Tales of Adolescent Anxiety, Conclusion: Summer of Self-Care

(Here's Part 1 and Part 2)

**This was meant to post a few weeks ago, but I've been traveling, working, going to school, and getting over a summer cold. Today has really been the first day that I've been home and had time to finish this up.**

This is meant to be an epilogue of sorts to the previous two posts.

A few weeks ago, I turned 20 years old.

At face value, that of course means that I have survived the dreaded teenage years and am now about to embark into the second decade of my life.

For me, though, it marks another milestone.

While there are a handful of other dates from which I could pick, June 26th, 2013 (my nineteenth birthday) really marks the beginning of my journey to healing...which first entailed a long, painful downward spiral.

The day started out like any other, really. I had to work that day. Things were pretty quiet, since it was the middle of the week, which is how I like it. After a full day, my  mom picked me up and we went out to dinner.

At dinner, though, things started to go south. I started to get "twitchy", as my mom often described my anxiety attacks/streaks. And, yes, for a really long time during this process, that's how my anxiety chose to manifest itself. I was very restless, physically and mentally. I would wring my hands, mess with my glasses, mess with my hair, tap my fingers on stuff, etc. I often felt like I couldn't stop my anxious thoughts. Everything that went through my mind was laced with anxiety, like some sort of poison. I knew that the feelings that I was having at dinner had kind of been building up for a few weeks since I'd been home, so when my mom asked if I wanted to go back to the doctor, I agreed.

Two weeks, one horrible 4th of July weekend, and many, many tears later, I found myself back at the doctor and...you know how the rest of the story goes.

But here we are, a year later.

As I'm writing this now, I've been done with class for about a month, and on top of joy and relief, I can't help but feel slightly overwhelmed. Before I finished up school, I had my last session with my counselor, which was a very bittersweet moment for me. On the one hand, I was saying good-bye to this person with whom I had just spent the last eight months, who helped guide me toward this better self and who also served as a listening ear for when things really weren't going great for me...but on the other hand, after eight months of hard work, I'm in a place in my life I never thought I would get to, and for once I felt okay with that. It's a good place. I felt okay with moving on.

I also expressed that my current state of mind was contentment with where I was at that point...but still looking to improve and travel along this pathway of peace and mindfulness that I had established for myself. And to have that mindset, to not necessarily looking for a certain state of mind, is huge. Very early on, I was always looking toward trying to feel the same way I felt before all of this started...which was over two years ago. And it wasn't until December or January when I discovered that that feat was impossible...mostly because it had been two years. That's a long time. Things changed, whether or not I actually wanted them to. To try to get back to the state where I started was to be going backwards, which is the opposite of what I was trying to achieve.

The majority of the last few weeks have been spent thinking about where I started out this year and about how far I've come. To put it simply, I was a train wreck. I was having panic attacks every day, sometimes several in a day. I was in this unshakable brain fog that made concentrating on things very difficult. I was shaky all the time. I didn't eat well. I would wake up in the middle of the night in a panic. I barely left my room. I stopped driving. But, with the help of eight months of weekly counseling, I find myself feeling better than I ever thought I could, even when I started this journey. I physically feel better; I feel like my body is running better, my mind is more clear, I'm sleeping better, I'm enjoying things in my life in ways I was unable to when my anxiety was bad. At the same time, it's a little scary to be where I am now, to know that I owe it to myself to continue this journey of healing. But I am pretty confident in my ability to do that, having spent the last eight months learning much more about myself...and how to take care of myself.

At the beginning of last year, most of my anxiety was based around the thought of not being able to take care of myself and do proper adult things for myself since I developed all of my anxiety/panic issues. Yes, anxiety about anxiety, which is one of the worst cycles you can get yourself into. But, I found a way out, and even though through this last quarter I was working on what seemed like some very specific things with my counselor (my grandmother passed away suddenly in February, which brought up some issues that needed to be addressed)...what I really was learning, finally, was how to take care of myself. I learned what I needed to tell myself when I could feel the anxious thought spiral coming on, when I could feel myself becoming restless and distracted; what I needed to do, physically, to center myself again (go for a walk, take a few deep breaths, ground myself, step outside class for a minute or two to gather myself); what I needed to do to support myself emotionally (talk to my friends, talk to my mom, utilize my time with my counselor, watch a funny movie)...and yet also knowing when I need to put on my big girls pants and know that it's just my anxiety talking and I need to move forward. And it was a long, hard road to get to that point and to be able to tell the difference between those times.

So what is 'self-care'?

It's pretty much exactly as it sounds, but it goes beyond the usual day-to-day maintenance (showering, getting dressed, eating, drinking water, brushing your teeth, etc.).

Self-care, I believe, it something that you actively chose to do. It's measures you take to make yourself feel safe, loved, healthy, beautiful, confident. You purposely say to yourself "I'm gonna do this thing/buy this thing/talk to this person/not do this thing because I want to and it's going to make me feel better." It's not always the most obvious or easiest thing, to take care of yourself, but it is so, so important. Buy yourself flowers or a new pair of shoes or a CD or a video game or a book or a new outfit. Go get a massage. Cut toxic people from your life. Go talk to a therapist or join a support group. Or just go for a walk. Get some fresh air.

Pamper yourself, buy yourself nice things every once in a while just for the hell of it. Take care of your body. Put good food into it. Keep yourself hydrated. If you've been feeling bad for a while, go to the doctor and get help. This is the only self you get, so you might as well take care of it while you can.

But, like all good things, getting through whatever hardship you personally are dealing with takes time. It takes patience and kindness toward yourself. If you want to do something nice for yourself but don't get around to doing it right when you want to, don't beat yourself up. If there's one thing I've learned this year, it's that nothing gets accomplished by beating myself up and getting mad at myself for my failures at self-care. This is called self-care, remember? You wouldn't take care of yourself by yelling about your mistakes, would you?

So that's my number one priority this summer: taking care of myself. I've been trying to eat well and exercise regularly and taking time out of my day to relax if I need to recharge. And if that also entails going back to counseling, then so be it. That's not to say I'll be taking this summer off completely, though. I've already started working again, I've already been on a week-long trip, I'm going to summer school, and I will be taking another week-long vacation later this summer. I plan on spending time with my friends this summer. I didn't see a lot of people last summer, and most of it was due to my anxiety, but I'm working to make amends with people this year. I feel so bad for backing out of things because my anxiety was being a jerk and making me feel bad all the time, and it's time to fix that.

And I'm not saying it's easy to work through something like this, whether it be anxiety or depression or bipolar or ADHD...sometimes, it's the hardest thing you can possibly imagine to do, to go outside, to get dressed, to get out of bed. And there will be some days where you can't do any of that. And that's okay. The important thing to remember is to try again tomorrow. Don't beat yourself up about your failures and missteps. Even when all seems lost and all hope is gone, the sun will indeed rise tomorrow, and you get to try again, because, damn it, the little victories add up, my friends, they really do. And it's so worth it to stick around to see them for yourself.

And I'm also saying that there's no single way of dealing with anxiety (or any type of mental illness, for that matter). Everyone's demons are different. Medication was obviously not a great option for me in the instances I portrayed, but that's not to say it isn't someone else's miracle. Sometimes even therapy isn't even the best choice (though it's often accompanied when you're on medication just to make sure it's not making things worse for you, but...I digress). Sometimes it takes a little bit of both. Sometimes it's just getting some fresh air every once in a while. Sometimes it's just putting on your big girl pants and facing the world head-on.

But, whatever the path you choose, I hope you never have to go it alone. You are not alone in this fight. I hope you, reading this, reach out to people and I hope the people in your life reach out to you. Share your own stories. Ask questions if you want. There's plenty more I have to share, but for now, I'll leave you with this:

I will have anxiety for the rest of my life, there's no doubt about that; it's an emotion, and my brain is just a little more sensitive to it. But with the help of counseling and the support of my friends and my mom, I went from having daily panic attacks to having them pretty few and far between with no real discernible pattern. It no longer has control over my life the way it did a year ago. But there is no "cure" for stuff like this. It's something that I deal with every day will do so for every day of the foreseeable future. I carry it with me wherever I go.

But the load is getting lighter every day.

**If you have been experiencing similar anxiety symptoms, please go talk to a professional. Even if I'm the only person to say this to you, hear me out: There are so many good things in this world, and you deserve to see them and enjoy them.*

Here's a few links I want to share with you as well:

• The National Alliance on Mental Illness has a great website. It has plenty of resources and information on everything from depression and anxiety to ADD and autism and bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and the whole spectrum of treatment options that are available to people.
• YouTuber Elio does a great job in giving an overview of  understanding mental illness, especially for people who don't necessarily have mental health issues. But I think everyone should watch it. It's pretty good.
• Fashion blogger/vlogger Zoella also opened up about her experiences with anxiety which, when I was first figuring stuff out for myself, were extremely helpful to me.
• A guest blogger over at Wonderly also did a write-up about her experiences with anxiety and getting the help she needed. Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 (Yes, I know it's six parts, but it's really worth the read.)
• These are a few blog posts from people I admire who have and their own experiences with mental health issues. Both of the people I list have both depression and anxiety, and while I didn't have as many issues with depression, the two disorders often co-exist.
• Wil Wheaton has a few blog posts about his on battle with anxiety and depression. He is a far better and more experienced writer than I am and does a much better job at expressing his experiences. He has written several pieces on the topic, but these are some of my favorites: Depression Lies, you are not alone in this fight
• YA Author Stephanie Perkins (Anna and the French Kiss, Lola and the Boy Next Door) also has a great write-up about her depression and what it's like to have depression while also maintaining a career.

Tales of Adolescent Anxiety, Part 2: The Path to Heaven Runs through Miles of Clouded Hell

**This post, as is the previous post is from a few months ago that I, as usual, meant to post but I then became occupied with other things and it got shoved away, collecting dust. That being said, I'm keeping the contents of the post as-is and will continue to post the entries I had intended to do a few months ago, but just never got around to doing. Some A lot of things have changed since I wrote the majority of this, but I think it's still important to post this. I'm working on another post that will include more current updates on what I'm about to talk about, so you'll just have to come back when I post that.**

This is a continuation of Tales of Adolescent Anxiety. For Part 1 of this saga, go here. Also, as usual, this is a  trigger warnings for anxiety/panic.

April, 2014

Two weeks into my school year, I mustered up enough sanity to make one of the more adult decisions I've made: I contacted my campus's counseling services and began weekly therapy. And, honestly, that's been one of the best decisions I've ever made. After my initial consultation, I was matched up with a young woman who worked mostly with students who have general anxiety and other facets of anxiety. I've been working with my counselor now for almost six months and I will continue to work with her until the end of the year. I really do feel a difference in my thinking and demeanor ever since I started seeing her. If nothing else, it's given me a space to come and vent about my week. What I love about this facility in general is that they cater specifically to college-aged kids and only work with those who go to my school. College kids are a very special breed. We are in a point in our lives where nothing is static. Everything from our living situations to our family and friend dynamics to our class schedules are changing at crazy frequencies. And with every change comes a development in how we will live our adult lives, whether we like them or not.

For most of my journey toward sorting out my anxiety, I never quite felt fully validated about what I was going through. I would fill out surveys at the doctor's office about having anxiety and/or depression. The results would come back and my doctor would tell me right-out that I didn't have depression.

Thanks for that, doc. I could've told you that myself. Then she would ask me if I was self-harming.

My honest answer: No.

Doctor: Are you feeling suicidal at all?

Me: No.

Doctor: Eh. You're fine. You'll get over it. You'll grow out of it.

Me: But..but...I still feel really bad all the time and I don't want to do things anymore that I used to really like doing and...

But by that time, the doctor would have left the office and I was left feeling just as hopeless and helpless as I had when I entered, which then caused me to question whether or not I even had anxiety...

Working with my current counselor has been a completely different story. Things clicked between us much better between us than with my other counselor. I feel validated, I feel heard. The relationship between a counselor and patient is a very delicate one; I've even heard that finding the right counselor pretty much equates to finding your soul mate. You need someone who understands how you think (or can help you understand how you think), who listens the way you need to be listened to, and who, of course, caters to your needs in a way that serves you. And there's no shame in having to try out a few people. That's probably one of the more frustrating aspects of going to counseling, and I feel extremely lucky to have found someone that works well for me so quickly. Even though it may take some time, it is so, so important to find someone you like...because if you don't like how they work, you won't want to listen to them, and you won't feel better.

My previous counselor gave me a book as we parted ways and in it, there was this whole section dedicated to the power of affirmations. The book recommended picking up some affirmation CDs and listening to them on a daily basis. So I did just that; I listened to them in the morning as I got up. I listened to them in the evening before I went to bed. I did this for weeks. And you know what?

They didn't do a damn thing. I was listening to these same positive affirmations day after day...and I didn't believe them. Believe me, I wanted to, I wanted to believe that I was going to be alright, that I had enough confidence to do the things that I wanted to do...but it was beyond my mental capacity that my anxiety had limited over the years to believe any of that.

And I hate it. I hate that I have anxiety. This past year especially, it's driven me from people and things that I love. I hate the thoughts that run through my head and keep me up at night and distract me when I'm trying to listen to a lecture at school or when I'm driving to work. At first, most days were really, really hard, trying to survive school on top of trying to work on my anxiety. Changes don't happen overnight, and they don't happen the way you want them to, either. At first, you can't really expect too much about how you're going to respond to the work you do with your counselor, especially when you've been experiencing these distressing thought patterns for as long (or longer) as I have. It's an extremely frustrating process. I didn't see big changes in my thoughts and behaviors for a long time...but, if you found someone and something that works for you, you start noticing little changes pretty soon. And all of those little things eventually add up to a few big changes. And soon you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Over Christmas, I read Allie Brosh's book Hyperbole and A Half (which you all should go read because it's hilarious), and in it she discusses her own experiences with depression. Toward the end of her story, when she realized she needed to get help for her issues, she conveyed a huge epiphany. She was traversing through this awful wasteland of depression and hopelessness, but she came to realize that she wasn't going to, all of a sudden, arrive at the end of this wasteland and feel better. In order to get better, she had to turn around, and go back through where she had just come from. And that's very much what I had to do. I had to experience these thoughts and sensations that I had been experiencing for months before...but now I had to stick with these thoughts and feelings, not try to push the away, using tools and techniques that my counselor gave me.

Basically, I was re-training my brain. Like an athlete trains for a marathon. We started out slow and kind of jerky, trying to figure out what worked and what didn't. Then we started to see improvement...but then there would be periods of setbacks, where we ha to re-evaluate things...but we still pressed on to where we are now.

And now? While I still have a few weeks of school left...getting to the end of the year seems a lot more possible than it did six months ago. That, in and of itself, is pretty great.

To be continued...

Tales of Adolescent Anxiety (Part 1): Hitting Rock Bottom

**This post is from a few months ago that I, as usual, meant to post but I then became occupied with other things and it got shoved away, collecting dust. That being said, I'm keeping the contents of the post as-is and will continue to post the entries I had intended to do a few months ago, but just never got around to doing. Some A lot of things have changed since I wrote the majority of this, but I think it's still important to post this. I'm working on another post that will include more current updates on what I'm about to talk about, so you'll just have to come back when I post that.**

April 2014

As you can see, it's been a long while since I've posted on here. You never even heard from me after I promised a new blog format in September.

My blog, my rules, though. THEREFORE, I'm pressing the reset button on this thing. I'd really like to continue to post things on here regularly again. Honestly, the last time I posted, I really did have a plan for this blog. But a few days after that things kind of got complicated in my life and the notion flew from my mind and didn't return until I revisited this site, like, now.

Before I get this going, though, I would like to issue a trigger warning for anxiety/panic, and other phenomena people can experience with panic/anxiety. I would also like to add that this post (and those that follow) is, in no way, a self-help post, and I have no real intention for it to be so. If you are looking for ways to calm your anxiety at this moment, I'm sad to say you probably won't find it here. This is just my personal account with it. If that helps you to feel more okay about your situation, or it instigates you to go get help, that's wonderful and amazing, and I wish you the best of luck. 

I've not exactly made it a secret on here, at least to those who regularly kept up with my BEDA/BEDSY posts, that I have anxiety and I've been battling it intensely over the course of the past two years since, at least, my senior year of high school. I didn't have anxiety over anything in particular, rather it had pretty much seeped into every aspect of my life. It was hard to pin down; every few months, some aspect of my anxiety would change. It came and went with varying intensities throughout my first year in college, but it wasn't until this last summer that it reared its ugly head and kind of stopped me in my tracks, on more than one occasion.

First, I have to back up a few months before my last blog post, to last June/July. I had been home from school for a couple of weeks, right after finishing up my first year of college. Things were pretty good, I'd say. I didn't have much of a break because I started work two days after I got back, but you know, whatever, it happens. I got into a sort of regiment between the days that I worked and the days I had off. It was definitely a bit of a shift between my routine at school and my routine at home, which were vastly different. But things got a bit...tricky. I was settling into my routine alright but I wasn't settled. I wasn't happy. I felt uneasy all the time. It all came together on my birthday when I had a pretty bad anxiety attack during dinner with my mom that forced us to end the night early.

Things just went downhill from there. After a miserable Fourth of July weekend (which really bummed me out because it's one of my favorite holidays), I found myself at my doctor, explaining my predicament for the third time in two years. Still kind of wary on using the medication option (she had already put me on birth control to perhaps help regulate my hormones because I was definitely more anxious around my time of the month), she suggested that I try some counseling. It was one of our last options, and all of my problems appeared to be thought-based, so I figured it couldn't hurt.

The place I got referred to is apparently really hard to get into. My doctor even warned me that they often had a waiting list. A place with a waiting list has to be good, right? A few weeks went by before we heard anything back from the clinic (also, we don't call them, we had to wait for them to call us), and we eventually got a call saying they had a spot open for me.

Three sessions went by, one per week, during the last few weeks of July. They went...okay. We had pretty decent conversations. After those three sessions, though...we were kind of at a stand-still. I felt better, kind of, and I would be missing that next week's session because I was going on vacation...so we decided to part ways at that point.

After that, things were...okay. They were kind of the same as they had been before I went to counseling, and so I spent the rest of the summer in this weird anxiety zone wherein I just felt...off. But I pressed on.

Fast forward to the end of the summer. Right after I last posted a blog, I had a really bad panic attack on the drive home from work that left me stranded 20 minutes away from home and I had to wait for my mom to come pick me up. I kept having bad panic attacks on and off for the next few weeks after (once more involving me getting stranded while driving home from work). The week before I started school I went back to my doctor, and, finding that we had pretty much exhausted all other options, she prescribed me to a daily regiment of Zoloft. That lasted for a whole two days. The first day I felt pretty good. A little jittery and wonky, which is to be expected for the first few days on the drug, but, for the most part, okay. The next day...not so much.

As I woke up and started to go about my day, I began to feel like things were...not right. I had this weird buzz going through my body. I couldn't relax. I would break out in a cold sweat on and off. My mind was all over the place and I felt like I didn't have the mental capacity to complete the most simple of tasks. This would be mildly okay if this occurred in the middle of summer. But it wasn't. It happened two day before I left for school, and I had done next to nothing as far as packing or laundry or getting things organized.

Engage full-day panic mode. It was like the worst possible panic attack combined with five shots of espresso. An I honestly think the worst part of it was that I was alone; my mom was at work until almost five, and I had been up since nine, so being by myself while I was feeling so bad just made it worse. Later that day, I had to go wash my grandma's car and bring it back to her house (I was using it all summer so I could get to and from work), and that was probably one of the worst drives I've ever had in my entire life. I had to pull off to the side of the road more than once to collect myself (keep in mind: the longest distance I had to drive was, at most, maybe ten minutes). I felt dizzy. I had so much energy and I didn't know where to put it. I felt trapped as I was driving. Even when I was riding in the car with my mom (we had to run a few more errands before we got home), I was feeling the same thing.

Here's the funny thing about anxiety and panic: once you have associated a severe episode of anxiety with a particular event/place/situation, it is often very hard to disassociate that place/experience/circumstance with that one time you experience a bad emotion. Unless, of course, you ave the right tools for it which, at that point and time, I did not. And I didn't for a very long time after that. I became very wary of driving and cars for several months after, leaving me feel more and more trapped by my anxiety. I haven't driven since that day, but I have made improvement toward being able to sit in a car for an extended period of time without having so much as a blip of a freak-out.

ANYWAYS...

The rest of the night didn't go smoothly, as you can probably surmise. I couldn't relax. I was shaky and twitchy and I had trouble concentrating. I even had trouble falling asleep that night. Eventually, though, my body just kind of gave up and let me sleep for a few hours. Later, my mom told me that she almost drove me to the emergency room because I was acting so poorly.

So there I was, at school, by myself, reeling from birth control detox and Zoloft detox. I gave myself a few days to collect myself (luckily classes didn't start until a few days after I got there), because I was convinced that a lot of what I was feeling (aside from the medication detox) was nervousness about getting back to school, and getting back to my friends. But after things didn't quite settle down the way I wanted to, after many tear-filled phone calls with my mother, I knew I still had to do something about this anxiety monster that would not leave me alone. If I wanted to make it through the year, I had to do something.

To be continued...

Hello, Friends

Time for my semi-annual check-in.

I've come to realize that I really do miss this space. But I've had trouble figuring out what I want to do with it. If you recall, the last time you saw me, I had a brand new project in the works.

Yeah, obviously that didn't happen. 

I'm working on a few things right now--honestly--and I'm not quite finished with them, and I don't know when exactly I'll post them or in what order I'll post them, but they should give some insight to what I've been up to for the last few months.

More to come. Stay tuned.

A New Project, A New Blog

Hello!! I'm back from the dead.

Since my last post--which I believe was sometime in May--I've finished my first year of college, and I've been working and enjoying my summer. Even though I still have about three more weeks of summer, I'm pretty eager to get back to school.

I know that since I finished Blog Every Day Senior Year, this blog has been kind of hodgepodge of different posts and life updates, and I'm seriously thinking of changing that.

Don't worry, this blog isn't going anywhere, I'm just thinking I'm in need of a style change, as if I'm giving my blog a back-to-school haircut.

Yeah, a haircut...

Blog posts on here will be less frequent than BEDSY, but they will most definitely be more frequent than what I've been posting the past year. I can't exactly tell you about it yet--still need to work out a few details---but based on the new project that I plan on doing, the project should start in September.

Watch this space...

Wednesday April 17th, 2013: BEDA Day 17

**NOTE: Somehow this didn't get published when it was supposed to...oops...**

I have been in the depths of homework hell for the past four hours.

Send help.

I'm having trouble typing out the right words...'for' came out as 'from' a few times...

But I've gotten a lot done. Most of my homework fro this week is actually done. I just have one more thing to read at some point tomorrow, and I'll be done for the week.

I'm going to bed now.

Peace out, girl scouts.

Acknowledging Universal Truths: A Post about the Lizzie Bennet Diaries

Hey look, here's the thing I promised you guys! I apologize for the length.

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."

This is probably one of the most well-known opening lines from any novel in the history of the printed word. If you don't know what this is from, what were you doing in your high school English class? Maybe that's a bad question...I definitely wasn't paying attention in class when I read this book...

If you are still unaware, this is the opening sentence of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. It also the first line in the web series The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, a YouTube-based adaptation of Pride and Prejudice.

That's right.

Pride and Prejudice.

AS A WEB SERIES.

It's pretty freaking great.

Here's my thing with P&P: I had meant to read it for a really long time, ever since my ninth grade English teacher made a flattering-but-mostly-terrifying comment on one of my assignments about how my writing reminded him of Jane Austen's. I figured I should read the author in reference in order to, you know, properly appreciate the comment.

That didn't exactly happen. Unfortunately, the only point at which I finally found myself reading P&P was in my senior year English class, when it was required reading, which probably wasn't the best environment in which to really enjoy the book. The assignment that we had to complete for the book did nothing with analyzing the characters or the story; we had to  find a certain number of quotes in each section of reading that fell under the category of "marriage", "pride", and (you guessed it) "prejudice". So all I had to do was find the quotes (or scroll through SparkNotes), write a sentence or two of B.S. commentary, and my teacher would give full points.

So I ended up hating the book. I had no idea what was going on half the time. (Although that might have also had something to do with my state of mind at the time...I've looked back at some of my old entries around this time last year, and...yikes...) While I had some basic knowledge of the story (this girl Elizabeth hates this rich guy Mr. Darcy, and he loves her, but they still get together at the end), I had never seen any of the film adaptations of the book beforehand either, so this was my first introduction to the world of Ms. Austen's.

Was I disappointed that I ended up hating a book that I was excited about finally reading and that many people before me had hyped up as their favorite book/the best story of all time?

Yes.

This was in February of last year.

Fast-forward a couple of weeks to April 12th.

In my anxious/depressed state last year, I spent a lot of time on the internet, YouTube especially, trying to numb the worry away. One day, I was checking my YouTube subscription box and clicked on the most recent Vlogbrothers video (if you have spent a decent amount of time on the internet in the past three years and you have not heard of John and Hank Green a.k.a. The Vlogbrothers, what are you doing with your time? Seriously, if you haven't heard of them, stop reading this and go look them up on YouTube. You won't regret it). Anyways...this video was titled "Introducing Lizzie Bennet". It started out with Hank Green walking through the woods. As he sat down in front of a river somewhere in Montana, his camera propped up on a tree, Hank delved into an explanation of his latest project--a modern-day, YouTube-based adaptation of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. Having just come out of a rather negative experience with that particular text, you'd think that I would just roll my eyes at the mere mention of the title.

But I didn't. I watched intently as Hank delivered this pitch abut this project about which he was obviously very passionate and excited. And I found myself wanting to watch this series. I trusted Hank's enthusiasm for this project because, as those familiar with the work of Hank and John know, anything that either of the Green brothers touches turns to gold. So when the oh-so-catchy theme of the Lizzie Bennet Diaries played at the end of Hank's video, I clicked on the link to Lizzie's first video...and subscribed to the channel approximately four minutes later when the first episode ended.

(At the time, there were only two videos available on the Lizzie Bennet channel. In Hank's video, he said that eight videos had been shot, so I was highly disappointed when I was unable to click through to the next video after the second episode.)

Needless to say, the show hooked me immediately.

The format of the show is a bi-weekly video blog chronicling the life and times of 24-year-old grad student (with a "mountain of student loans") Lizzie Bennet, occasionally accompanied by her two sisters (yes, only two) Jane and Lydia, and her since-fetuses best friend, Charlotte Lu. (Some other people show up eventually.) Of course, the series follows the story line of P&P pretty closely though, obviously, not perfectly because it is 1) an adaptation, and 2) adapted in a format that, so far, has been used very little). But, for what the creators did and how they did it, it was damn near perfect.

Of course, the "experience" of the show was not exclusive to the medium of YouTube because, let's face it, this is the 21st century; people are on the internet all the time. So the characters have Facebook accounts and Twitter accounts and Tumblr blogs and Pinterest boards, and they're updated in real time with the events of the show. The creators resolved to make a universe as transparent as possible...one in which even Sense & Sensibility exists and Lizzie gets to meet Hank, one of the show's creators, at Vidcon, a conference about online video. If you hadn't known that this was a P&P adaptation, you might have actually thought these people were real.

That being said, the acting int he show is superb: each of the four female leads will make you laugh, cry, cheer, and a plethora of other emotions throughout the entirety of the series. Ashley Clements portrays a very modern Lizzie who very much prefers to see things the way she wants to see them (Or, as Jane would put it, "Lizzie sees what Lizzie sees"). Ashley has mentioned several times throughout the running of the show that her favorite thing about Lizzie is that she is highly flawed. And that is possibly my favorite thing about her as well. Through this particular medium, we get to see events, very blatantly, from Lizzie's heavily biased (prejudiced, even) perspective. Over the course of the show, you see this stubborn young woman who, at times is so dialed into her own life that she can barely see the others around her, grow and change her thinking about her family, her friends, and a guy named William Darcy.

This series also gave new light to a character that we all thought he hated (for those who know the story): Lydia. In the book, we see her as precocious and annoying and, to put it in the words from the LBD "a stupid, whorey slut". Without giving too much away, the LBD team presented Lydia and the George Wickham crisis in a way that made her a little more human. Not to mention Mary Kate Wiles's amazing performance as Lydia that can go from funny and lively to heartbreaking and devastating in a matter of seconds. About 25 episodes into the show, Lydia runs off to make her own video blogs. They are purely supplementary to the main story, but absolutely necessary if you really want to get into the head of young Lydia Bennet. (I will admit that I didn't watch Lydia's videos for the first few months.) But as the story progressed and other characters got involved (*cough* GEORGEWICKHAM *cough*), the viewers began to see a different side of Lydia, a more vulnerable, fragile Lydia--trying desperately to gain the approval and respect from her older sisters--vastly different from the rambunctious and precocious Lydia we see in the first half of the show. I'm not going to spoil anything if you haven't watched LBD, but there were a few episodes revolving around the Lydia/Wickham arc that caused me to, to put it lightly, bawl my eyes out.

(Friendly reminder that I initially hated this book. This show works wonders.)

Julia Cho brings the show's sass level  to about fifteen as the bold yet grounding and rational Charlotte Lu. Julia's portrayal of the 'best friend' made me genuinely like the character. She's incredibly sharp and witty. In fact, some of my favorite lines in the series are from Charlotte. One of the few things that I got out of my initial read-through (more like skim-through) was that I did not like Charlotte. At all. I didn't like that she married Collins at the first proposal, after Lizzie rejected him, and that she sold herself out for her own petty interests. But in the web series, in one of the few videos that didn't feature Lizzie, we actually get to witness the proposal from Mr. Collins (though it's a different kind of proposal), and we get to see how Charlotte reacts and her rationale for accepting the offer. She also works as Lizzie's voice of reason at key points in the story, especially when a certain man begins to make an appearance in Lizzie's life.

And then there's Laura Spencer, who rounds out the main four as the "practically perfect in every way" Jane Bennet. In this adaptation, Jane is less fragile, less vulnerable than she's portrayed in the source material or any of the past adaptations, making her much more realistic. (Yes, the original source material is characterized as satirical, so everything is exaggerated.) Jane's a career woman; she works for a fashion company. She's very maternal and supportive. She always seems to know when someone needs a cup of tea. SHE'S A STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED NO MAN...though I always want to vomit rainbows every time she and Bing Lee are together because they are so. freaking. adorable.

Don't even get me started on the men in this show. Not only are they all amazingly talented actors...but they're also outrageously handsome. I mean, if you watch the show for only one thing...I'm kidding (no I'm not)

As much as this story eventually focuses on the relationship between Lizzie and William Darcy, the whole of the show pays a significant amount of attention and care to the relationship between Lizzie, her sisters, and Charlotte. That is what makes this project unique. Yes, I cheered when Lizzie and Darcy finally got their sh*t together and kissed and were obnoxiously cute. But I was also extremely happy when Lizzie and Charlotte reconciled after the Collins debacle, and when Lizzie told Lydia that she loved her and would listen to her more.

Sometimes it isn't all about the love story.

Hank said in his initial video that he wasn't sure if this medium was a good way to tell a story. He hoped it wouldn't be the case...and it isn't the case. The LBD team created an entire universe through this relatively new format of transmedia storytelling, and by golly, they sure did a fine job of it.

Yes, the occasion warrants a 'by golly'.

Sure, new viewers won't be able to watch the characters' interaction with each other on Twitter in real time and won't really get the 'grand experience' of the show. That will be an experience unique to those who were engaged with the show while it was running. But just because it's over doesn't make the show any less enjoyable. I've re-watched all 100 episodes and the bonus Q & A videos and all the spin-offs, and they're still just as good as when they were first put online.

So as much as this is a pitch to any of you reading this who haven't watched this show to start watching it immediately, this really is my way of extending the immense gratitude I have toward the cast and crew. Thank you Ashley and Mary Kate and Julia and Laura and Bernie Su and Hank and...everyone...You turned a story I thought I hated into a story that I now love. This show and this story was a friend to me over the past year, when I was not only battling anxiety but also making the terrifying shift from high school to college. This show taught me that life isn't about do-overs, that every person deserves a closer look. And it's the stories that we love that will stick with us for the rest of our lives.

At this moment, I am re-reading Pride and Prejudice and I am thoroughly enjoying it. It is because I finally understand it because I've already seen it played out in front of me? Or it is because that I'm finally willing to take the time to actually read it? Who knows...

But I do know one thing. After watching the Lizzie Bennet Diaries, I find myself acknowledging this universal truth: Pride and Prejudice is, and will remain so for decades to come, one of the best stories of all time.

And it only took a modern adaptation to get me there.

So thank you, Lizzie Bennet Diaries--where the thought of snickerdoodles makes you burst into tears, Kitty Bennet is actually a cat, peaches make you want to kill someone, and you expect a handsome man to show up on your doorstep when you order Chinese take-out.

Don't understand what in the world I'm talking about? You'll just have to check out the show to find out ;)

Here's the link to the first video. Be warned, though: You can't just watch one episode. It's impossible.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KisuGP2lcPs

Best wishes.

***NOTE: Anything in "quotations" are quotations from the series and/or the novel. Just so you know...***