the Arizona memorial park.
You get to the park, and you realize that something's different. Something in the air...even though it's 80 degrees and sunny, there's something dark and sinister behind all of the memorabilia being sold in the shops nearby. It happened on a day just like the one right now: sunny, quiet, a perfect day in paradise. Who would've though there would be an attack on a small base in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
But there was, despite the claims that there were warnings about an attack, yet they were disregarded. Men were sent off shore the night before, thought many decided to return in order to be able to rise early for their duties the next morning.
And, well, you know the rest.
Contrary to what I wrote earlier, we didn't actually perform on the memorial per se, but we set up on one of the lawns facing the memorial inside the park.
It was early in the morning, a little before nine 'clock, so there weren't a lot of people there just yet. But there were still people there, it being, like, two days before the big anniversary.
I knew this was going to be different from the Rose Parade in how important these performances were, what they meant to me and the people around me. Rose Parade was for ourselves, for the people here and now. This was for the people who weren't there, who were unable to say good-bye to their shipmates except at funerals and memorials, who were there only in spirit, who still lay in the depths of the bay, preserved in their twenty-year-old selves, when their shipmates are well into their nineties.
We played a selection of songs at the memorial, including our parade rotation ("Americans We" and Elvis's "Burnin' Love/C.C. Rider Medley"), an Armed Forces salute, the Washington Post march, and "America the Beautiful".
Let me talk at you about that last one.
Remember that pep talk Grams gave us earlier? It worked out just fine.
I was in tears by the end of this song. Very few people weren't.
Some sort of divine intervention made that song what it was that day, and it's something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. Even though we couldn't see it, people told us after we performed that, at the key change in the song, when it starts to get really heavy, a rainbow appeared, stretching between us and the Arizona Memorial.
I've mentioned before on this blog that I lost my grandpa two years ago. He was a military man in his early years, joining the navy in order to get money from G.I. Bill so he could go to college, where he studied engineering and went on to work for the Federal Aviation Administration. But, once a military man, always a military man. My uncle, his son, also went on to serve his country for 26 years.
I owe a lot of who I am to my grandfather (not just because without him, my mom and, therefore I, wouldn't exist). He's the single person I can attribute my involvement in music to. When I was little, when we would go on car rides, he would play Vince Giuraldi tapes (he did the composing for the Charlie Brown cartoons on TV). "Linus and Lucy" was the song that inspired me to start playing music. Anyway, I would not have been standing there in Hawaii if it weren't for him.
And he didn't even know I was there. He didn't know I was going, what I was doing. But, in some ways, I think he did know, and he was there. And we made him proud.
Later that afternoon, we actually went onto the memorial. For how big our band was, we actually took up most of the boat going over to Ford Island (where all the ships were docked). So we basically had the memorial to ourselves.
There's nothing extravagant about it; it's not particularly ornamental or decorated. It's set up like a mausoleum. There are three chambers (though I refrain from saying those exact words because it's very open): an entrance that holds all the flags of the branches of the armed forces, the United States flag, the Hawaii state flag, as well as the state flags of the ships that were docked in Honolulu on the day of the attack. Then you enter a room that's completely open on the sides and on the ceiling. You can look out into the bay, and you can see the rusted gun turrets of the USS Arizona. If you look close enough, you can still see tiny droplets of oil surfacing (the legend is that when the last survivor of the Arizona dies and is laid to rest with his shipmates, the oil leak will stop). The last room of the memorial is the most haunting. It holds the most weight. I was taken aback by it. Spanning an entire wall (around 20 ft by 20 ft) were all the names of those who were trapped 20, 30, 40 ft below our feet. Over one thousand of them, never to see the sweet light of day ever again.
It's something we all take for granted sometimes, being able to wake up to a new morning and being able to do something in this world...and actually having a say in whether or not we get to do this. These men, some only a few years older than me, some who lied about their age so they could run off to serve their country, didn't get the chance to decide.
Did I mention it was absolutely silent the entire time we were at the memorial? You take a bunch of high schools kids to a historically significant site, one we'd all read about in our history books (those of us who actually did our reading that is) and you don't exactly expect them to be moved by it, to appreciate it, to be respectful of it. But when the 130+ kids stepped off that boat and onto the memorial, it was dead silent for the entire time we where there, except for the occasional whisper--someone pointing out the oil droplets in the water or pointing out a family name on the list of fatalities. I respect these kids so much, you have no idea.
Especially after, when I went back to memorial a few days later with just my mom, the people who went to the memorial with us were the polar opposite; they were talking about irrelevant things, being loud...all things that suggested they had everything but respect for the memorial, which made me very angry. But it also made me appreciate my band so much more.
Did I mention how much I love these kids?
So, sure, we did all the tourist-y things that I said we would (drove around to different beaches, the Banzai Pipeline, the Dole Pineapple Plantation, go to the Polynesians Cultural Center, one of the Macadamia Nut farms on the island).
Then we also had the parade on December 7th. What made it all the more interesting was that it was at night, something that few us us have actually experienced more (side note: I think there should be more night-time parades. Most parades we encounter are mid-morning. Society, let's change things up a bit. More parades in the p.m.!) That was another experience I will remember for the rest of my life. I marched the Rose Parade my sophomore year, and I will admit that I spent pretty much the entire parade trying not to die, to just make sure that I survived the parade. This one...I got to enjoy it a lot more. The energy form the crowd was amazing, marching down the fairy light-lit streets along the water, marching with survivors of the attack. We got to the end of the parade, and we couldn't feel more proud of ourselves. We gave everything we had, despite being sunburned and tired (one guy messed up his foot on the beach earlier that day, yet he still marched). After, we got to just relax and eat dinner in one of the parks and listen to the Marine Band perform and enjoy each other's company.
Then there's the maid story...in which my three roommates and I (and by that, I mean just me) made desperate attempts to keep the non-English-fluent maid out of our room (to almost no avail) because three of the four of us were in nothing but shorts and bras due to the immense heat and humidity. I guess she's walked in on worse things.
Have I also mentioned how many beautiful men there were in Hawaii? So gorgeous...and sooooo many...*drools*
We were stationed in the city for most of the trip. But I would hardly call Honolulu a city. There aren't any large skyscrapers. There's some mild traffic as you go farther away, but other than that...it's peaceful. I enjoyed getting to walk around the city (in sandals, no doubt) and watch the people...in swimsuits, just coming off the beach, in shorts and tank tops...just enjoying life. I think we could all learn a few lessons form the locals. I would definitely go back there. It'll be a little more relaxing, I'm sure.
It's the middle of April, and I'm finally finishing this up. I really did want to be able to properly document this, to say the things I wanted to say in the way I wanted to say them. As my year is drawing to a close, emotions are beginning to kick in, and I'm beginning to be able to come to term with...things. My time with this band is almost over. I'm truly thankful for the experiences I've been blessed with because of this program. I've learned so many lessons about the people around me...and myself.
I had to do this in chunks. I couldn't handle doing all of this in one night.
I know these are usually done in video form, but just go with it. (And, yes, I know this is almost four months late, but just bear with me...)
Without further ado, here it is: the missing week.
By the end of the trip, I had seen both sides of 2 a.m., each leaving me utterly exhausted and with an overwhelming want to crawl right back into bed.
We had to meet at school at 3 in the morning on Sunday. It was dark, obviously, when I made the all-too familiar trek from one of the back parking lots to the door of the band room. Unlike the outside, inside was lively, bright, and buzzing, packed to the brim with kids, parents, and luggage. So much luggage...
More or less, we arrived in Hawai'i several hours later. I have to say that we all tweaked out a little bit when we walked off the plane and it was freakishly warm outside. I mean, if you came from a place that was less than 40 degrees Fahrenheit and walked into a place that was almost twice that, you wouldn't believe it was December, either. It could have been the middle of August for us. We received the traditional welcome lei and met our amazingly spectacular tour guide, Jermaine (aside from the chaperones, the trip would not have gone nearly as smoothly if it weren't for him...also probably one of the nicest people I've ever met).
That afternoon, we had practice in a park a few blocks away from the hotel, playing through everything that we would be playing at the Arizona memorial the next day.
There was one particular song, though, that was giving us a bit of trouble. We played through it a couple of times, and it sounded pretty good. But we were missing something.
"Emotion," our director said. He explained the significance of this song, this event. At random, he asked the band if anybody had some sort of connection to the military. Ninety percent of the kids in my band had a parent/relative/sibling/friend serving in the armed forces.
"Play for them," he said. "This song is for them, and for those who are no longer around to hear it. We're here to recognize them."
We rose early the next morning, had breakfast (the restaurant where we had breakfast every morning was amazing...they quite literally served everything for breakfast...we weren't there enough days to be able to try everything) and headed off to the Arizona memorial park.
You get to the park, and you realize that something's different. Something in the air...even though it's 80 degrees and sunny, there's something dark and sinister behind all of the memorabilia being sold in the shops nearby. It happened on a day just like the one right now: sunny, quiet, a perfect day in paradise. Who would've though there would be an attack on a small base in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
But there was, despite the claims that there were warnings about an attack, yet they were disregarded. Men were sent off shore the night before, thought many decided to return in order to be able to rise early for their duties the next morning.
And, well, you know the rest.
Contrary to what I wrote earlier, we didn't actually perform on the memorial per se, but we set up on one of the lawns facing the memorial inside the park.
It was early in the morning, a little before nine 'clock, so there weren't a lot of people there just yet. But there were still people there, it being, like, two days before the big anniversary.
I knew this was going to be different from the Rose Parade in how important these performances were, what they meant to me and the people around me. Rose Parade was for ourselves, for the people here and now. This was for the people who weren't there, who were unable to say good-bye to their shipmates except at funerals and memorials, who were there only in spirit, who still lay in the depths of the bay, preserved in their twenty-year-old selves, when their shipmates are well into their nineties.
We played a selection of songs at the memorial, including our parade rotation ("Americans We" and Elvis's "Burnin' Love/C.C. Rider Medley"), an Armed Forces salute, the Washington Post march, and "America the Beautiful".
Let me talk at you about that last one.
Remember that pep talk Grams gave us earlier? It worked out just fine.
I was in tears by the end of this song. Very few people weren't.
Some sort of divine intervention made that song what it was that day, and it's something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. Even though we couldn't see it, people told us after we performed that, at the key change in the song, when it starts to get really heavy, a rainbow appeared, stretching between us and the Arizona Memorial.
I've mentioned before on this blog that I lost my grandpa two years ago. He was a military man in his early years, joining the navy in order to get money from G.I. Bill so he could go to college, where he studied engineering and went on to work for the Federal Aviation Administration. But, once a military man, always a military man. My uncle, his son, also went on to serve his country for 26 years.
I owe a lot of who I am to my grandfather (not just because without him, my mom and, therefore I, wouldn't exist). He's the single person I can attribute my involvement in music to. When I was little, when we would go on car rides, he would play Vince Giuraldi tapes (he did the composing for the Charlie Brown cartoons on TV). "Linus and Lucy" was the song that inspired me to start playing music. Anyway, I would not have been standing there in Hawaii if it weren't for him.
And he didn't even know I was there. He didn't know I was going, what I was doing. But, in some ways, I think he did know, and he was there. And we made him proud.
Later that afternoon, we actually went onto the memorial. For how big our band was, we actually took up most of the boat going over to Ford Island (where all the ships were docked). So we basically had the memorial to ourselves.
There's nothing extravagant about it; it's not particularly ornamental or decorated. It's set up like a mausoleum. There are three chambers (though I refrain from saying those exact words because it's very open): an entrance that holds all the flags of the branches of the armed forces, the United States flag, the Hawaii state flag, as well as the state flags of the ships that were docked in Honolulu on the day of the attack. Then you enter a room that's completely open on the sides and on the ceiling. You can look out into the bay, and you can see the rusted gun turrets of the USS Arizona. If you look close enough, you can still see tiny droplets of oil surfacing (the legend is that when the last survivor of the Arizona dies and is laid to rest with his shipmates, the oil leak will stop). The last room of the memorial is the most haunting. It holds the most weight. I was taken aback by it. Spanning an entire wall (around 20 ft by 20 ft) were all the names of those who were trapped 20, 30, 40 ft below our feet. Over one thousand of them, never to see the sweet light of day ever again.
It's something we all take for granted sometimes, being able to wake up to a new morning and being able to do something in this world...and actually having a say in whether or not we get to do this. These men, some only a few years older than me, some who lied about their age so they could run off to serve their country, didn't get the chance to decide.
Did I mention it was absolutely silent the entire time we were at the memorial? You take a bunch of high schools kids to a historically significant site, one we'd all read about in our history books (those of us who actually did our reading that is) and you don't exactly expect them to be moved by it, to appreciate it, to be respectful of it. But when the 130+ kids stepped off that boat and onto the memorial, it was dead silent for the entire time we where there, except for the occasional whisper--someone pointing out the oil droplets in the water or pointing out a family name on the list of fatalities. I respect these kids so much, you have no idea.
Especially after, when I went back to memorial a few days later with just my mom, the people who went to the memorial with us were the polar opposite; they were talking about irrelevant things, being loud...all things that suggested they had everything but respect for the memorial, which made me very angry. But it also made me appreciate my band so much more.
Did I mention how much I love these kids?
So, sure, we did all the tourist-y things that I said we would (drove around to different beaches, the Banzai Pipeline, the Dole Pineapple Plantation, go to the Polynesians Cultural Center, one of the Macadamia Nut farms on the island).
Then we also had the parade on December 7th. What made it all the more interesting was that it was at night, something that few us us have actually experienced more (side note: I think there should be more night-time parades. Most parades we encounter are mid-morning. Society, let's change things up a bit. More parades in the p.m.!) That was another experience I will remember for the rest of my life. I marched the Rose Parade my sophomore year, and I will admit that I spent pretty much the entire parade trying not to die, to just make sure that I survived the parade. This one...I got to enjoy it a lot more. The energy form the crowd was amazing, marching down the fairy light-lit streets along the water, marching with survivors of the attack. We got to the end of the parade, and we couldn't feel more proud of ourselves. We gave everything we had, despite being sunburned and tired (one guy messed up his foot on the beach earlier that day, yet he still marched). After, we got to just relax and eat dinner in one of the parks and listen to the Marine Band perform and enjoy each other's company.
Then there's the maid story...in which my three roommates and I (and by that, I mean just me) made desperate attempts to keep the non-English-fluent maid out of our room (to almost no avail) because three of the four of us were in nothing but shorts and bras due to the immense heat and humidity. I guess she's walked in on worse things.
Have I also mentioned how many beautiful men there were in Hawaii? So gorgeous...and sooooo many...*drools*
We were stationed in the city for most of the trip. But I would hardly call Honolulu a city. There aren't any large skyscrapers. There's some mild traffic as you go farther away, but other than that...it's peaceful. I enjoyed getting to walk around the city (in sandals, no doubt) and watch the people...in swimsuits, just coming off the beach, in shorts and tank tops...just enjoying life. I think we could all learn a few lessons form the locals. I would definitely go back there. It'll be a little more relaxing, I'm sure.
It's the middle of April, and I'm finally finishing this up. I really did want to be able to properly document this, to say the things I wanted to say in the way I wanted to say them. As my year is drawing to a close, emotions are beginning to kick in, and I'm beginning to be able to come to term with...things. My time with this band is almost over. I'm truly thankful for the experiences I've been blessed with because of this program. I've learned so many lessons about the people around me...and myself.
In the Mood: BEDSY Day 141, plus the weekend (Sun. Apr. 22nd, 2012)
Welp. Site got a new look. Not sure if I like I or not. I certainly don't hate it. I'm sure it'll grow on me.
Last night, we had our annual Big Band Dance fundraiser, which went off splendidly. Music was really good. We raise a lot of money. More than usual, it seems. More than last year, definitely. Overall, it was a really fun night. Usually, I'm really bored or tired by the time we get halfway through the night. Last night, however, it was almost nine o'clock, and I got really sad that the night was almost over (it ended at ten). And it wasn't a nostalgic kind of sad that I attribute to finishing up my last BBD...I was just having so much fun being there with my fellow musicians, playing, dancing, watching our assistant director auctioning off items...watching our three drummers engage in a ten-minute drum battle during our rendition of "Sing, Sing, Sing".
Then I remembered that I had to spend an hour afterwards helping clean up. Least favorite part of the night, for sure. Then I came home and collapsed at...12:30.
I have next weekend off from band, but I am filling my time with fun and exciting things!
Days 'til graduation: 33
Last night, we had our annual Big Band Dance fundraiser, which went off splendidly. Music was really good. We raise a lot of money. More than usual, it seems. More than last year, definitely. Overall, it was a really fun night. Usually, I'm really bored or tired by the time we get halfway through the night. Last night, however, it was almost nine o'clock, and I got really sad that the night was almost over (it ended at ten). And it wasn't a nostalgic kind of sad that I attribute to finishing up my last BBD...I was just having so much fun being there with my fellow musicians, playing, dancing, watching our assistant director auctioning off items...watching our three drummers engage in a ten-minute drum battle during our rendition of "Sing, Sing, Sing".
Then I remembered that I had to spend an hour afterwards helping clean up. Least favorite part of the night, for sure. Then I came home and collapsed at...12:30.
I have next weekend off from band, but I am filling my time with fun and exciting things!
Days 'til graduation: 33
Thursday, April 19, 2012
The Big Band Era: BEDSY Day 140 (Thur. Apr. 19th, 2012)
I'm watching The Big Bang Theory. I'm convinced Kuuthrapali is gay.
On another note...It's been a really long week. I've been mostly preparing for Saturday. Saturday is our big fundraiser for band, our Big Band Dance. The jazz bands play for a few hours and we have a silent auction to raise money for trips and other things (instrument repairs, etc.). We play for a few hours, but we have to set up in our school's commons, and that usually takes a few hours. Basically, it's a really long day. I'm excited about getting to play with the jazz groups, though. We get to play old 30's/40's jazz music from Glenn Miller and people like that. (If you don't know who Glenn Miller is, then shame on you...also go look up "In the Mood"...probably one of the most noticeable jazz tunes out there). But it's also my last BBD. I've done three of these already in the past few years. After that, only one more jazz concert and our parades and our final, three-hour concert at the end of May (seriously. It's a marathon). And, then...it's all over. In some ways, the end can't come soon enough, but in other ways...I wish it wouldn't.
Days 'til graduation: 35
On another note...It's been a really long week. I've been mostly preparing for Saturday. Saturday is our big fundraiser for band, our Big Band Dance. The jazz bands play for a few hours and we have a silent auction to raise money for trips and other things (instrument repairs, etc.). We play for a few hours, but we have to set up in our school's commons, and that usually takes a few hours. Basically, it's a really long day. I'm excited about getting to play with the jazz groups, though. We get to play old 30's/40's jazz music from Glenn Miller and people like that. (If you don't know who Glenn Miller is, then shame on you...also go look up "In the Mood"...probably one of the most noticeable jazz tunes out there). But it's also my last BBD. I've done three of these already in the past few years. After that, only one more jazz concert and our parades and our final, three-hour concert at the end of May (seriously. It's a marathon). And, then...it's all over. In some ways, the end can't come soon enough, but in other ways...I wish it wouldn't.
Days 'til graduation: 35
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Short entry for a Long Week: BEDSY Day 139 (Wed. Apr. 18th, 2012)
Gah. This week is going by SO SLOWLY. It should be Thursday. But it's only Wednesday. Poop.
Days 'til graduation: 36
Days 'til graduation: 36
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
BEDSY Day 138 (Tues. Apr. 17th, 2012)
I have two big tests tomorrow. One in government and one in psychology. Anything and everything government from here until the AP test is AP-style, so...at least I know what's coming. Psychology is just a normal test and essay, like always. Having a one-man study party here.
Guess I'll work on some calculus as well, since I still have a few things to do for that class as well. Especially since mid-terms are due by Friday morning. Well...there it is.
Last "mid-terms". Until college, that is. There, it's a much bigger deal. They try to make it a big deal at my school, but we all know it's not.
Days 'til graduation: 37
Guess I'll work on some calculus as well, since I still have a few things to do for that class as well. Especially since mid-terms are due by Friday morning. Well...there it is.
Last "mid-terms". Until college, that is. There, it's a much bigger deal. They try to make it a big deal at my school, but we all know it's not.
Days 'til graduation: 37
Monday, April 16, 2012
Do the Math: BEDSY Day 137 (Mon. Apr. 16th, 2012)
So. Much. Calculus. I've done, like, five assignments tonight because I fell so behind this past week. But it feels nice, getting everything out of the way finally. My brain may just explode, though, from all the differentiating and integrating and all that jazz...
I'm exhausted, though (I know I say that a lot). I think that's what's causing a lot of my anxiety lately. My sleep schedule has been so sporadic the past few weeks. It's not good for my brain. It's causing me to think crazy thoughts. I get very little sleep during the week, then I sleep for ten, eleven hours on the weekends. No bueno. I guess that could be my goal for the week, to get my sleep schedule back on track.
Another thing...went to the eye doctor today. Turns out I need glasses, though it's not exactly something that came as a shock to me. Both of my parents wear glasses to some extent; my dad wears reading glasses and my mom wears them for long distance because she has astigmatism (which is what I also have). Get my glasses in some time next week.
Days 'til graduation: 38
I'm exhausted, though (I know I say that a lot). I think that's what's causing a lot of my anxiety lately. My sleep schedule has been so sporadic the past few weeks. It's not good for my brain. It's causing me to think crazy thoughts. I get very little sleep during the week, then I sleep for ten, eleven hours on the weekends. No bueno. I guess that could be my goal for the week, to get my sleep schedule back on track.
Another thing...went to the eye doctor today. Turns out I need glasses, though it's not exactly something that came as a shock to me. Both of my parents wear glasses to some extent; my dad wears reading glasses and my mom wears them for long distance because she has astigmatism (which is what I also have). Get my glasses in some time next week.
Days 'til graduation: 38
Sunday, April 15, 2012
BEDSY Day 136, Plus the weekend (Sun. Apr. 15th, 2012)
Guys, I feel really depressed today. Like, it's sunny out, and usually, I like to go for walks around my neighborhood and whatnot on days like this...but here I am, in my basement, dressed in an old t-shirt and basketball shorts, feeling unmotivated and...sad. I don't feel anxious or anything (yet) but I just don't feel happy or peppy or anything. I kind of just want to sleep. And not in a tired kind of way.
I see all my friends going out and having fun and stuff and I just feel...useless (and kind of left out) and alone. Maybe it's my own damn fault that I don't tell people things, that I keep things quiet. Maybe it's the freaking mask I wear every day to fake people out. But I never feel like I can tell people things. I'm afraid I'll just get shot down and my problems will be undermined by their own problems. (I find this happens quite a lot, actually). I never feel like I have someone to talk to (that isn't my mom). I don't like people thinking I'm selfish...
I feel trapped. Like there's no way for me to escape this funk.
Again, I don't know if this is a bi-product of my being a senior, but...it sucks. I don't like it. But I don't really feel like fighting it right now. Am I allowed some time to wallow in self pity? Or is that too much self-indulgence for you?
I see all my friends going out and having fun and stuff and I just feel...useless (and kind of left out) and alone. Maybe it's my own damn fault that I don't tell people things, that I keep things quiet. Maybe it's the freaking mask I wear every day to fake people out. But I never feel like I can tell people things. I'm afraid I'll just get shot down and my problems will be undermined by their own problems. (I find this happens quite a lot, actually). I never feel like I have someone to talk to (that isn't my mom). I don't like people thinking I'm selfish...
I feel trapped. Like there's no way for me to escape this funk.
Again, I don't know if this is a bi-product of my being a senior, but...it sucks. I don't like it. But I don't really feel like fighting it right now. Am I allowed some time to wallow in self pity? Or is that too much self-indulgence for you?
Thursday, April 12, 2012
BEDSY Day 135 (Thurs. Apr. 12th, 2012)
Thank God tomorrow's Friday. First week back from Spring Break is always a long one. The nice thing is that April's pretty much halfway over by this point. Graduation is getting closer by the minute.
AP tests are also getting closer. I think my first one is on the 8th of May, which is Psychology. Then it's Calculus the next day (or the day after, I think). Then Government the next week. After that, I pretty much have to do "work" in two classes ('cause, let's face it, what else is there to do for a bunch of AP seniors to do after the tests...not much).
Days 'til Graduation: 40
AP tests are also getting closer. I think my first one is on the 8th of May, which is Psychology. Then it's Calculus the next day (or the day after, I think). Then Government the next week. After that, I pretty much have to do "work" in two classes ('cause, let's face it, what else is there to do for a bunch of AP seniors to do after the tests...not much).
Days 'til Graduation: 40
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
BEDSY Day 134 (Wed. Apr. 11th, 2012)
Had a better day today. Much calmer than yesterday.
Caps and gowns came in for graduation, as did my announcements and envelopes and name cards and all the fancy stuff that comes with it. I guess it's really happening now...
It's been pretty quiet here tonight. I'm just sitting here, watching Walk the Line and doing my chemistry homework. Gonna turn in in just a little bit, maybe go read some 1984 for my English class.
Days 'til graduation: 41
Caps and gowns came in for graduation, as did my announcements and envelopes and name cards and all the fancy stuff that comes with it. I guess it's really happening now...
It's been pretty quiet here tonight. I'm just sitting here, watching Walk the Line and doing my chemistry homework. Gonna turn in in just a little bit, maybe go read some 1984 for my English class.
Days 'til graduation: 41
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
(Don't) Panic: BEDSY Day 133 (Tues. Apr. 10th, 2012)
Welp. Had another panic attack today. Meh....
BUT! I shall persevere. Obviously, I'm here, writing, so that's progress from the last time this happened. I talked to my mom about it today since it, literally, took me almost an hour to calm down today. At least, calm enough to be able to function and do my work. I got really claustrophobic all of a sudden (something that I've never really had a problem with) and I felt like I couldn't breath. It didn't help that the room I was in didn't have any windows, either...
So, I was talking to my mom, and she told me--derived from her 30+ years of working in schools--that strange things begin to happen to kids who are about to leave their schools and move on to the next step in their educational journey, whatever it may entail. And, yes, that includes bouts of anxiety. Even when you don't feel like there's something to be anxious about. There's some part in the back of your brain that knows you're about to take that leap toward full adulthood, even though you may not consciously feel nervous about it. There's an inherent nervousness that sometimes makes unexpected appearances in the middle of your psychology lecture, making you nearly run out of the room to the bathroom in a panic.
Oh, wait. That's just me.
Looks like just another case of senioritis.
BUT! I shall persevere. Obviously, I'm here, writing, so that's progress from the last time this happened. I talked to my mom about it today since it, literally, took me almost an hour to calm down today. At least, calm enough to be able to function and do my work. I got really claustrophobic all of a sudden (something that I've never really had a problem with) and I felt like I couldn't breath. It didn't help that the room I was in didn't have any windows, either...
So, I was talking to my mom, and she told me--derived from her 30+ years of working in schools--that strange things begin to happen to kids who are about to leave their schools and move on to the next step in their educational journey, whatever it may entail. And, yes, that includes bouts of anxiety. Even when you don't feel like there's something to be anxious about. There's some part in the back of your brain that knows you're about to take that leap toward full adulthood, even though you may not consciously feel nervous about it. There's an inherent nervousness that sometimes makes unexpected appearances in the middle of your psychology lecture, making you nearly run out of the room to the bathroom in a panic.
Oh, wait. That's just me.
Looks like just another case of senioritis.
Monday, April 9, 2012
BEDSY Day 132 (Mon. Apr. 9th, 2012)
Hello, my dear friends. I'm back. For reals, this time.
I would like to start this off again by apologizing for my lack of entries over the past few weeks. Being a senior all of a sudden took over my life (especially with our portfolio presentations...which I ended up getting a perfect score on) and I was just...burnt out. Running on fumes. No sleep. I'm still on melatonin supplements to help me sleep (don't worry, melatonin is actually a naturally occurring hormone in the body, so I'm not on drugs or anything), but it took a good four or five days to start feeling "normal" again. I also got really sick on top of my stress and sleeplessness, so I was taking cold medicine that was making me sleepy, yet I wasn't really sleeping...oy. I was a wreck.
Not to mention, I've been having this kind of existential crisis about, like, not coming back to school next year. People, places, things I've grown used to seeing the past...thirteen years aren't going to be in my sight next year. It's going to be gone in less than two months (as of yesterday). Today, in band, we went over our schedule between now and the end of the year. It seems weird to be able to do that. We only have a few parades and a handful of concerts left. Then graduation.
Days 'til graduation: 43
I would like to start this off again by apologizing for my lack of entries over the past few weeks. Being a senior all of a sudden took over my life (especially with our portfolio presentations...which I ended up getting a perfect score on) and I was just...burnt out. Running on fumes. No sleep. I'm still on melatonin supplements to help me sleep (don't worry, melatonin is actually a naturally occurring hormone in the body, so I'm not on drugs or anything), but it took a good four or five days to start feeling "normal" again. I also got really sick on top of my stress and sleeplessness, so I was taking cold medicine that was making me sleepy, yet I wasn't really sleeping...oy. I was a wreck.
Not to mention, I've been having this kind of existential crisis about, like, not coming back to school next year. People, places, things I've grown used to seeing the past...thirteen years aren't going to be in my sight next year. It's going to be gone in less than two months (as of yesterday). Today, in band, we went over our schedule between now and the end of the year. It seems weird to be able to do that. We only have a few parades and a handful of concerts left. Then graduation.
Days 'til graduation: 43
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Just an update...
Hey guys...
I'm gonna come right out and say it.
I can't blog the rest of this week. It's just not working for me.
So that means you won't hear from me (at least) until the second week of April.
I'm sorry, but that's how it's going to go. I've got stuff going on in my life that I need to really figure out, and I can't be blogging while it's going on.
I'm really really sorry, you guys.... :(
I'm gonna come right out and say it.
I can't blog the rest of this week. It's just not working for me.
So that means you won't hear from me (at least) until the second week of April.
I'm sorry, but that's how it's going to go. I've got stuff going on in my life that I need to really figure out, and I can't be blogging while it's going on.
I'm really really sorry, you guys.... :(
Monday, March 26, 2012
Stupid Allergies: BEDSY Day 127 (Mon. Mar. 26th, 2012)
Spring has finally decided to show it's pretty face. And spark all of my allergies, thus inflicting me with a rather harsh case of hay fever. I've been blowing my brains out all day today. It got particularly bad when I had a timed essay in english. Luckily, I was near my teacher's desk, which had a big box of tissues on it. Score.
And the rest of day pretty much went like that, leaving me with chapped, raw lips and nose, forcing me to consume Tylenol sinus medicine and slather Carmex on my lips. I'm feeling pretty okay right now. I just need to make it to one o'clock on Thursday, and I'm set for Spring Break.
And the rest of day pretty much went like that, leaving me with chapped, raw lips and nose, forcing me to consume Tylenol sinus medicine and slather Carmex on my lips. I'm feeling pretty okay right now. I just need to make it to one o'clock on Thursday, and I'm set for Spring Break.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
I'm Not Dead (Again): BEDSY Days 124-126, plus the weekend (Sun. Mar. 25th, 2012)
We're here again, my friends.
I felt really sick Wednesday night, didn't get home until almost eleven on Thursday, and you all know that I never post on Fridays, so...here it is. Again.
I'm really sorry, guys. I finally made time to sleep Friday and last night, which has helped me be less anxious about things. On top of that, though, I've got this massive sinus weirdness going on because I'm super sensitive to changes in the air pressure, so I've been feeling really wiped out. Plus I have allergies, which have gotten really bad this week since, all of a sudden, the weather decided to be super nice so all the plants are like "RELEASE ALL THE POLLEN INTO THE AIR!!!" I went on a walk today since I was feeling a little better, but now I'm back to feeling kind of crappy because my allergies kicked in. Stuffed head, runny nose, weepy eyes. My face feels all funny and puffy...At least I'm no longer exhausted, though...
I'll try really hard to post every day this week, guys. I only have to go four days, two of which are half days, so I don't foresee anything too difficult getting in my way of posting.
On the other hand, I finally finished my Senior presentation. Yes! Now all I need to do is practice and present. Thursday, 12:30, you're mine.
I felt really sick Wednesday night, didn't get home until almost eleven on Thursday, and you all know that I never post on Fridays, so...here it is. Again.
I'm really sorry, guys. I finally made time to sleep Friday and last night, which has helped me be less anxious about things. On top of that, though, I've got this massive sinus weirdness going on because I'm super sensitive to changes in the air pressure, so I've been feeling really wiped out. Plus I have allergies, which have gotten really bad this week since, all of a sudden, the weather decided to be super nice so all the plants are like "RELEASE ALL THE POLLEN INTO THE AIR!!!" I went on a walk today since I was feeling a little better, but now I'm back to feeling kind of crappy because my allergies kicked in. Stuffed head, runny nose, weepy eyes. My face feels all funny and puffy...At least I'm no longer exhausted, though...
I'll try really hard to post every day this week, guys. I only have to go four days, two of which are half days, so I don't foresee anything too difficult getting in my way of posting.
On the other hand, I finally finished my Senior presentation. Yes! Now all I need to do is practice and present. Thursday, 12:30, you're mine.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
BEDSY Day 123 (Tues. Mar. 20th, 2012)
It's a relaxing kind of night here in my house.
For the mot part, I haven't had that much homework this week. It's nice. Gives me time to work on my presentation...The most I have to do is read for my English class. And some chemistry homework. But I'm being given almost all class tomorrow to work on it. So, there's that...
For the mot part, I haven't had that much homework this week. It's nice. Gives me time to work on my presentation...The most I have to do is read for my English class. And some chemistry homework. But I'm being given almost all class tomorrow to work on it. So, there's that...
Monday, March 19, 2012
Productive Monday: BEDSY Day 122 (Mon. Mar. 19th, 2012)
Well, I'm feeling better. Not as frantic as I have been in the last few days. Still gonna take my supplements, but I think they are finally starting to kick in...
I felt rather productive this afternoon. Sat down and finished off my calculus homework (something that would usually be done the morning of it being due). Now I'm gonna go read Atonement for a little bit and finish up my work for that (I'm at the part where Robbie, for those who have read the book and/or seen the movie, is rambling on about his past...for around twenty pages). I'm liking not having AP Lit (even though I've heard it's eased up a bit and the teacher is turning into a really cool guy) because I don't feel like I'm frantically trying to read while simultaneously trying to enjoy the books I read. That's the thing...with very few exceptions, I really do enjoy reading for school. I just wish my school did a better job about just letting us talk about books instead of just doing work for them...
Anyway, I'm gonna try and be productive tomorrow as well. I've got senior presentations in a week (yikes) and I have yet to really start writing my ten-minute presentation. It doesn't take much, truthfully. I just need to sit down and pound it out. And that's what I'm gonna do tomorrow.
I like being able to make plans and not freak out about things.
I felt rather productive this afternoon. Sat down and finished off my calculus homework (something that would usually be done the morning of it being due). Now I'm gonna go read Atonement for a little bit and finish up my work for that (I'm at the part where Robbie, for those who have read the book and/or seen the movie, is rambling on about his past...for around twenty pages). I'm liking not having AP Lit (even though I've heard it's eased up a bit and the teacher is turning into a really cool guy) because I don't feel like I'm frantically trying to read while simultaneously trying to enjoy the books I read. That's the thing...with very few exceptions, I really do enjoy reading for school. I just wish my school did a better job about just letting us talk about books instead of just doing work for them...
Anyway, I'm gonna try and be productive tomorrow as well. I've got senior presentations in a week (yikes) and I have yet to really start writing my ten-minute presentation. It doesn't take much, truthfully. I just need to sit down and pound it out. And that's what I'm gonna do tomorrow.
I like being able to make plans and not freak out about things.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
An Explanation...
Hey, guys...I don't know what day I'm on. Right now, it doesn't really matter.
I'm sorry for not posting on Wednesday or Thursday. Let's just say things got really bad Wednesday night.
For the past couple of weeks, I've been suppressing this anxiety over...I don't know what, everything, nothing...anyway, it kind of all came out Wednesday night...and then continued into Thursday morning. I couldn't stop shaking or worrying that, when I got to school I would have a nervous breakdown (not that I wasn't having one at the time). My mom took me out to breakfast (since school started late for me anyway), and I kind of felt better. Then my mom drove me to school, and I just relapsed. I couldn't stop crying or shaking or freaking out. So I went home.
My mom took me to Super Supplements to get some vitamins that would help me calm down. So now I'm on this stuff called Gaba to keep me calm and 5HTP to help me fall asleep at night and vitamin D supplements.
This sucks, guys. On top of that, I've given up coffee (I figured caffeinated drinks combined with things that were supposed to calm me down probably wasn't a good idea) so I'm facing the side-effects of caffeine withdrawal alongside this anxiety. Fantastic.
On the other hand, these supplements I'm taking now are kind of starting to help me. I think. Like I said, the coffee withdrawal is kind of tweaking me out still, but I'll give it a few more days.
So, there it is. I apologize for not living up to my promise about blogging every day. However, I shall continue this week, now that I'm not freaking out every other minute (and I now have things that will help me not freak out every other minute).
I'm gonna go a try to relax a bit, get some studying done for a psychology test I have tomorrow. I'll keep you guys posted.
I'm sorry for not posting on Wednesday or Thursday. Let's just say things got really bad Wednesday night.
For the past couple of weeks, I've been suppressing this anxiety over...I don't know what, everything, nothing...anyway, it kind of all came out Wednesday night...and then continued into Thursday morning. I couldn't stop shaking or worrying that, when I got to school I would have a nervous breakdown (not that I wasn't having one at the time). My mom took me out to breakfast (since school started late for me anyway), and I kind of felt better. Then my mom drove me to school, and I just relapsed. I couldn't stop crying or shaking or freaking out. So I went home.
My mom took me to Super Supplements to get some vitamins that would help me calm down. So now I'm on this stuff called Gaba to keep me calm and 5HTP to help me fall asleep at night and vitamin D supplements.
This sucks, guys. On top of that, I've given up coffee (I figured caffeinated drinks combined with things that were supposed to calm me down probably wasn't a good idea) so I'm facing the side-effects of caffeine withdrawal alongside this anxiety. Fantastic.
On the other hand, these supplements I'm taking now are kind of starting to help me. I think. Like I said, the coffee withdrawal is kind of tweaking me out still, but I'll give it a few more days.
So, there it is. I apologize for not living up to my promise about blogging every day. However, I shall continue this week, now that I'm not freaking out every other minute (and I now have things that will help me not freak out every other minute).
I'm gonna go a try to relax a bit, get some studying done for a psychology test I have tomorrow. I'll keep you guys posted.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Oops, I Did It Again...: BEDSY Day 118 (Tues. Mar 12th, 2012)
I fell asleep before posting.
My head's been kind of stuffed up for the last few weeks, so I took some cold medicine right after dinner. I was passed out by 8:30 and didn't wake up until 6:30 this morning.
Believe me, I had sincere intentions to come back and post about how it was nice to only have hour-long classes instead of 100-minute classes. But I guess my body didn't want me to.
My bad, guys...
My head's been kind of stuffed up for the last few weeks, so I took some cold medicine right after dinner. I was passed out by 8:30 and didn't wake up until 6:30 this morning.
Believe me, I had sincere intentions to come back and post about how it was nice to only have hour-long classes instead of 100-minute classes. But I guess my body didn't want me to.
My bad, guys...
Monday, March 12, 2012
Last Third: BEDSY Day 117 (Mon. Mar. 12th, 2012)
Yep, that's right. Last trimester of high school. Ever.
Three weeks 'til Spring Break. After that, it's a month until AP tests. Then it's only about three weeks until graudation. This one's gonna fly by...
Had two relatively easy classes today, and one that's probably going to be the bane of my existence for the next few weeks. Had English first this morning. We're starting off reading Ian McEwan's Atonement, which I read earlier this year in my other English class (the class that shall not be named). Kind of looking forward to reading it again.
Then I have Calculus. Same old, same old Calculus...Then band. can't complain much about this schedule.
We'll se what tomorrow brings with my other three classes, though it shouldn't bring many surprises: AP Gov, AP Psych, chemistry. Pretty basic, if you ask me.
Another thing...sophomores have state testing tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday...which means that classes don't start for me until 10:00. Yes! Sadly, I don't get to sleep in, but it does give me an opportunity to get some other work done...possibly even get ahead. It would be nice to start off ahead this trimester...
Days 'til Spring Break: 13
Days of school left (approx.): 55
Three weeks 'til Spring Break. After that, it's a month until AP tests. Then it's only about three weeks until graudation. This one's gonna fly by...
Had two relatively easy classes today, and one that's probably going to be the bane of my existence for the next few weeks. Had English first this morning. We're starting off reading Ian McEwan's Atonement, which I read earlier this year in my other English class (the class that shall not be named). Kind of looking forward to reading it again.
Then I have Calculus. Same old, same old Calculus...Then band. can't complain much about this schedule.
We'll se what tomorrow brings with my other three classes, though it shouldn't bring many surprises: AP Gov, AP Psych, chemistry. Pretty basic, if you ask me.
Another thing...sophomores have state testing tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday...which means that classes don't start for me until 10:00. Yes! Sadly, I don't get to sleep in, but it does give me an opportunity to get some other work done...possibly even get ahead. It would be nice to start off ahead this trimester...
Days 'til Spring Break: 13
Days of school left (approx.): 55
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