It's been a busy weekend. Had an AP calculus practice test yesterday morning at eight. Then I had a birthday party to go to at seven. Then I went to Seattle this morning with a friend to have some much-needed girl time. (Thanks, Allison.)
I've been thinking...Lately, I feel like I've given you rather...sterilized entries, like I'm trying to edit out things that happened in my day just so you guys don't have to listen to me bitch or whine or whatever. And I feel that this blog, this project, has suffered a little because of it. I know I've given you guys the scoop on some things...But it sure as hell hasn't been everything. Maybe the reason you don't see a lot form me sometimes is that I'm afraid of what people who read this will think of me. But I shouldn't care, truthfully. That's what writing is about, isn't it? You shouldn't care about what people think of what you write. Just as long as you're happy about it. And, right now, I'm not exactly happy (about a lot of things, actually, but this blog shouldn't be one of them). In addition to keeping track of my day-to-day antics of my last year of high school, this blog was meant to be a place where I can vent without any sort of retort from anybody. And I still feel like I've been keeping things from it, like the blog itself will judge me. I need to stop thinking about people judging me and just write whatever the hell I want to.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
BEDSY Day 145 (Thurs. Apr. 26th, 2012)
Been a busy night. Had a concert earlier with some of the 5th grade band students of the district. It's kind of cool for their parents to see the progression from ten years old, just staring out on an instrument...up to the top performing group at the high school level. I remember being in their seats, seven years ago, watching the wind ensemble perform, simply amazed by their musicianship, aspiring to, someday, sit where they sat. And now I am. I hope that they, some day in the future, get that same feeling as us.
It's finally Thursday. And tomorrow is Friday. I only have six more Fridays, and I believe just as many Mondays as well. Time flies, kids...
Gotta go finish up a take-home calculus test that's due tomorrow morning.
Days 'til graduation: 29
It's finally Thursday. And tomorrow is Friday. I only have six more Fridays, and I believe just as many Mondays as well. Time flies, kids...
Gotta go finish up a take-home calculus test that's due tomorrow morning.
Days 'til graduation: 29
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
I Can See Clearly Now...:BEDSY Days 143/144
...the rain is gone. (Not really. Actually, it rained really hard today.)
But I did get my new glasses today! I can see so much better with them! Yay!! I'm only supposed to wear them "as needed", but I think i might just wear these all the time, out of convenience. It can't hurt me, right? Blasted astigmatism.
Umm...Got a few things of homework left to do tonight. SO I should probably go and do those. 'Night.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Sun-kissed and Hungry: BEDSY Day 142 (Mon. Apr. 23rd, 2012)
I have FIVE MORE MONDAYS LEFT!!! YESSS!!! And only two weeks left of AP classes. Yesssss!!
Today was awesome because: I got a free copy of The Hunger Games because it is World Book Day. heck yes!! (Now I actually have the entire trilogy.) People were giving away free copies of it outside Starbucks today. I initially didn't think I was going to go to Starbucks after school today, because I didn't think I had any money for coffee (and I didn't). But I'm still glad I went. I would not have gotten that free book if I hadn't.
Plus, it was the first truly nice day in a long time today. Like, it was 70 degrees and sunny. I think I even got a sun burn...
Days 'til graduation: 32
Today was awesome because: I got a free copy of The Hunger Games because it is World Book Day. heck yes!! (Now I actually have the entire trilogy.) People were giving away free copies of it outside Starbucks today. I initially didn't think I was going to go to Starbucks after school today, because I didn't think I had any money for coffee (and I didn't). But I'm still glad I went. I would not have gotten that free book if I hadn't.
Plus, it was the first truly nice day in a long time today. Like, it was 70 degrees and sunny. I think I even got a sun burn...
Days 'til graduation: 32
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Thoughts from Places: Honlulu/Waikiki, Hawai'i (Sunday Dec. 4th, 2011-Friday Dec. 9th, 2011)
...in which a spontaneous venture onto the YouTubes to search for a particular song left this blogger in tears from remembering the awesomeness that was this entire trip. Yeah.
I had to do this in chunks. I couldn't handle doing all of this in one night.
I know these are usually done in video form, but just go with it. (And, yes, I know this is almost four months late, but just bear with me...)
Without further ado, here it is: the missing week.
By the end of the trip, I had seen both sides of 2 a.m., each leaving me utterly exhausted and with an overwhelming want to crawl right back into bed.
We had to meet at school at 3 in the morning on Sunday. It was dark, obviously, when I made the all-too familiar trek from one of the back parking lots to the door of the band room. Unlike the outside, inside was lively, bright, and buzzing, packed to the brim with kids, parents, and luggage. So much luggage...
More or less, we arrived in Hawai'i several hours later. I have to say that we all tweaked out a little bit when we walked off the plane and it was freakishly warm outside. I mean, if you came from a place that was less than 40 degrees Fahrenheit and walked into a place that was almost twice that, you wouldn't believe it was December, either. It could have been the middle of August for us. We received the traditional welcome lei and met our amazingly spectacular tour guide, Jermaine (aside from the chaperones, the trip would not have gone nearly as smoothly if it weren't for him...also probably one of the nicest people I've ever met).
That afternoon, we had practice in a park a few blocks away from the hotel, playing through everything that we would be playing at the Arizona memorial the next day.
There was one particular song, though, that was giving us a bit of trouble. We played through it a couple of times, and it sounded pretty good. But we were missing something.
"Emotion," our director said. He explained the significance of this song, this event. At random, he asked the band if anybody had some sort of connection to the military. Ninety percent of the kids in my band had a parent/relative/sibling/friend serving in the armed forces.
"Play for them," he said. "This song is for them, and for those who are no longer around to hear it. We're here to recognize them."
We rose early the next morning, had breakfast (the restaurant where we had breakfast every morning was amazing...they quite literally served everything for breakfast...we weren't there enough days to be able to try everything) and headed off to the Arizona memorial park.
You get to the park, and you realize that something's different. Something in the air...even though it's 80 degrees and sunny, there's something dark and sinister behind all of the memorabilia being sold in the shops nearby. It happened on a day just like the one right now: sunny, quiet, a perfect day in paradise. Who would've though there would be an attack on a small base in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
But there was, despite the claims that there were warnings about an attack, yet they were disregarded. Men were sent off shore the night before, thought many decided to return in order to be able to rise early for their duties the next morning.
And, well, you know the rest.
Contrary to what I wrote earlier, we didn't actually perform on the memorial per se, but we set up on one of the lawns facing the memorial inside the park.
It was early in the morning, a little before nine 'clock, so there weren't a lot of people there just yet. But there were still people there, it being, like, two days before the big anniversary.
I knew this was going to be different from the Rose Parade in how important these performances were, what they meant to me and the people around me. Rose Parade was for ourselves, for the people here and now. This was for the people who weren't there, who were unable to say good-bye to their shipmates except at funerals and memorials, who were there only in spirit, who still lay in the depths of the bay, preserved in their twenty-year-old selves, when their shipmates are well into their nineties.
We played a selection of songs at the memorial, including our parade rotation ("Americans We" and Elvis's "Burnin' Love/C.C. Rider Medley"), an Armed Forces salute, the Washington Post march, and "America the Beautiful".
Let me talk at you about that last one.
Remember that pep talk Grams gave us earlier? It worked out just fine.
I was in tears by the end of this song. Very few people weren't.
Some sort of divine intervention made that song what it was that day, and it's something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. Even though we couldn't see it, people told us after we performed that, at the key change in the song, when it starts to get really heavy, a rainbow appeared, stretching between us and the Arizona Memorial.
I've mentioned before on this blog that I lost my grandpa two years ago. He was a military man in his early years, joining the navy in order to get money from G.I. Bill so he could go to college, where he studied engineering and went on to work for the Federal Aviation Administration. But, once a military man, always a military man. My uncle, his son, also went on to serve his country for 26 years.
I owe a lot of who I am to my grandfather (not just because without him, my mom and, therefore I, wouldn't exist). He's the single person I can attribute my involvement in music to. When I was little, when we would go on car rides, he would play Vince Giuraldi tapes (he did the composing for the Charlie Brown cartoons on TV). "Linus and Lucy" was the song that inspired me to start playing music. Anyway, I would not have been standing there in Hawaii if it weren't for him.
And he didn't even know I was there. He didn't know I was going, what I was doing. But, in some ways, I think he did know, and he was there. And we made him proud.
Later that afternoon, we actually went onto the memorial. For how big our band was, we actually took up most of the boat going over to Ford Island (where all the ships were docked). So we basically had the memorial to ourselves.
There's nothing extravagant about it; it's not particularly ornamental or decorated. It's set up like a mausoleum. There are three chambers (though I refrain from saying those exact words because it's very open): an entrance that holds all the flags of the branches of the armed forces, the United States flag, the Hawaii state flag, as well as the state flags of the ships that were docked in Honolulu on the day of the attack. Then you enter a room that's completely open on the sides and on the ceiling. You can look out into the bay, and you can see the rusted gun turrets of the USS Arizona. If you look close enough, you can still see tiny droplets of oil surfacing (the legend is that when the last survivor of the Arizona dies and is laid to rest with his shipmates, the oil leak will stop). The last room of the memorial is the most haunting. It holds the most weight. I was taken aback by it. Spanning an entire wall (around 20 ft by 20 ft) were all the names of those who were trapped 20, 30, 40 ft below our feet. Over one thousand of them, never to see the sweet light of day ever again.
It's something we all take for granted sometimes, being able to wake up to a new morning and being able to do something in this world...and actually having a say in whether or not we get to do this. These men, some only a few years older than me, some who lied about their age so they could run off to serve their country, didn't get the chance to decide.
Did I mention it was absolutely silent the entire time we were at the memorial? You take a bunch of high schools kids to a historically significant site, one we'd all read about in our history books (those of us who actually did our reading that is) and you don't exactly expect them to be moved by it, to appreciate it, to be respectful of it. But when the 130+ kids stepped off that boat and onto the memorial, it was dead silent for the entire time we where there, except for the occasional whisper--someone pointing out the oil droplets in the water or pointing out a family name on the list of fatalities. I respect these kids so much, you have no idea.
Especially after, when I went back to memorial a few days later with just my mom, the people who went to the memorial with us were the polar opposite; they were talking about irrelevant things, being loud...all things that suggested they had everything but respect for the memorial, which made me very angry. But it also made me appreciate my band so much more.
Did I mention how much I love these kids?
So, sure, we did all the tourist-y things that I said we would (drove around to different beaches, the Banzai Pipeline, the Dole Pineapple Plantation, go to the Polynesians Cultural Center, one of the Macadamia Nut farms on the island).
Then we also had the parade on December 7th. What made it all the more interesting was that it was at night, something that few us us have actually experienced more (side note: I think there should be more night-time parades. Most parades we encounter are mid-morning. Society, let's change things up a bit. More parades in the p.m.!) That was another experience I will remember for the rest of my life. I marched the Rose Parade my sophomore year, and I will admit that I spent pretty much the entire parade trying not to die, to just make sure that I survived the parade. This one...I got to enjoy it a lot more. The energy form the crowd was amazing, marching down the fairy light-lit streets along the water, marching with survivors of the attack. We got to the end of the parade, and we couldn't feel more proud of ourselves. We gave everything we had, despite being sunburned and tired (one guy messed up his foot on the beach earlier that day, yet he still marched). After, we got to just relax and eat dinner in one of the parks and listen to the Marine Band perform and enjoy each other's company.
Then there's the maid story...in which my three roommates and I (and by that, I mean just me) made desperate attempts to keep the non-English-fluent maid out of our room (to almost no avail) because three of the four of us were in nothing but shorts and bras due to the immense heat and humidity. I guess she's walked in on worse things.
Have I also mentioned how many beautiful men there were in Hawaii? So gorgeous...and sooooo many...*drools*
We were stationed in the city for most of the trip. But I would hardly call Honolulu a city. There aren't any large skyscrapers. There's some mild traffic as you go farther away, but other than that...it's peaceful. I enjoyed getting to walk around the city (in sandals, no doubt) and watch the people...in swimsuits, just coming off the beach, in shorts and tank tops...just enjoying life. I think we could all learn a few lessons form the locals. I would definitely go back there. It'll be a little more relaxing, I'm sure.
It's the middle of April, and I'm finally finishing this up. I really did want to be able to properly document this, to say the things I wanted to say in the way I wanted to say them. As my year is drawing to a close, emotions are beginning to kick in, and I'm beginning to be able to come to term with...things. My time with this band is almost over. I'm truly thankful for the experiences I've been blessed with because of this program. I've learned so many lessons about the people around me...and myself.
I had to do this in chunks. I couldn't handle doing all of this in one night.
I know these are usually done in video form, but just go with it. (And, yes, I know this is almost four months late, but just bear with me...)
Without further ado, here it is: the missing week.
By the end of the trip, I had seen both sides of 2 a.m., each leaving me utterly exhausted and with an overwhelming want to crawl right back into bed.
We had to meet at school at 3 in the morning on Sunday. It was dark, obviously, when I made the all-too familiar trek from one of the back parking lots to the door of the band room. Unlike the outside, inside was lively, bright, and buzzing, packed to the brim with kids, parents, and luggage. So much luggage...
More or less, we arrived in Hawai'i several hours later. I have to say that we all tweaked out a little bit when we walked off the plane and it was freakishly warm outside. I mean, if you came from a place that was less than 40 degrees Fahrenheit and walked into a place that was almost twice that, you wouldn't believe it was December, either. It could have been the middle of August for us. We received the traditional welcome lei and met our amazingly spectacular tour guide, Jermaine (aside from the chaperones, the trip would not have gone nearly as smoothly if it weren't for him...also probably one of the nicest people I've ever met).
That afternoon, we had practice in a park a few blocks away from the hotel, playing through everything that we would be playing at the Arizona memorial the next day.
There was one particular song, though, that was giving us a bit of trouble. We played through it a couple of times, and it sounded pretty good. But we were missing something.
"Emotion," our director said. He explained the significance of this song, this event. At random, he asked the band if anybody had some sort of connection to the military. Ninety percent of the kids in my band had a parent/relative/sibling/friend serving in the armed forces.
"Play for them," he said. "This song is for them, and for those who are no longer around to hear it. We're here to recognize them."
We rose early the next morning, had breakfast (the restaurant where we had breakfast every morning was amazing...they quite literally served everything for breakfast...we weren't there enough days to be able to try everything) and headed off to the Arizona memorial park.
You get to the park, and you realize that something's different. Something in the air...even though it's 80 degrees and sunny, there's something dark and sinister behind all of the memorabilia being sold in the shops nearby. It happened on a day just like the one right now: sunny, quiet, a perfect day in paradise. Who would've though there would be an attack on a small base in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
But there was, despite the claims that there were warnings about an attack, yet they were disregarded. Men were sent off shore the night before, thought many decided to return in order to be able to rise early for their duties the next morning.
And, well, you know the rest.
Contrary to what I wrote earlier, we didn't actually perform on the memorial per se, but we set up on one of the lawns facing the memorial inside the park.
It was early in the morning, a little before nine 'clock, so there weren't a lot of people there just yet. But there were still people there, it being, like, two days before the big anniversary.
I knew this was going to be different from the Rose Parade in how important these performances were, what they meant to me and the people around me. Rose Parade was for ourselves, for the people here and now. This was for the people who weren't there, who were unable to say good-bye to their shipmates except at funerals and memorials, who were there only in spirit, who still lay in the depths of the bay, preserved in their twenty-year-old selves, when their shipmates are well into their nineties.
We played a selection of songs at the memorial, including our parade rotation ("Americans We" and Elvis's "Burnin' Love/C.C. Rider Medley"), an Armed Forces salute, the Washington Post march, and "America the Beautiful".
Let me talk at you about that last one.
Remember that pep talk Grams gave us earlier? It worked out just fine.
I was in tears by the end of this song. Very few people weren't.
Some sort of divine intervention made that song what it was that day, and it's something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. Even though we couldn't see it, people told us after we performed that, at the key change in the song, when it starts to get really heavy, a rainbow appeared, stretching between us and the Arizona Memorial.
I've mentioned before on this blog that I lost my grandpa two years ago. He was a military man in his early years, joining the navy in order to get money from G.I. Bill so he could go to college, where he studied engineering and went on to work for the Federal Aviation Administration. But, once a military man, always a military man. My uncle, his son, also went on to serve his country for 26 years.
I owe a lot of who I am to my grandfather (not just because without him, my mom and, therefore I, wouldn't exist). He's the single person I can attribute my involvement in music to. When I was little, when we would go on car rides, he would play Vince Giuraldi tapes (he did the composing for the Charlie Brown cartoons on TV). "Linus and Lucy" was the song that inspired me to start playing music. Anyway, I would not have been standing there in Hawaii if it weren't for him.
And he didn't even know I was there. He didn't know I was going, what I was doing. But, in some ways, I think he did know, and he was there. And we made him proud.
Later that afternoon, we actually went onto the memorial. For how big our band was, we actually took up most of the boat going over to Ford Island (where all the ships were docked). So we basically had the memorial to ourselves.
There's nothing extravagant about it; it's not particularly ornamental or decorated. It's set up like a mausoleum. There are three chambers (though I refrain from saying those exact words because it's very open): an entrance that holds all the flags of the branches of the armed forces, the United States flag, the Hawaii state flag, as well as the state flags of the ships that were docked in Honolulu on the day of the attack. Then you enter a room that's completely open on the sides and on the ceiling. You can look out into the bay, and you can see the rusted gun turrets of the USS Arizona. If you look close enough, you can still see tiny droplets of oil surfacing (the legend is that when the last survivor of the Arizona dies and is laid to rest with his shipmates, the oil leak will stop). The last room of the memorial is the most haunting. It holds the most weight. I was taken aback by it. Spanning an entire wall (around 20 ft by 20 ft) were all the names of those who were trapped 20, 30, 40 ft below our feet. Over one thousand of them, never to see the sweet light of day ever again.
It's something we all take for granted sometimes, being able to wake up to a new morning and being able to do something in this world...and actually having a say in whether or not we get to do this. These men, some only a few years older than me, some who lied about their age so they could run off to serve their country, didn't get the chance to decide.
Did I mention it was absolutely silent the entire time we were at the memorial? You take a bunch of high schools kids to a historically significant site, one we'd all read about in our history books (those of us who actually did our reading that is) and you don't exactly expect them to be moved by it, to appreciate it, to be respectful of it. But when the 130+ kids stepped off that boat and onto the memorial, it was dead silent for the entire time we where there, except for the occasional whisper--someone pointing out the oil droplets in the water or pointing out a family name on the list of fatalities. I respect these kids so much, you have no idea.
Especially after, when I went back to memorial a few days later with just my mom, the people who went to the memorial with us were the polar opposite; they were talking about irrelevant things, being loud...all things that suggested they had everything but respect for the memorial, which made me very angry. But it also made me appreciate my band so much more.
Did I mention how much I love these kids?
So, sure, we did all the tourist-y things that I said we would (drove around to different beaches, the Banzai Pipeline, the Dole Pineapple Plantation, go to the Polynesians Cultural Center, one of the Macadamia Nut farms on the island).
Then we also had the parade on December 7th. What made it all the more interesting was that it was at night, something that few us us have actually experienced more (side note: I think there should be more night-time parades. Most parades we encounter are mid-morning. Society, let's change things up a bit. More parades in the p.m.!) That was another experience I will remember for the rest of my life. I marched the Rose Parade my sophomore year, and I will admit that I spent pretty much the entire parade trying not to die, to just make sure that I survived the parade. This one...I got to enjoy it a lot more. The energy form the crowd was amazing, marching down the fairy light-lit streets along the water, marching with survivors of the attack. We got to the end of the parade, and we couldn't feel more proud of ourselves. We gave everything we had, despite being sunburned and tired (one guy messed up his foot on the beach earlier that day, yet he still marched). After, we got to just relax and eat dinner in one of the parks and listen to the Marine Band perform and enjoy each other's company.
Then there's the maid story...in which my three roommates and I (and by that, I mean just me) made desperate attempts to keep the non-English-fluent maid out of our room (to almost no avail) because three of the four of us were in nothing but shorts and bras due to the immense heat and humidity. I guess she's walked in on worse things.
Have I also mentioned how many beautiful men there were in Hawaii? So gorgeous...and sooooo many...*drools*
We were stationed in the city for most of the trip. But I would hardly call Honolulu a city. There aren't any large skyscrapers. There's some mild traffic as you go farther away, but other than that...it's peaceful. I enjoyed getting to walk around the city (in sandals, no doubt) and watch the people...in swimsuits, just coming off the beach, in shorts and tank tops...just enjoying life. I think we could all learn a few lessons form the locals. I would definitely go back there. It'll be a little more relaxing, I'm sure.
It's the middle of April, and I'm finally finishing this up. I really did want to be able to properly document this, to say the things I wanted to say in the way I wanted to say them. As my year is drawing to a close, emotions are beginning to kick in, and I'm beginning to be able to come to term with...things. My time with this band is almost over. I'm truly thankful for the experiences I've been blessed with because of this program. I've learned so many lessons about the people around me...and myself.
In the Mood: BEDSY Day 141, plus the weekend (Sun. Apr. 22nd, 2012)
Welp. Site got a new look. Not sure if I like I or not. I certainly don't hate it. I'm sure it'll grow on me.
Last night, we had our annual Big Band Dance fundraiser, which went off splendidly. Music was really good. We raise a lot of money. More than usual, it seems. More than last year, definitely. Overall, it was a really fun night. Usually, I'm really bored or tired by the time we get halfway through the night. Last night, however, it was almost nine o'clock, and I got really sad that the night was almost over (it ended at ten). And it wasn't a nostalgic kind of sad that I attribute to finishing up my last BBD...I was just having so much fun being there with my fellow musicians, playing, dancing, watching our assistant director auctioning off items...watching our three drummers engage in a ten-minute drum battle during our rendition of "Sing, Sing, Sing".
Then I remembered that I had to spend an hour afterwards helping clean up. Least favorite part of the night, for sure. Then I came home and collapsed at...12:30.
I have next weekend off from band, but I am filling my time with fun and exciting things!
Days 'til graduation: 33
Last night, we had our annual Big Band Dance fundraiser, which went off splendidly. Music was really good. We raise a lot of money. More than usual, it seems. More than last year, definitely. Overall, it was a really fun night. Usually, I'm really bored or tired by the time we get halfway through the night. Last night, however, it was almost nine o'clock, and I got really sad that the night was almost over (it ended at ten). And it wasn't a nostalgic kind of sad that I attribute to finishing up my last BBD...I was just having so much fun being there with my fellow musicians, playing, dancing, watching our assistant director auctioning off items...watching our three drummers engage in a ten-minute drum battle during our rendition of "Sing, Sing, Sing".
Then I remembered that I had to spend an hour afterwards helping clean up. Least favorite part of the night, for sure. Then I came home and collapsed at...12:30.
I have next weekend off from band, but I am filling my time with fun and exciting things!
Days 'til graduation: 33
Thursday, April 19, 2012
The Big Band Era: BEDSY Day 140 (Thur. Apr. 19th, 2012)
I'm watching The Big Bang Theory. I'm convinced Kuuthrapali is gay.
On another note...It's been a really long week. I've been mostly preparing for Saturday. Saturday is our big fundraiser for band, our Big Band Dance. The jazz bands play for a few hours and we have a silent auction to raise money for trips and other things (instrument repairs, etc.). We play for a few hours, but we have to set up in our school's commons, and that usually takes a few hours. Basically, it's a really long day. I'm excited about getting to play with the jazz groups, though. We get to play old 30's/40's jazz music from Glenn Miller and people like that. (If you don't know who Glenn Miller is, then shame on you...also go look up "In the Mood"...probably one of the most noticeable jazz tunes out there). But it's also my last BBD. I've done three of these already in the past few years. After that, only one more jazz concert and our parades and our final, three-hour concert at the end of May (seriously. It's a marathon). And, then...it's all over. In some ways, the end can't come soon enough, but in other ways...I wish it wouldn't.
Days 'til graduation: 35
On another note...It's been a really long week. I've been mostly preparing for Saturday. Saturday is our big fundraiser for band, our Big Band Dance. The jazz bands play for a few hours and we have a silent auction to raise money for trips and other things (instrument repairs, etc.). We play for a few hours, but we have to set up in our school's commons, and that usually takes a few hours. Basically, it's a really long day. I'm excited about getting to play with the jazz groups, though. We get to play old 30's/40's jazz music from Glenn Miller and people like that. (If you don't know who Glenn Miller is, then shame on you...also go look up "In the Mood"...probably one of the most noticeable jazz tunes out there). But it's also my last BBD. I've done three of these already in the past few years. After that, only one more jazz concert and our parades and our final, three-hour concert at the end of May (seriously. It's a marathon). And, then...it's all over. In some ways, the end can't come soon enough, but in other ways...I wish it wouldn't.
Days 'til graduation: 35
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Short entry for a Long Week: BEDSY Day 139 (Wed. Apr. 18th, 2012)
Gah. This week is going by SO SLOWLY. It should be Thursday. But it's only Wednesday. Poop.
Days 'til graduation: 36
Days 'til graduation: 36
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
BEDSY Day 138 (Tues. Apr. 17th, 2012)
I have two big tests tomorrow. One in government and one in psychology. Anything and everything government from here until the AP test is AP-style, so...at least I know what's coming. Psychology is just a normal test and essay, like always. Having a one-man study party here.
Guess I'll work on some calculus as well, since I still have a few things to do for that class as well. Especially since mid-terms are due by Friday morning. Well...there it is.
Last "mid-terms". Until college, that is. There, it's a much bigger deal. They try to make it a big deal at my school, but we all know it's not.
Days 'til graduation: 37
Guess I'll work on some calculus as well, since I still have a few things to do for that class as well. Especially since mid-terms are due by Friday morning. Well...there it is.
Last "mid-terms". Until college, that is. There, it's a much bigger deal. They try to make it a big deal at my school, but we all know it's not.
Days 'til graduation: 37
Monday, April 16, 2012
Do the Math: BEDSY Day 137 (Mon. Apr. 16th, 2012)
So. Much. Calculus. I've done, like, five assignments tonight because I fell so behind this past week. But it feels nice, getting everything out of the way finally. My brain may just explode, though, from all the differentiating and integrating and all that jazz...
I'm exhausted, though (I know I say that a lot). I think that's what's causing a lot of my anxiety lately. My sleep schedule has been so sporadic the past few weeks. It's not good for my brain. It's causing me to think crazy thoughts. I get very little sleep during the week, then I sleep for ten, eleven hours on the weekends. No bueno. I guess that could be my goal for the week, to get my sleep schedule back on track.
Another thing...went to the eye doctor today. Turns out I need glasses, though it's not exactly something that came as a shock to me. Both of my parents wear glasses to some extent; my dad wears reading glasses and my mom wears them for long distance because she has astigmatism (which is what I also have). Get my glasses in some time next week.
Days 'til graduation: 38
I'm exhausted, though (I know I say that a lot). I think that's what's causing a lot of my anxiety lately. My sleep schedule has been so sporadic the past few weeks. It's not good for my brain. It's causing me to think crazy thoughts. I get very little sleep during the week, then I sleep for ten, eleven hours on the weekends. No bueno. I guess that could be my goal for the week, to get my sleep schedule back on track.
Another thing...went to the eye doctor today. Turns out I need glasses, though it's not exactly something that came as a shock to me. Both of my parents wear glasses to some extent; my dad wears reading glasses and my mom wears them for long distance because she has astigmatism (which is what I also have). Get my glasses in some time next week.
Days 'til graduation: 38
Sunday, April 15, 2012
BEDSY Day 136, Plus the weekend (Sun. Apr. 15th, 2012)
Guys, I feel really depressed today. Like, it's sunny out, and usually, I like to go for walks around my neighborhood and whatnot on days like this...but here I am, in my basement, dressed in an old t-shirt and basketball shorts, feeling unmotivated and...sad. I don't feel anxious or anything (yet) but I just don't feel happy or peppy or anything. I kind of just want to sleep. And not in a tired kind of way.
I see all my friends going out and having fun and stuff and I just feel...useless (and kind of left out) and alone. Maybe it's my own damn fault that I don't tell people things, that I keep things quiet. Maybe it's the freaking mask I wear every day to fake people out. But I never feel like I can tell people things. I'm afraid I'll just get shot down and my problems will be undermined by their own problems. (I find this happens quite a lot, actually). I never feel like I have someone to talk to (that isn't my mom). I don't like people thinking I'm selfish...
I feel trapped. Like there's no way for me to escape this funk.
Again, I don't know if this is a bi-product of my being a senior, but...it sucks. I don't like it. But I don't really feel like fighting it right now. Am I allowed some time to wallow in self pity? Or is that too much self-indulgence for you?
I see all my friends going out and having fun and stuff and I just feel...useless (and kind of left out) and alone. Maybe it's my own damn fault that I don't tell people things, that I keep things quiet. Maybe it's the freaking mask I wear every day to fake people out. But I never feel like I can tell people things. I'm afraid I'll just get shot down and my problems will be undermined by their own problems. (I find this happens quite a lot, actually). I never feel like I have someone to talk to (that isn't my mom). I don't like people thinking I'm selfish...
I feel trapped. Like there's no way for me to escape this funk.
Again, I don't know if this is a bi-product of my being a senior, but...it sucks. I don't like it. But I don't really feel like fighting it right now. Am I allowed some time to wallow in self pity? Or is that too much self-indulgence for you?
Thursday, April 12, 2012
BEDSY Day 135 (Thurs. Apr. 12th, 2012)
Thank God tomorrow's Friday. First week back from Spring Break is always a long one. The nice thing is that April's pretty much halfway over by this point. Graduation is getting closer by the minute.
AP tests are also getting closer. I think my first one is on the 8th of May, which is Psychology. Then it's Calculus the next day (or the day after, I think). Then Government the next week. After that, I pretty much have to do "work" in two classes ('cause, let's face it, what else is there to do for a bunch of AP seniors to do after the tests...not much).
Days 'til Graduation: 40
AP tests are also getting closer. I think my first one is on the 8th of May, which is Psychology. Then it's Calculus the next day (or the day after, I think). Then Government the next week. After that, I pretty much have to do "work" in two classes ('cause, let's face it, what else is there to do for a bunch of AP seniors to do after the tests...not much).
Days 'til Graduation: 40
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
BEDSY Day 134 (Wed. Apr. 11th, 2012)
Had a better day today. Much calmer than yesterday.
Caps and gowns came in for graduation, as did my announcements and envelopes and name cards and all the fancy stuff that comes with it. I guess it's really happening now...
It's been pretty quiet here tonight. I'm just sitting here, watching Walk the Line and doing my chemistry homework. Gonna turn in in just a little bit, maybe go read some 1984 for my English class.
Days 'til graduation: 41
Caps and gowns came in for graduation, as did my announcements and envelopes and name cards and all the fancy stuff that comes with it. I guess it's really happening now...
It's been pretty quiet here tonight. I'm just sitting here, watching Walk the Line and doing my chemistry homework. Gonna turn in in just a little bit, maybe go read some 1984 for my English class.
Days 'til graduation: 41
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
(Don't) Panic: BEDSY Day 133 (Tues. Apr. 10th, 2012)
Welp. Had another panic attack today. Meh....
BUT! I shall persevere. Obviously, I'm here, writing, so that's progress from the last time this happened. I talked to my mom about it today since it, literally, took me almost an hour to calm down today. At least, calm enough to be able to function and do my work. I got really claustrophobic all of a sudden (something that I've never really had a problem with) and I felt like I couldn't breath. It didn't help that the room I was in didn't have any windows, either...
So, I was talking to my mom, and she told me--derived from her 30+ years of working in schools--that strange things begin to happen to kids who are about to leave their schools and move on to the next step in their educational journey, whatever it may entail. And, yes, that includes bouts of anxiety. Even when you don't feel like there's something to be anxious about. There's some part in the back of your brain that knows you're about to take that leap toward full adulthood, even though you may not consciously feel nervous about it. There's an inherent nervousness that sometimes makes unexpected appearances in the middle of your psychology lecture, making you nearly run out of the room to the bathroom in a panic.
Oh, wait. That's just me.
Looks like just another case of senioritis.
BUT! I shall persevere. Obviously, I'm here, writing, so that's progress from the last time this happened. I talked to my mom about it today since it, literally, took me almost an hour to calm down today. At least, calm enough to be able to function and do my work. I got really claustrophobic all of a sudden (something that I've never really had a problem with) and I felt like I couldn't breath. It didn't help that the room I was in didn't have any windows, either...
So, I was talking to my mom, and she told me--derived from her 30+ years of working in schools--that strange things begin to happen to kids who are about to leave their schools and move on to the next step in their educational journey, whatever it may entail. And, yes, that includes bouts of anxiety. Even when you don't feel like there's something to be anxious about. There's some part in the back of your brain that knows you're about to take that leap toward full adulthood, even though you may not consciously feel nervous about it. There's an inherent nervousness that sometimes makes unexpected appearances in the middle of your psychology lecture, making you nearly run out of the room to the bathroom in a panic.
Oh, wait. That's just me.
Looks like just another case of senioritis.
Monday, April 9, 2012
BEDSY Day 132 (Mon. Apr. 9th, 2012)
Hello, my dear friends. I'm back. For reals, this time.
I would like to start this off again by apologizing for my lack of entries over the past few weeks. Being a senior all of a sudden took over my life (especially with our portfolio presentations...which I ended up getting a perfect score on) and I was just...burnt out. Running on fumes. No sleep. I'm still on melatonin supplements to help me sleep (don't worry, melatonin is actually a naturally occurring hormone in the body, so I'm not on drugs or anything), but it took a good four or five days to start feeling "normal" again. I also got really sick on top of my stress and sleeplessness, so I was taking cold medicine that was making me sleepy, yet I wasn't really sleeping...oy. I was a wreck.
Not to mention, I've been having this kind of existential crisis about, like, not coming back to school next year. People, places, things I've grown used to seeing the past...thirteen years aren't going to be in my sight next year. It's going to be gone in less than two months (as of yesterday). Today, in band, we went over our schedule between now and the end of the year. It seems weird to be able to do that. We only have a few parades and a handful of concerts left. Then graduation.
Days 'til graduation: 43
I would like to start this off again by apologizing for my lack of entries over the past few weeks. Being a senior all of a sudden took over my life (especially with our portfolio presentations...which I ended up getting a perfect score on) and I was just...burnt out. Running on fumes. No sleep. I'm still on melatonin supplements to help me sleep (don't worry, melatonin is actually a naturally occurring hormone in the body, so I'm not on drugs or anything), but it took a good four or five days to start feeling "normal" again. I also got really sick on top of my stress and sleeplessness, so I was taking cold medicine that was making me sleepy, yet I wasn't really sleeping...oy. I was a wreck.
Not to mention, I've been having this kind of existential crisis about, like, not coming back to school next year. People, places, things I've grown used to seeing the past...thirteen years aren't going to be in my sight next year. It's going to be gone in less than two months (as of yesterday). Today, in band, we went over our schedule between now and the end of the year. It seems weird to be able to do that. We only have a few parades and a handful of concerts left. Then graduation.
Days 'til graduation: 43
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